Getting my confidence back after an off date


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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  October 19,2010, 10:12am
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So I had a bit of an off date last night and would love some words of wisdom about how to get my confidence back.

Normally I consider myself "successful" at first dates. I feel like I've figured out how to be a good conversationalist, how to ask good questions and get to know someone, and generally how to walk that fine line of giving someone enough info about me to intrigue them, but not going too deep or too personal. The majority of my first dates turn into second dates and when they don't it's usually because I politely decline the invitation or it's clear to both of us we're not a match.

So I'm feeling a bit embarassed and ashamed about having a date that was entirely out of character. Basically I met up with the eHarmony match I was most excited about. We'd already had great phone conversations twice for about 2 hours a piece so I knew that we got along well and had a lot to talk about. Our date followed suit...and that was the problem. Somehow we ended up talking about a laundry list of everything I am pretty sure you should never talk about on the first date with a heavy emphasis on talking about our exs. Definitely very out of character for me as my most recent breakup was a four year relationship and in the dating I've done since I've never talked about him, with the exception of one person who I dated for a month and a half and got to a point where the conversation felt appropriate.

I just cannot shake how weird I now feel about it. I don't anticipate hearing from him again. (Although he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying what I would consider our entirely too personal conversation the ending to the date felt abrupt and I oddly had a missed call from him on the cab ride home with no message.) I'm fine with it as I already had doubts on whether I could find him attractive and honestly, after all that was shared, would feel a bit uncomfortable seeing him again.

I guess I'm just struggling with why I usually feel like I'm a pretty good dater and then all of a sudden a guy comes along who I feel I actually connect with and it goes so horribly, terribly wrong. Has this happened to anyone else? I have a third date with another guy on Wednesday and I'd prefer not have this weird feeling hanging over me and to go back to my usual happy, non-overanalyzing self.
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #2  October 19,2010, 10:18am
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Everyone has an off night now and again....heck, in baseball if you're batting .400 you're doing great!

No one's on top of their game 100% of the time. Recognize it for what it was, an isolated fluke, and don't worry about it.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #3  October 19,2010, 10:24am
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You already did "hear" from him--he called you! Probably just wanted to check to see if you got home safely or whatever... I wonder if he thinks you dodged his call.

Lots of people won't leave voicemail messages because they think it is somehow a sign of dodged calls or insecurity or something, and prefer to just call back later (if they call back at all). (I don't think this myself, and don't entirely understand the logic, but I've seen it reiterated plenty of times.)

Anyway, plenty of people have had the "oversharing" problem at least once. Don't let it shake you. And don't write the guy off if you really like him! Heck, maybe you should call him yourself. Maybe he had a different perspective on things entirely.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  October 19,2010, 10:32am
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This happens to just about everyone. Even the most reserved person can have this problem when talking to someone they are attracted to and nervous about and the person invites conversation.

Anyway, rather than obsessing about some crazy rules of what you should and should not say, pay him the courtesy of returning his call.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  October 19,2010, 11:09am
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All good pieces of advice. Thanks for making me feel better. I decided to send him a text thanking him for the drinks and the company. It's very possible that he had a different reaction. I will admit I've been wrong about the outcome before (i.e. convinced I'm not going to hear from a guy and then he actually does call) however my gut tells me this is the end of the line. Thanks for convincing me that one little slipup is not the end of the world. I knew this myself but sometimes hearing someone else say it is so much better than hearing yourself say it.
 
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numbertheorist is offline numbertheorist Post #6  October 19,2010, 11:25am
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Be confident.

Everyone is entitled to an off day, and it is not the end of the world. You might be surprised to hear from him again, but if not, no harm done.

Good luck!
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #7  October 19,2010, 11:33am
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My first eH date was w/ a really cute and sweet guy that I could hardly wait to meet in person. When we got together, I felt completely comfortable w/ him. He was sharing very personal information, asking questions, etc. I followed suit. That first date lasted five hours. We saw each other a couple of times and had daily phone conversations for about two weeks. Before we knew it, all of our baggage was out and we had completely missed the light, fluffy, fun part of dating. The last couple of conversations we had were not as weighty, even fun. Unfortunately, at that point, it was like driving backwards down a one-way street. We parted ways on good terms, and I learned a lot from that experience…

Don’t over-think or worry about what was… it can’t be changed. Go on your date Wednesday and have a good time. If this guy doesn’t call, chalk it up to him not being the right one for you, learn from the experience and move on…
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #8  October 19,2010, 11:47am
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Not that they are the same... but I had an interview once where I was totally not on my A game, and it shook me. It took a while to rebuild that confidence and go into other interviews.

But don't worry... at least this 3rd date is someone you've known already and you'll probably settle right down to normal.


We don't always make every goal. But remember what the great Wayne Gretzky said 'You miss 100% of the shots you never take'
 
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RebornInFire is offline RebornInFire Post #9  October 19,2010, 12:06pm
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It's funny, but in all my job interviews where I got the job, I thought I did terrible. Where I thought I did okay, I did not get called back.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  October 20,2010, 6:38am
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Thanks everyone. As an update I texted him yesterday and we had a nice text exchange. Turns out he had a good time and though I addressed the elephant in the room (i.e. too much disclosure) he made a joke of it so I guess it's not nearly as big of an issue to him as it is to me. Still not certain if there will be a second date and if I even want one for that matter. I think it was just a case of having two really great LONG phone conversations to him prior and having too high of expectations prior to the date - counter to my usual approach of meeting ASAP and having NO expectations.

I'm going back to my normal approach of being nonchalant and just letting things unfold rather than analyzing them. It's always served me MUCH better.
 
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