Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  October 19,2010, 6:39am
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Here's the scenario as briefly as I can make it. A little less than a month ago as I was about to cancel membership on another site, I noticed a guy from another state who kept viewing me. I sent him a message and he answered promptly. I found his profile engaging, his likes/ dislikes were similar to mine, and he was in a profession I could relate to. We got each other.

He also was divorced with no kids - important to me as I have none. We e mailed daily for a while then progressed to phone. There was an instant connection. A few days ago I suggested we meet as I am not one that believes in e pen pals or prolonging a situation. He agreed, and chose a very romantic place midway to meet. Then I sensed he was getting cold feet. I called him on it. He agreed it didn't feel right to him.

He was concerned that after both of us driving roughly 6 hours it would go nowhere (apparently it has happened to him before.) He felt it would be putting pressure on both of us. I assured him that I had no expectations beyond meeting someone I connected with. He said he was starting to feel burnt out on dating, and right now he was in a rut. I'll explain this later.

As an FYI neither of us are desperate daters. This guy is accomplished, attractive, and some would say quite the catch given his career. He does live in a part of the country I have no interest in, and he dislikes. (we talked about this.) Because of family obligations (dad with Parkinsons) who moved to be near him, he feels that he cannot duck out on his mother. All of which I understand and like, and he's very frustrated with his career. Accomplished but could be doing so much better in another part of the country. We both agreed we clicked and liked each other.

Even so, I've told him at this point I have no desire to put pressure on him, nor would I be in touch with him again. I also told him he was welcome to contact me if and when he worked things through, and if I was not in a serious relationship we could explore. I explained I was not looking for an e pal or to be a therapist. Seems harsh but true. We ended the conversation on a nice note, and agreeing that we both felt each other was special.

He's a quality guy but I think maintaining contact would be pointless until he works things through. Was I wrong to move on? His parting words "I hope this can work out for both of us." Now I am a little sad. Oh well.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  October 19,2010, 6:48am
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Sorry you are sad. I can't really think of any other good options here -- there's no point in trying to talk him into it. He has to get himself out of his rut. I think you handled it well and I hope he wakes up and calls you. Soon.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  October 19,2010, 6:53am
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Sounds like you did the right thing. It may sting a little now, but it would sting even more if you continued to invest and get attached more only to end the same way.

One thing with long distance is the effort required and it sounds like when it came to the point, he just wasn't willing to make that effort for you. Better to know now.
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #4  October 19,2010, 6:56am
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I think you were smart. He obviously had reservations. Discussing and working through a few issues is one thing, but sounds like he had more baggage than Samsonite makes in one day.

I'm impressed with how you handled that. You took the high road and left the door slightly open for one day when he works down to just a few pieces of luggage, like 'normal' people.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  October 19,2010, 7:12am
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Thanks everyone. Just wanted your take on the situation. As we all know it is tough to find someone we click with on so many levels. As I've mentioned before I am okay with long distance. I am one of the rare people able to conduct an LD relationship fairly successfully for a number of reasons. I can't help wondering though if this is this guy's modus operandi, because it keeps him safe from having to move forward. I guess I'll find out if I never hear from him again.
 
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ISearch4Love is offline ISearch4Love Post #6  October 19,2010, 7:56am
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I agree that you did well also.

Good luck.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #7  October 19,2010, 9:34am
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ISearch4Love wrote :
I agree that you did well also.

Good luck.
Yes, I agree with all of the above, as well.
 
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numbertheorist is offline numbertheorist Post #8  October 19,2010, 11:32am
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You are not wrong.

He is burnt out on dating and needs time to readjust, and figure things out with his parents, career. A lot going on. There is no shame in moving on.

Best of luck on your search!
 
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