How do you deal with Poofers who "UNpoof"


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figuring_out is offline figuring_out Post #1  October 19,2010, 4:35am
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Recently I have had 2 poofers get back in contact with me after 5-6 months with no contact. Both of these guys were guys that I had met through eH and dated for a decent amount of time before they poofed.

Guy #1 I dated casually for about 6 months. During that time I attempted to have that "where is this going" conversation a few times and got vague responses. After I while it was clear he was happy with a FWB situation while I wanted more...I confronted him with this...he said he just wasn't ready for a relationship...then he poofed.

Guy #2 I dated for just a couple of months towards the end of the Guy #1 time when I felt that exclusivity was not necessary since Guy #1 wanted nothing serious. Guy #2 was pretty intense. He texted/called everyday and we would chat through IM everyday while at work. We had about 1.5 hours between us so we saw each other maybe once a week or every other week. This was not, however, a situation where he just wanted a penpal...we saw each other when we could and were developing a dating relationship. I met his friends, he met mine. Things were going well. Then he all of a sudden started to talk a lot about how busy and stressed he was from school and work and...POOF.

Both of these guys vanished at roughly the same time around 5 or 6 months ago. I have since moved on...dated a couple people..and am currently seeing someone exclusively that I am pretty happy with ! Within a one week period, BOTH of my poofers sent me an email to "see how I was doing."

WHY do poofers return? And how am I expected to react to someone who rejected me via a disappearing act rather than having the decency to say "this isn't working out for me." I have no interest in rekindling any kind of "frienship" with either of these guys, so what do I do? ignore their emails? Write back and tell them I am well and ask what the heck they are writing to me for now?! Write back and tell them I'm seeing someone else and think it inappropriate to be in touch with someone I was seeing previously? Part of me wants to know a) why the poofed in the first place and b) why they are trying to come back, but most of me knows that it doesn't matter so why bother trying to figure it out.

So, I guess I'm just curious...Is it common for poofers to resurface? What are all your thoughts on the phenomenon of the poof/unpoof? Have you ever poofed on someone and then gotten back in contact months later?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  October 19,2010, 4:42am
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They are running on a dry spell so they e-mailed you and a dozen other girls hoping one of you will bite and end the dry spell with a fwb type set up again or at least a quickie hook up.

How do you deal with it? You pay them the same courtesy they paid you - ignore, delete, move on.

Oh as to why they poofed - you wanted a relationship, they didn't or at least not with you and did not have the courage to end things in a civil manner. Nothing will change with them in the future either.
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #3  October 19,2010, 4:57am
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wrote :
Oh as to why they poofed - you wanted a relationship, they didn't or at least not with you and did not have the courage to end things in a civil manner. Nothing will change with them in the future either.
I've poofed before, only because I was clueless and hadn't thought it through. I know better now and won't do that to anyone again. So, behaviors like poofing can change. But those guys just playing the field? maybe not... until they decide to settle.


For the OP, my advice... I wanna say POOF BACK, but why play their game? Even though you don't owe them anything, you should take the high ground and communicate. Ignoring is not much different than poofing. But you might send a quick reply like so 'I'm doing great. Take care.' Don't ask about them. leave it at that.
 
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ISearch4Love is offline ISearch4Love Post #4  October 19,2010, 5:31am
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Mythical wrote :
But you might send a quick reply like so 'I'm doing great. Take care.' Don't ask about them. leave it at that.
I'd probably go with "I have a great new boy friend and we're both doing really well!"

That should tell them all they need to know.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  October 19,2010, 5:34am
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ISearch4Love wrote :
I'd probably go with "I have a great new boy friend and we're both doing really well!"

That should tell them all they need to know.
Except that in another few months when they are on another dry spell, they'll "check in" with you again. I guess it all depends on whether you actually want to keep the door closed or leave it ajar.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #6  October 19,2010, 5:47am
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Mythical wrote :
I wanna say POOF BACK, but why play their game? Even though you don't owe them anything, you should take the high ground and communicate. Ignoring is not much different than poofing. But you might send a quick reply like so 'I'm doing great. Take care.' Don't ask about them. leave it at that.
I totally agree w/ this. Keep your reply brief, impersonal and resentment-free.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  October 19,2010, 5:56am
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This is actually quite common. With the exception of one "poofer," each and everyone has returned. I've usually assumed that it hasn't worked out with whomever they left to explore with. I do respond. I don't believe in passive/aggressive behaviors, and personally I don't like being ignored (tells me about someone's character.) I keep my responses polite but not necessarily encouraging. I ask no questions about the disappearance because you'll never get the truth anyway and I am usually not looking to reconnect. A poofer will poof again.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #8  October 19,2010, 6:21am
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I've only had one poofer return. She said something along the lines of "I'm still interested and hoping you are too" and gave a story about how her father wasn't well or something like that.

I was skeptical, but, we traded emails for a while and met up one time before we both lost interest completely.

So, I guess my answer would be that any returning poofer would go into the friend zone where I'd do things with them, but, I wouldn't spend much time thinking about them and I wouldn't care if they communicated or not.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  October 19,2010, 7:38am
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ISearch4Love wrote :
I'd probably go with "I have a great new boy friend and we're both doing really well!"

That should tell them all they need to know.
I vote for this ^
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  October 19,2010, 7:50am
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I have not encountered this situation before nor have I ever contacted a match that I had ended the relationship with, whatever that relationship was.

I would suggest that the correct way to deal with this latest communication from these guys would be something along this line:

"I am now seeing someone exclusively and feel it inappropriate to be communicating with you."

Just an aside, a way to prevent this sort of thing from happening is don't get into a FWB situation unless that is the relationship you desire.
 
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