I found out she is already dating someone


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jphn is offline jphn Post #1  October 17,2010, 10:41am
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So a few weeks ago, I went out with a bunch of friends to skip homecoming and just do our own thing. There was girl there, Jenie, one of my friend's cousins, that I had met before but never really held a conversation with. The night goes on and there's sort of a wall between me and her. She had just transferred to my school, so I didn't think it was unusual for her to be so shy.

A couple weeks later, I'm getting a drink from the vending machine after school. I see Jenie and my friend talking together, so I just walk up to them and say hey. My friend leaves and it's just me and Jenie now. She asks me if I wanna go to the mall, which makes me raise my eyebrow because I hardly know her. Sadly, I had to tell her no because I had a lot of homework to do. Trying to be nice, I sit with her while waiting for the school bus to come. We have our first real conversation. She says "I don't have your number, right?" and we exchange numbers. Later that day on Facebook, we chat a little. I get her skype from her and we start talking more and more. Hell, we spent 4 hours webcamming together Friday night. We text each other a lot. We talk about doing all these things together like going to an amusement park on Halloween weekend, going to the movies, iceskating, bowling, going to DC.

Last night, my friend IMs me on Facebook. I mention something about Jenie and my friend is like "so you like Jenie, huh?" I ask if she's looking for a relationship or anything. My friend replies by saying "DUDE. She's dating Alex." Right there, a weight hit my chest. Jenie and I have been getting along so well and she never once mentioned his name. Alex and Jenie were both with us on homecoming night and they weren't flirting or anything; Alex was just being his normal goofy self. So I thought that that was really weird. My friend says that they've been dating for 3 weeks or something but he doesn't think they're gonna last much longer. I ask him if they like each other and he gives me some ambiguous answer.

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A girl and I have recently hit it off. Things are going well, we talk often, she seems happy to see me and everything in between. I like her and I feel like she's willing to get closer to me. But she is dating someone I know. She's never mentioned anything about him to me before. The friend that told me says that they've been dating for 3 weeks but he also says that he doesn't think they'll last long, maybe 2 or 3 weeks more.

What am I supposed to do? Do I ask her to confirm it? Do I just forget the question and just keep doing what I've been doing? Do I get closer to her and hope they just break up on their own? Is this even right?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  October 17,2010, 10:52am
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I may be too old to understand the dynamic of your situation, but I will not invest in someone "multi-dating."

Since I am not interested in anything casual, the person would therefore be incompatible for me.

Still, so long as you can accept that any relationship you form (or think you formed) with her, can apruptly end when she has a "4 hour webcamming" with some new guy, go for it.
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #3  October 17,2010, 11:07am
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How old are you?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  October 17,2010, 11:12am
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annother is offline annother Post #5  October 17,2010, 11:15am
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I would say that since she has a boyfriend, she is off-limits. She already knows you are interested in her, so it's up to her to make the next move.

It would be wrong of you to deliberately try to win her away from her boyfriend, just as it would be wrong of her to date both of you at the same time.

Now that you know she is dating, the right thing for you to do is to gracefully bow out. Wait until she is free. If she's interested then, she'll let you know.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #6  October 17,2010, 11:21am
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annother wrote :
I would say that since she has a boyfriend, she is off-limits. She already knows you are interested in her, so it's up to her to make the next move.

It would be wrong of you to deliberately try to win her away from her boyfriend, just as it would be wrong of her to date both of you at the same time.

Now that you know she is dating, the right thing for you to do is to gracefully bow out. Wait until she is free. If she's interested then, she'll let you know.
I agree with this.

She may not consider what she's doing with you to be "cheating" or "multi-dating," but I bet Alex would. (Wouldn't you, if you were he?) So don't push things. And you may want to ask her to clarify her intentions, or tell her that you're not comfortable spending time with her like this while she's seeing someone else.

You all sound relatively young, so I wouldn't necessarily take this as a sign that she is flaky or a cheater... But perhaps lacking in decisiveness or maturity?

Anyway, I hope this goes well for you. If it does not, however, at least it should be some reassurance that you have plenty of time to form relationships later.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #7  October 17,2010, 11:31am
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Dude, your first mistake was when she asked you to go to the mall and you declined because of homework, you should've offered up an alternative.

Secondly, contrary to some of the others, if she's hitting on you but dating someone else, it doesn't seem like she's too involved with him and may be up for grabs. Ask her about it if it concerns you. If Alex is just 'his goofy self', then you know what the competition is.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  October 17,2010, 12:13pm
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tweet37 wrote :
Secondly, contrary to some of the others, if she's hitting on you but dating someone else, it doesn't seem like she's too involved with him and may be up for grabs. Ask her about it if it concerns you. If Alex is just 'his goofy self', then you know what the competition is.

From a perspective of the feasibility to get her, or get some from her, this sounds reasonable.

However, I was not arguing the feasibility but the wisdom of it.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #9  October 17,2010, 12:58pm
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This other thing is only 3 weeks in if at that. If you are interested in her then go for her. You have nothing to lose.
 
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jhpn is offline jhpn Post #10  October 17,2010, 1:26pm
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(same person as original poster.) I'm 17 and Jenie's a year younger. She's been in long/serious relationships before though, so I don't think she's the kind of person to multi-date. I asked my friend if they're dating or boyfriend/girlfriend and he said that they're the former.

Some people are saying see what happens? I guess I could try this. And yeah, she really doesn't seem too involved in him but then again, I rarely see her around school.
 
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