giving someone international a chance?


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reenz is offline reenz Post #1  October 16,2010, 6:24pm
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Hi all. I have always been open to dating someone fairly long distance... my limits have been anyone in the US or possibly Canada even. If the person had the willingness to relocate, that was fine by me. Being Asian, I also subscribe to a particular ethnical dating/marriage site, but I always filtered out people from my family's country of origin as I didn't want to date someone around the world. And furthermore, most of the men who expressed interest on those sites only seemed to want a free ticket to US citizenship.

A few weeks ago I got a message from a guy from India. He specified on there that he wasn't looking for me to sponsor any visa for him. I find him to be fairly attractive (in that we would look really cute together) and he seemed sweet and sincere. So I accepted his communication, even though I always never accept an interest from someone out-of-country. He has completed law school in India, and is open to moving to the US in the future (though I don't know what the job market would be for international law school graduates).

I am wondering where to go with this, and wanted some advice. I know many people might be concerned about some sort of Nigerian-type scam, but I am aware enough not to allow anything like that. I will not send anyone money. Furthermore, he happens to live in the same city in which I have cousins living - so if things ever got serious, they could go meet the guy and make sure he really is who he says he is.

By biggest issue is that I don't want to get my heart invested in anyone until I am around them regularly enough to know that this is a relationship I want to pursue or not. Because of the distance, it puts premature pressure on things. For instance, if he were to travel all the way to the US to meet me, I would feel horrible to decline a relationship with him if I wasn't feeling it. He has mentioned communicating with me through Skype, and we may do that in the future.

I am also torn on the cultural issues. Part of me wants to be with a fellow American (or someone from a 'Western' country) who has similar values as me. I grew up as an 80s child, and would be thrilled to have a partner who has similar tastes in music and humor as I do (unfortunately, because of the slight language barrier, even though he can speak English, he doesn't get my humor. I am also concerned that the slight language barrier might make it difficult for us to share feelings effectively in a relationship.) Nor do I share his passion for Indian music. On the other hand, he seems to have a lot of qualities that are really important to me. He has no ambivalence in admitting upfront that he is looking for a life partner. He is a vegetarian (I am a vegan). He seems to be really close to his family, and shares my values on abstinence from premarital sex. (I have a really hard time finding non-Christian American guys with those values). So I wonder what it means to settle or not, or if I should give someone so far away from me a chance.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #2  October 17,2010, 4:45pm
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(Just bumping up my thread since it got moderated yesterday for some unknown reason. Thanks!)
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  October 17,2010, 5:33pm
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We had a woman here, active once but rarely so now, who expressed problems with Indian men, as they held conservative views of the role of women, which were contrary to her values and objectives.

Other than that caution, I see the nationality as not a huge concern, conpared to the distance. In the long run, it will be important to establish where you will live (along will issues like how much / how often, you can be with family, etc.)

Myself, I probable would consider Canada, but not overseas (unless something happened to give me the time and money for somewhat frequent international flights.)

As with any situation, nothing is real until meeting.

With that, I would be thinking that he may well expect a commitment on the first meeting - and possibly beyond "exclusive dating."
 
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easy_breezy is offline easy_breezy Post #4  October 17,2010, 6:02pm
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I'm open to long-distance relationships, but the last 2 I tried, did not end too well...

I just came back from a trip to meet one, so here's my personal take on this...

You won't know how you feel about each other until you meet in person.

Try out Skype, I think it will help a lot to video-call, because it will allow you to see each other's facial & body gestures and will allow to eliminate some doubts or hesitations in terms of attraction.

Also, if still interested after a few videocalls, arrange a meeting as soon as possible, but be clear to him and to yourself that it is only to see how you feel together in the real world.

Don't have high expectations until you spend real one-on-one time with him, because you will never know until you meet in person.

Good luck!
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #5  October 17,2010, 6:06pm
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Even with trying to do my due diligence as best possible, the 2+ year long distance relationship I conducted with a woman from Peru that ended in marriage, was the worst mistake I ever made in my entire 60+ years of life, bar none.


Try to blend Hieronymous Bosch with Dante's ninth circle of hell and you would begin to get a clue of what I am trying to impart..


Which is: DO NOT EVER DO THIS.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  October 17,2010, 6:23pm
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6dle899 wrote :
Even with trying to do my due diligence as best possible, the 2+ year long distance relationship I conducted with a woman from Peru that ended in marriage, was the worst mistake I ever made in my entire 60+ years of life, bar none.


Try to blend Hieronymous Bosch with Dante's ninth circle of hell and you would begin to get a clue of what I am trying to impart..


Which is: DO NOT EVER DO THIS.

You can meet a bad person in the house down the street, or a great person on the other side of the world.

All should be viewed with the right measure of care and trust that they are as worthy of you as you are of them, and yet with the appropriate limitation of exposure to protect yourself until they prove themself.

Your situation, I would say, may be more in letting your judgment take a back seat - if not ride in the trunk - than in the fact that your partner was not from the US.
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #7  October 17,2010, 6:27pm
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easy_breezy wrote :
I'm open to long-distance relationships, but the last 2 I tried, did not end too well...

I just came back from a trip to meet one, so here's my personal take on this...

You won't know how you feel about each other until you meet in person.

Don't have high expectations until you spend real one-on-one time with him, because you will never know until you meet in person.

Good luck!
I totally agree with this. I spent 12 months emotionally involved with a lady in Canada, on skype everyday (including video) and finally met her over the summer. She was not the same person in reality. I felt deceived and manipulated.

You really have to meet people before you let yourself get emotionally involved. I had to learn that the hard way.
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #8  October 17,2010, 6:53pm
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D_Lion wrote :
You can meet a bad person in the house down the street, or a great person on the other side of the world.

All should be viewed with the right measure of care and trust that they are as worthy of you as you are of them, and yet with the appropriate limitation of exposure to protect yourself until they prove themself.

Your situation, I would say, may be more in letting your judgment take a back seat - if not ride in the trunk - than in the fact that your partner was not from the US.
That is nicely said, however I do not fault you for not knowng and understanding the labyrinth of the INS, the K-92 visa process, and the exhaustive path of fees, time and documentation and other things to ensure an effective legal immigration that must be followed to the letter.

I totally understand the INS rationale, and feel it is very reasonable in every respect. But for an applicant and sponsor it is VERY daunting.

The stories I could tell you...
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #9  October 17,2010, 7:12pm
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6dle899 wrote :
That is nicely said, however I do not fault you for not knowng and understanding the labyrinth of the INS, the K-92 visa process, and the exhaustive path of fees, time and documentation and other things to ensure an effective legal immigration that must be followed to the letter.

I totally understand the INS rationale, and feel it is very reasonable in every respect. But for an applicant and sponsor it is VERY daunting.

The stories I could tell you...
I have first-hand experience with some of these things myself, and although my cross-border relationship only lasted 18 -20 months, we both agree we would do it again.
Deep connections, love and mental/physical synchronicity can defy geography.
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #10  October 17,2010, 7:22pm
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Dropdeadredtx wrote :
I have first-hand experience with some of these things myself, and although my cross-border relationship only lasted 18 -20 months, we both agree we would do it again.
Deep connections, love and mental/physical synchronicity can defy geography.

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