Need Help Decoding First Call


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itsabeatutifulday is offline itsabeatutifulday Post #1  October 15,2010, 7:46pm
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Discouraged.....

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Looking for that insightful advice from you all again on a recent eharmony 1st phone call. Just call me confused....

The phone conversation was awkward. He has only been divorced 6 months, so I wasn't sure if he was nervous or just new to online dating. Even tho the phone conversion was not really flowing, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, so agreed to meet.

When we were talking about places to meet, he mentioned coffee. (I personally have done that several times and just not a fan of coffee for 1st meets...I did not say this to him) so I mentioned the option of meeting for a drink at happy hour. Most guys I have met seem to like the idea. His response was "You would include alcohol in a first meet?" By the tone of his voice, I had just suggested something horrible. I explained that for me, meeting for coffee was something I do frequently for making business connections. If I am hoping to make a romantic connection,(isn't that why we are on a dating site..did not say this to him) would rather do something else. "His response was ..."Whoa, whoa, whoa....let's not get ahead of ourselves." Huh???? Isn't that the point of meeting, to see if there is a romantic connection?? I am

At this point I am not sure I even want to meet. But before I cancel, I wanted to see if there was something I was missing. Thanks,
 
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psgcooldog is offline psgcooldog Post #2  October 15,2010, 7:54pm
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itsabeatutifulday wrote :
Looking for that insightful advice from you all again on a recent eharmony 1st phone call. Just call me confused....

The phone conversation was awkward. He has only been divorced 6 months, so I wasn't sure if he was nervous or just new to online dating. Even tho the phone conversion was not really flowing, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, so agreed to meet.

When we were talking about places to meet, he mentioned coffee. (I personally have done that several times and just not a fan of coffee for 1st meets...I did not say this to him) so I mentioned the option of meeting for a drink at happy hour. Most guys I have met seem to like the idea. His response was "You would include alcohol in a first meet?" By the tone of his voice, I had just suggested something horrible. I explained that for me, meeting for coffee was something I do frequently for making business connections. If I am hoping to make a romantic connection,(isn't that why we are on a dating site..did not say this to him) would rather do something else. "His response was ..."Whoa, whoa, whoa....let's not get ahead of ourselves." Huh???? Isn't that the point of meeting, to see if there is a romantic connection?? I am

At this point I am not sure I even want to meet. But before I cancel, I wanted to see if there was something I was missing. Thanks,
He's new to the online dating thing, and hasn't gotten to the point of being comfortable with the "why are we all here?" question, and the plain and blunt answers to it.

I think you might call him back and try to gently explain that you weren't implying that you already had any sort of romantic connection, just that the whole point of meeting was to explore the possibility of one. And that it's no big deal and that the idea is to have fun while you're about it.

And maybe his ex was an alcoholic ... who knows?
 
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afriendly is offline afriendly Post #3  October 15,2010, 8:00pm
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I don't think he's ready to date. Six months after the divorce, is soon. I dated a woman with a child who just finalized her divorce, but was separated for over a year. At first, it was great and she was looking for a relationship and no games. After three months, turned cold and now wasn't looking for anything serious. Save yourself the heartache and skip this one. He's not ready.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #4  October 15,2010, 8:28pm

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itsabeatutifulday wrote :
Looking for that insightful advice from you all again on a recent eharmony 1st phone call. Just call me confused....

The phone conversation was awkward. He has only been divorced 6 months, so I wasn't sure if he was nervous or just new to online dating. Even tho the phone conversion was not really flowing, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, so agreed to meet.

When we were talking about places to meet, he mentioned coffee. (I personally have done that several times and just not a fan of coffee for 1st meets...I did not say this to him) so I mentioned the option of meeting for a drink at happy hour. Most guys I have met seem to like the idea. His response was "You would include alcohol in a first meet?" By the tone of his voice, I had just suggested something horrible. I explained that for me, meeting for coffee was something I do frequently for making business connections. If I am hoping to make a romantic connection,(isn't that why we are on a dating site..did not say this to him) would rather do something else. "His response was ..."Whoa, whoa, whoa....let's not get ahead of ourselves." Huh???? Isn't that the point of meeting, to see if there is a romantic connection?? I am

At this point I am not sure I even want to meet. But before I cancel, I wanted to see if there was something I was missing. Thanks,
The guy seems rude and judgmental. I think he is still a bit messed up from the divorce. 6 months and already back in the dating pool? Took me 1 1/2 years to detox from a 10 month semi-relationship! LOL

He is crazy. Don't waste your time on this guy.

(btw...since we talk about alcohol...I like wine and microbrew....not much into hard liquor since it makes me do crazy thangz...unless that's what you want )
 
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peacefulharp is offline peacefulharp Post #5  October 15,2010, 8:56pm
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I suppose it can't hurt to meet him (probably ) and see if you connect better in person. But to be honest, I probably wouldn't based on the information you gave below (judging you for suggesting drinks, jumping to the conclusion that you're 'getting ahead of yourself'). Who knows why he's responding this way but it doesn't sound promising.

There are other matches out there...

Now I've got a great U2 song going through my head - thanks for that!
 
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peacefulharp is offline peacefulharp Post #6  October 15,2010, 8:59pm
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I forgot to add before that many people (myself included) prefer a coffee date for the first meet. It keeps things casual, keeps the cost down and can be kept short if you're really not clicking.

I'm just telling you this because you're likely to get a lot of similar offers for first meets. It seems to be a popular strategy.

That being said, most people still won't resond the way this guy did when you counter with drinks or dinner instead.

Good luck!
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #7  October 15,2010, 9:24pm
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itsabeatutifulday wrote :
Looking for that insightful advice from you all again on a recent eharmony 1st phone call. Just call me confused....

The phone conversation was awkward. He has only been divorced 6 months, so I wasn't sure if he was nervous or just new to online dating. Even tho the phone conversion was not really flowing, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, so agreed to meet.

When we were talking about places to meet, he mentioned coffee. (I personally have done that several times and just not a fan of coffee for 1st meets...I did not say this to him) so I mentioned the option of meeting for a drink at happy hour. Most guys I have met seem to like the idea. His response was "You would include alcohol in a first meet?" By the tone of his voice, I had just suggested something horrible. I explained that for me, meeting for coffee was something I do frequently for making business connections. If I am hoping to make a romantic connection,(isn't that why we are on a dating site..did not say this to him) would rather do something else. "His response was ..."Whoa, whoa, whoa....let's not get ahead of ourselves." Huh???? Isn't that the point of meeting, to see if there is a romantic connection?? I am

At this point I am not sure I even want to meet. But before I cancel, I wanted to see if there was something I was missing. Thanks,

I think you may be one of the first few people he has met online after his divorce so he is naturally going to be nervous the first time talking to you.

If you suggested meet at a bar for happy hour to me I may be a little concerned because to me suggesting that impliesthat I want to get you drunk and maybe I will get lucky

meeting for coffee is very typical as a short first meet with no strings attached.

You know he could be either a recovering alcoholic or knew someone who was or his ex is an alcoholic. He doesnt want to bring up the fact he is an alcoholic because you may jump to conclusions.

so you dont want to meet him because (1) he nervous the first time he talked to you and (2) he wasnt going to suggest hapy hour to you.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #8  October 15,2010, 9:59pm
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I agree about the divorce being too fresh in his mind.

Most guys would jump at the chance to meet a woman for a drink or two. And if she mentioned romantic or something...they would kid about it...so you plan to take advantage of me or something?

Instead, he back off it suggesting he's kinda gun shy. He's not looking to get into anything like that, heck he just got out of a bad relationship earlier this year.

Maybe I'm assuming a lot from just a little information...but anyone who has been through a divorce or has seen a friend go through it...it takes a while to recover and really be ready for dating.
 
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penpen2 is offline penpen2 Post #9  October 15,2010, 10:34pm
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I guess it doesn't hurt to be a bit patient and meet him for his tame coffee. But don't do something wild like use sweetener! Oh my!

Anyway, hard to say when is the right time to date after a divorce. But if he doesn't show improved manners, I'd say chuck him. >_>
 
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itsabeatutifulday is offline itsabeatutifulday Post #10  October 17,2010, 2:37pm
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Thank you all for the very good advice. I have decide not to meet and sent him an email just letting him know I am "looking for someone who has been divorced longer."

I have been divorced for 5 years. And that first year I think most people really aren't ready to do anything more than casually date, if that. At least that was my experience and most of my divorced friends. Thanks for the reminders!
 
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