no chemistry on dates 1-3, then chemistry on date 4?


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readytodate is offline readytodate Post #1  October 14,2010, 9:04am
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I have an interesting situation - over the past three weeks i've gone out with a guy three times and liked his personality a lot. he was cute, but when he kissed me on our second date, it didn't rock my world. then we had a third date, and the kiss, a little more passionate, but I still didn't feel a huge level of attraction toward him. but then, on date four, all of a sudden I felt a lot of attraction toward him. the difference? his outfit. he had worn clothes that looked dated on our other dates, and then on the fourth date, he wore hip clothes that were really more my style. I had always found him handsome, but until the fourth date, didn't really look forward to the end-of-the-night kiss.

I like everything else about this guy. he's my age - early 40's, he's got a graduate degree, a successful professional career, no kids, divorced for a year, apart from ex for two years, considerate, calls me several times a week, texts me on alternate days, really seems to be into me.

I'm just so happy to finally feel enough attraction to warrant his attention toward me. And hoping it continues (both my attraction and his attention).

Has this slow-growing attraction happened to anyone else?

Also, I'm wondering, we have been taking it slow on the physical side, with only one nearly chaste kiss at the end of each date. Is this pace normal? He hasn't told me I'm pretty, or anything, on our dates. Maybe he's shy?

I have an out of town event tomorrow night, hanging out with old friends, and I'd love to invite him (only an hour from home), but I fear that inviting him to come to another city, and possibly spend the night in a hotel, even if no sex is involved, might turn him off if he's really trying to take the physical side slow. it's something we haven't discussed at all.

just curious how this situation sounds to everyone. I like this guy a lot but don't want to move too fast or scare him off.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #2  October 14,2010, 9:10am

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How he dressed changed your feelings? I don't mean this as a judgment but I don't understand that at all.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #3  October 14,2010, 9:12am
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I guess the clothes make the man.. glad you could look past your own hang-up...


Sure invite him- why not, if he's not comfortable with an overnighter at this stage, he'll let you know.

Have fun
Last edited by TrekRyder10; October 14,2010 at 9:19am.
 
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readytodate is offline readytodate Post #4  October 14,2010, 9:13am
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I know, it was really weird to me, too. I didn't think clothing could affect attraction like that. I don't get it. Maybe it was something else that changed, too. I always liked him, but wasn't sure about my attraction level. Not sure if it was the clothing change, or just the progression of getting to know him better.
 
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CestMoi is offline CestMoi Post #5  October 14,2010, 9:13am
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Yes, I am perplexed as well. Was it really his clothing, or was it something else?

IMO, inviting him for an overnight date is a big step. Are you sure you're ready? Only you know the answer.
 
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readytodate is offline readytodate Post #6  October 14,2010, 9:14am
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yeah, I don't know how to do the overnight date thing without being inappropriate. I don't want to say, "but we don't have to have sex" since that is a given, but yet I don't want to not mention it, either, and worry that he'll think I'm easy.

I don't know. maybe just skip it and not worry about all the potential landmines of an overnight date.
 
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curiousgirl123 is offline curiousgirl123 Post #7  October 14,2010, 9:19am
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Well, I don't see anything wrong with the clothes thing. Being physically attracted to someone is related in part to the way they carry themselves. So I can see how a different appearance (clothing) would affect someone's perception differently. Also, some of us are more visual than others.
Last edited by curiousgirl123; October 15,2010 at 2:11pm.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  October 14,2010, 9:26am
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Not feeling attracted and then feeling attracted just with a change of clothes simply means that you have zero ability to see through the wrapping that the package comes in. Neither good nor bad - just is.

As for inviting him for an out of town trip on 4th date - way too much too soon. Hold your horses tight on this one.
Last edited by DancingFool; October 14,2010 at 9:53am.
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #9  October 14,2010, 9:51am
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As to the clothes, it to a certain extent it probably affecting the way he carried himself, which for a gal, is a HUGE part of attractiveness.

As to pace, typically girls control the pace of intimacy; have you invited him over for "movie night" at your place? If not it's hard to escalate pace beyond a wee bit of kissing if dates have only been public outings.

As to inviting him for an out-of-town trip, I wouldn't recommend it considering you've done nothing intimate at all.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  October 14,2010, 9:58am
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I wouldn't assume you're an airhead who can't see past clothing -- there could be a lot of reasons why you started feeling a spark on date 4. What else may have changed besides his clothing?

But even if the clothes is all it was -- so what? Perhaps you are oriented around style, which is a form of artistic expression and a display of self-concept. It's not necessarily a shallow thing.

I don't understand the "let's spend the night together but not have sex" thing ... apparently, from reading these boards, a fair number of people do it. I don't get it. Also it seems a little early to invite him to come and hang out with a lot of your old friends perhaps?

PS. Don't worry about "what's normal". Worry about "what works for me and him". Good luck!
 
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