Talking to my mother daily= a red flag?


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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  October 14,2010, 7:01am
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So I had an interesting exchange with one of my eHarmony matches the other day and I'd be curious to hear everyone's thoughts! We'd exchanged a few emails through OC (2-3) when he asked me to tell him about my family.

It seemed like a vague question so I asked him if he had any specific questions, but mentioned that we are close and that I talk to my mother daily and my father every couple of days.

A week later I got a response from him that he wasn't sure if he should be talking with me because it scared him that I talked to her every day. He asked if he would be taking her out on a date as well if he wanted to meet me. And suggested this made him think he would have to compete for my attention.

I was incredibly shocked by this response because although the frequency in which I talk to my mother usually doesn't come up in OC (or early on in dating relationships in general), it has never even remotely been an issue in any relationship I've been in, friendship or romantic. Because my parents have lived in another state for my entire adult life I enjoy keeping them in the loop, but have never put them before my partner in a serious relationship. Even in my day to day decision making I generally ask them their opinions, but at the end of the day I make my own choices and often this means doing things that aren't entirely what they would do.

Curious to get your responses. I was on the fence with this match anyway so I am not particularly interested in convincing him that my relationship with my parents shouldn't be a concern. However I don't want to accidently turn off other men by making them think that somehow my relationship with my parents is going to negatively impact a potential relationship when it never has.
 
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StPaulGirl is offline StPaulGirl Post #2  October 14,2010, 7:07am
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I'm very close with my family. They're a huge part of my day to day life. That's not going to change when I'm in a relationship with a man, so he'd better be ok with it. Therefore, I talk about my family early and often with my matches. I've never considered that someone might close me out for it, but if they do - oh well. It would have doomed the relationship at some point anyway.

It boils down to the same thing as a lot of people's concerns on here: don't change who you are to attract a mate unless you either don't want to keep em, or you don't want to be who you are.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #3  October 14,2010, 7:11am
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Absolutely not a flag....this wouldn't even phase me..

Sounds to me like he has some mama drama baggage from a previous relationship....
Last edited by TrekRyder10; October 14,2010 at 7:40am.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  October 14,2010, 7:18am
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heh....this raises a more interesting question - just how insanely needy is he that the idea of you talking to someone on a daily basis makes him feel threatened? What else - stop going out, stop talking to your friends, quit your job because he needs your undivided attention 100% of the time?

A lot of people are close to their families and keep in touch on a regular basis. If this is something that freaks him out and makes him leap to crazy conclusions, that also shows you that the two of you have very very different values when it comes to family relationships and that's not a good thing.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #5  October 14,2010, 7:20am
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No, daily communications with family wouldn't bother me in the least.

Unless it occupied hours of one's time every day. If such were the case, I would seriously be concerned about that match/potential partner.
Last edited by insertscreenname; October 14,2010 at 8:12am.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #6  October 14,2010, 7:20am

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i have a friend who is my age and talks to her mother every day. she asks her advice about every little thing and can't seen to make the smallest decision without including her mother.

perhaps he's experienced that person.

personally, I can't imagine what i would say to any one person every day. i mean, even the people i'm closest to i don't talk to every day. is it that my life is so boring i have nothing to report?

OP: I'm just curious- what do you talk about with your mom that can't wait for every other day?
Last edited by scarlet13; October 14,2010 at 7:23am.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #7  October 14,2010, 7:22am
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A lot of people talk to their parents daily or almost daily, especially women talking to their mothers. Every woman I have ever dated has either lived with her parents, or if she didn't, talked to them daily. Most of my female friends talk to their parents daily ... Even many of my male friends talk to their parents every 2-3 days. I consider it to be fairly "normal."

I might be younger than you and/or dating people and being friends with people who are younger. Nevertheless, as another example, I know my mother talked to my grandmother pretty much every day until she died ....

IMAO, his response is not normal.

Actually, I once again question the accuracy of the "29 Dimension system" if you are matched with someone who seems to be so uncomfortable with involvement with family, since that seems like a fairly fundamental lifestyle/values issue ....
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  October 14,2010, 7:32am
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Your talking to your mom everyday by itself is not a red flag. The reason that you do would be more important. I do find that at 27 you still call your mom every day (I am presuming that your mom is not ill, disabled or has some other reason that you feel the need to check her well being). Certainly the perception is being conveyed that you have not separated you life from your mom / parents.

FYI I ask about my matches family situation, usually in the first OC e-mail. While having a match tell me that she calls her mom everyday would raise my eyebrow just a bit and I would ask for more explanation I would see much more of a red flag if she said "I have not spoken to my mom / parents for 5 years".
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #9  October 14,2010, 7:42am
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FaintestInkling wrote :
Actually, I once again question the accuracy of the "29 Dimension system" if you are matched with someone who seems to be so uncomfortable with involvement with family, since that seems like a fairly fundamental lifestyle/values issue ....
I have to agree with this here. I don't talk to my parent often. I don't talk with my college aged daughter more than a few times a month. I haven't been matched with anyone who is that involved with their parents or adult children on day to day basis. I don't think it's wrong, I just don't think they would be a match with me. And I would expect that is the type of thing the "29 Dimensions" should be screening for.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  October 14,2010, 7:42am
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scarlet13 wrote :
i have a friend who is my age and talks to her mother every day. she asks her advice about every little thing and can't seen to make the smallest decision without including her mother.

perhaps he's experienced that person.

personally, I can't imagine what i would say to any one person every day. i mean, even the people I'm closest to i don't talk to every day. is it that my life is so boring i have nothing to report?

OP: I'm just curious- what do you talk about with your mom that can't wait for every other day?
I am a wee bit older than you, but the last 7 years (after my mom passed away) of my dad's life I went and saw him nearly everyday. But that is a bit different situation than when I was 27 (as the OP) or 36 (as you).
 
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