Going great until..."figuring things out with ex"


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dcdude1978 is offline dcdude1978 Post #1  October 13,2010, 7:54pm
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Hello all,
First time posting something here, but wanted a bit of advice. For context, I am 32 and she is 27. Short novel below:

In mid-August, I got matched with a girl and sent her a direct communication message. She replied eventually, and I replied to that. I didn't get another message until mid-Sept, and which point she tells me that she almost never checks e-Harmony messages and is letting her subscription expire, but I should contact her on gmail. Then, we started to communicate via email. We had a lot in common. Emails got longer and longer, and before too long, I asked her out. She said ok, but let's talk on the phone first. So, we talked on the phone, and actually ended up talking for about an hour joking around. We set up to do a date on the following Tuesday. The next day, I sent an email saying it was really great to talk to you and looking forward to meeting you next week. She replies, yeah, I can't remember the last time I talked on the phone for an hour with someone. She proposes moving the date up to Monday.

So, Monday comes around. We have our date and it is awesome. 3+ hours, great conversation, lots in common, a venue change from a bar then to a restaurant, some touchy-feely, zero awkwardness, etc. At the end, I tell her its probably the best first date I've ever had (which was probably true). I kiss her and then ask if she wants to get together again. She replies 'definitely' and then kisses me back. We make vague plans to get together in about a week, as I was going to be out of town on the weekend. Then, interestingly, she asks me if I am 'weirded out' by her being 'not Jewish enough' (we talked about this stuff a bit). I say not at all, don't worry about it, and put her in a cab. That made me think she was thinking in a kind of relationship-y sort of way already.

Through the following week, there was some email communication (she was working like crazy that week). I call her while out of town on Sunday, and leave a message. She calls back on Sunday night and leaves a message for me. I send an email that Sunday night saying I'll be back on Monday, I'll call you and we'll set something up for that week. On Monday I call her and leave a message. On Tues night, I get a text from her saying sorry I didn't get back to you, let's talk tomorrow. Finally, on Weds, she calls me back and we talk on the phone again, and chat for about 30 min joking around. I ask her out for dinner on the weekend, and she says she can't because she has a friend coming into town, but let's do it early next week. I say ok, and we agree to talk on the weekend to figure out the details. On Thursday, during the day, she sends me a jokey text totally unsolicited. Good sign, that I'm on her mind even while at work, I figure. On Friday, I send a jokey text, and she replies although it takes a few hours. No problem, I figure. Anyway, the weekend goes by. I don't bother her because I figure she's busy with her friend.

Then on Sunday, I send a text saying 'do you like middle eastern food?' trying to finalize things for the second date. Several hours later, she replies and says she thinks she needs to cancel because she is "trying to figure things out with her ex" and doesn't want to lead me on. But she says that "if/when she gets settled, can we try again?" I reply with a text saying that's a bummer, was excited to get to know you more, I'd be up for giving it another go later on, etc. She replies 'thanks for understanding.'

The next evening, I write an email first of all saying thanks for being upfront about the ex situation and then continuing to basically say I felt a spark with you, you're different from the other girls in town, talking with you is like talking with somebody I've known for ages, and I know that's crazy after just one date and a few calls, but its true. All very sincere and true. She replies the next morning with an email saying 'I'm kind of up in the air, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I did enjoy meeting you and talking with you…I don't know how long it will take to iron things out, but if I'm single and without excess baggage, I will certainly let you know.' And that's the end of the story.

What do you guys think? Everything was going incredibly well, and I really did feel chemistry between us. I get the feeling that she did as well in view of the post-date communication and was sorta thinking it might go somewhere. I was really excited and then I was blindsided by this ex thing. I don't have any details, but since she was already tired of eHarmony in Sept, I get the feeling that she was probably split up with this ex for a good few months. I also think maybe the ex was the 'friend' who was visiting from out of town.

It seems to me that she is hedging her bets for a reason and if she was kind of ho-hum about me, she wouldn't have bothered to do anything but just a standard turn-down, which she could have just as easily done on several occasions. I think perhaps it is somewhat significant that she did not seem scared off by my fairly strong email sentiments (she could have replied by saying 'I'm sorry, I just don't feel quite the same way, it was nice meeting you, good luck, etc'). I'm not going to sit around and wait for her, but it is fair to say that she is still on my mind a week or so after this bombshell. I think I would almost certainly give it another go if she contacts me, since we had such a great time together (although who knows if it would be awkward if we were to meet again). At this point, the ball is in her court, but maybe if I am still thinking of her in a month or so, I will send a message.

I know it's kind of silly to sweat it, since it was just one date, but I really felt like we connected, and she definitely checks all the boxes for me at least to the extent that one can tell early on. I'm not feeling rejected really, just frustrated at the apparently horrible timing. The ex situation seemed to come out of nowhere, so I wonder if he just contacted her at some point in the week after our date. Anyway, there is not much I can do, but has anybody had a similar situation? Is it pointless to hope that I will hear from her? Or should I run in the opposite direction from a red-flag situation?
 
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dcdude1978 is offline dcdude1978 Post #2  October 14,2010, 10:51am
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Forgot to mention...both of us are never married, no kids, etc. Both are professionals....she's about a year out of law school, I've been out of school for about 5 years.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #3  October 14,2010, 11:10am
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Sorry this happened . They probably broke up for a while, but now are getting back together. Agree the " visiting friend" is the ex. It often is.

dcdude1978 wrote :
Forgot to mention...both of us are never married, no kids, etc. Both are professionals....she's about a year out of law school, I've been out of school for about 5 years.
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #4  October 14,2010, 11:11am
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Yeah, I've gotten the, "I can't because I have a friend coming into town..." line before. IMO it's becoming almost as a cliche as "call me" or "it's not you, it's me."
The whole thing about the ex is BS too.

You got played on the first date and otherwise it's the age-old dating problem of a lack of honesty and forthrightness after the fact. It ain't nothing you did she just isn't interested and is hesitant to tell you the real scoop.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #5  October 14,2010, 11:15am
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Mentally, I would approach this as if she is gone and not coming back. If she comes back later and wants to pick things up and you're available, you can figure things out at that point. I don't think it is worth wasting your time thinking about it.


dcdude1978 wrote :
At this point, the ball is in her court, but maybe if I am still thinking of her in a month or so, I will send a message.
Don't do this.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  October 14,2010, 11:24am

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I'd say she lied to you, she just didn't like Falafel or curry (I don't know which middle eastern food you're talking about )

but in any case- you already made your position known to her...I'd say date around, keep your options open...so you don't become HER second option in case things didn't work out with her ex.
 
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dcdude1978 is offline dcdude1978 Post #7  October 14,2010, 11:30am
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Thanks for the comments. I don't think she wasn't interested, I think the ex thing is real and she would otherwise go out again. But I guess I have to move on and forget about it. In any event, has anybody ever have somebody call them months later after a situation like this?
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #8  October 14,2010, 11:57am

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dcdude1978 wrote :
Thanks for the comments. I don't think she wasn't interested, I think the ex thing is real and she would otherwise go out again. But I guess I have to move on and forget about it. In any event, has anybody ever have somebody call them months later after a situation like this?
Not necessarily same event...but I got a request to reopen match after 13 months.

My ex-gf also contacted me through facebook after seven years.

(I don't suggest you wait that long )
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #9  October 14,2010, 12:00pm
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If a (very) recent ex was a factor, why would she be dating in the first place? I'd say the chances are very, very small this was actually legit reason.

The best spin I can put on it is that she was flattered with the attention, affection and a free meal, and subconsciously responded positively as reward for you. Given time to think after the fact she just isn't romantically attracted.

No, never, ever had a gal come back after an "ex" deflection, or really any deflection of the "it's not you, it's me" kind, or pretty much any other.

I've been there before many times; trying to connect dots to rationalize to make myself feel better. Again, it almost always come down to the fact she just didn't find you (me) romantically attractive.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #10  October 14,2010, 12:54pm
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Yes is happens, but you will know that you were on the back burner while she tried to sort it out with the ex. Don't get caught in that crossfire.

dcdude1978 wrote :
Thanks for the comments. I don't think she wasn't interested, I think the ex thing is real and she would otherwise go out again. But I guess I have to move on and forget about it. In any event, has anybody ever have somebody call them months later after a situation like this?
 
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