I'm sad... so be gentle...


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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #1  October 13,2010, 8:37am
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is happier than if it was a 'no boss Friday' going into a three-day weekend... :-)

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Well, I finally addressed the ‘elephant in the room’ w/ the guy I’ve been seeing. I want to see only him and (although he says I’m the only one he’s seeing) he wants to keep his options open. He says it’s b/c his heart is back home and he doesn’t think it fair to get so deeply involved and expect me to move to be w/ him. To which I countered, I don’t think it was fair of him that he joined a dating site w/ no intention of getting involved.

I called him on it. I asked him if I agree to move w/ him… when/if the time comes and things work out between us… would that change things for him? He said, “yeah, it would,” but needed some time to think.

Now, I’m not going to lie. I hung up the phone and thought, what the hell did I just commit to? But I’m okay w/ this. I need to know where I stand w/ him. I don’t want to continue down this path of indecision, hoping that at some point things will miraculously change only to discover that I’m the only one invested and he’s still keeping his options open. I have no plans on moving tomorrow (told him so), but he’s not there yet (literally speaking), and neither are we (metaphorically speaking). I absolutely would move to be w/ (the right) someone who wants to share his life w/ me.

Is that crazy? Am I giving too much or would this be meeting half way? Should I have just let it ride... see where things go? Is it bad that he’s having to think about it? I’m thinking that he should kind of know at this point how he wants me to fit into his life. I think I see the writing on the wall and I’m sad that it’s about to end. I will miss talking to/seeing him… so be gentle in your replies…
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #2  October 13,2010, 8:45am

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Is the move really far?

I have been having this same problem for the past two years....the difference is I put this on my profile of wanting to pursue family business overseas (but keeping my house in the US) and coming back at least once a year. Not sure the percentage of matches who closed me because of this reason.

Edit: I think he is actually wise to want to think it over, after all he seems considerate enough to not want you to just pick up and leave just to be with him. Some guys don't care what happen to you after things don't work out, but in my opinion, he does.

Was this a long distance relationship to begin with or did he suddenly have to move somewhere?
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #3  October 13,2010, 8:53am
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Geography is not insurmountable, sweetie. I moved to Texas to be in a relationship with someone I met online. We had that disucussion fairly early, when it became apparent that we were both falling. He asked if things continued to develop would I consider moving, and I said absolutely - and I did, 7 months later. I think knowing that the move was a possibility caused us to really think things through more clearly and consciously.
We were together for 5 great years and a half of a not-so-great one, and I am a Texas citizen now! yeehaw!

Even though it didn't last forever, I would do it again, even knowing the outcome.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #4  October 13,2010, 8:55am
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PY_2 wrote :
Is the move really far?

I have been having this same problem for the past two years....the difference is I put this on my profile of wanting to pursue family business overseas (but keeping my house in the US) and coming back at least once a year. Not sure the percentage of matches who closed me because of this reason.

Wow! That would be a big relocation, but I admire you for being forthright. In retrospect, I wish I had known this about him before we met...

Edit: I think he is actually wise to want to think it over, after all he seems considerate enough to not want you to just pick up and leave just to be with him. Some guys don't care what happen to you after things don't work out, but in my opinion, he does.

Was this a long distance relationship to begin with or did he suddenly have to move somewhere?

We're three hours apart now and he wants to move back to his hometown. We're on the east coast and his hometown is out west.
Thank you!
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #5  October 13,2010, 8:57am
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From your pic's and what I have seen you reveal about yourself through some of your remarks on here,

*I* would move TWICE as far for somebody HALF as wonderful as you.



This tune came to mind, for some reason - when thinking of your dilemma

YouTube - The Partridge Family - I'll Meet You Halfway


best wishes to you, be resolute and of good cheer.

~~6dle899
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  October 13,2010, 8:59am
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I think you have done the right thing here.

As you present it you and he are not on the same page as to what you want in a relationship at this time. I think that it is quite proper to get this out in the open and see just where you are both headed.

Another thing that you don't mention in the OP is exactly what is meant by him saying "his heart is back home". Is he seriously considering moving "back home"? Is he recent to your area and just homesick? Does he want to move "back home" because he left a former girlfriend there? There are a lot of questions as to whether he is actually going to move "back home" and when. Also there are questions to your ages and why he moved to your area to begin with.

I also have to question why he wants to "keep his options open". There is a lot that could be going on here as well. He just may not be the committing type. He just may not be interested in you as a LTR. Or he may just be a player. Or ... ?

But as I started off this post, you have done what you should. You know where you are and what you are looking for and want to know where you and he are going.
 
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under_siege is offline under_siege Post #7  October 13,2010, 9:08am
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"I hung up the phone and thought, what the hell did I just commit to? "

Sorry love, I just don't know how to be gentle here. It's seems sort of irrelevant what you committed to as he clearly hasn't committed to anything.

You deserve to be with some one who DOESN"T make you sad. Period.

Three years ago I ended a relationship that meant everything to me. Same scenario: someone who enjoyed taking all I had to offer, but realistically had nothing to offer back. It was one of the hardest things I ever did (made even harder by the fact that he lives next door to me). Three very difficult years later I know I made the right choice...and no I haven't found anyone but I do know this: I have a lot of love to offer to the right person, and I surely do deserve to receive it in return. I still wonder if I will ever be as attracted to anyone else as I was to him, but I choose to believe that someday I will. If not, well I don't want to spend the rest of my life sad. At least now I'm available for the right one.

It would be a shame if you stayed with this man and missed the one who will truly make you happy.

Best luck to you!
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #8  October 13,2010, 9:15am
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I think your assessment is correct. It's not about you, it's about what's back home. Offering to move won't help.Sorry.

Special-K wrote :

I want to see only him and he wants to keep his options open.

He says it’s b/c his heart is back home and he doesn’t think it fair to get so deeply involved and expect me to move to be w/ him.

I think I see the writing on the wall and I’m sad that it’s about to end. I will miss talking to/seeing him… so be gentle in your replies…
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #9  October 13,2010, 9:17am
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Dropdeadredtx wrote :
Geography is not insurmountable, sweetie. I moved to Texas to be in a relationship with someone I met online. We had that disucussion fairly early, when it became apparent that we were both falling. He asked if things continued to develop would I consider moving, and I said absolutely - and I did, 7 months later. I think knowing that the move was a possibility caused us to really think things through more clearly and consciously.
We were together for 5 great years and a half of a not-so-great one, and I am a Texas citizen now! yeehaw!

Even though it didn't last forever, I would do it again, even knowing the outcome.

Aaaaaaaah, Dropdeadredtx, you so remind me of a displaced maiden that should have fallen from a puffy white cloud and landed in a swanky loft in downtown Manhattan ....
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #10  October 13,2010, 9:21am
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is happier than if it was a 'no boss Friday' going into a three-day weekend... :-)

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Thanks, DDRT... five great years would be worth a move, in my opinion. My soul is not here and I truly believe that life's a journey. I'm a bit of a conventional free spirit, anyway.

6dle899: Your post made me want to cry... that was really sweet!

Gr8Guy: He moved from his hometown out west to the east coast five years ago for a job and has wanted to go back ever since. He says the economy is really bad there and he couldn't/can't find a job, so here he is. He's three hours north of where I live now. He's talked about the possibility of moving here, as he has other family living in my area. Ultimately, his son isn't here and that's what's drawing him "back home." I totally empathize w/ his situation.

I suppose there's a part of me that thinks he's afraid to commit... I guess that's why I called him on it; if it's that he is homesick, I'll support that, if he's afraid to commit, I want to know before we go any further. I'd say he's definitely not a "player." Whatever the case, I suppose I'll have my answer soon enough...
 
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