Communicating interest & flexibility online?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
chimerical is offline chimerical Post #1  October 13,2010, 12:11am
chimerical's Avatar

is an albino axolotl.

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2009

Arkansas

Posts: 4,154

See profile

Ok, so this doesn't really apply to eHarmony, because eH is really just a dating site, but if any of y'all use OkCupid, you know it's got plenty of people who say they are looking for "friends," "pen-pals," etc. in addition to dating. So... My question is: Is it possible to clearly communicate, in a non-awkward way, that you are equally interested in dating or befriending a particular person?

Or, at least, that you're interested in dating, but open to befriending as a backup?

I ask this because there are several gentlemen on there who I think are interesting-enough people that I would like to befriend them even if they don't consider me physically attractive. (But I also don't want them to think they're instantly friend-zoned, if they do consider me physically attractive. So I don't like to toss the word "friend" right into the email.)

Any tips for conveying this? I feel like I sometimes get OKC's equivalent of "closed" for my looks, and not my personality, even by people who seem to have a lot in common with me & who are open to making new friends (new to the area, etc.), because it is assumed that a girl messaging a guy is doing so for a date.

(Of course, I could be entirely wrong on this point, as it's impossible to verify. But it does seem to be the case.)

Anyway... Any thoughts?
Last edited by chimerical; October 13,2010 at 12:16am.
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  October 13,2010, 5:27am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

In all honesty I don't think those guys are truly looking for friends on a dating site. Looking for friendship read as looking for a hook up, sowing wild oats, don't look to me for a serious relationship - I'm just here to have some fun with you in an fwb type of way, etc. They are not looking for a cool girl, they are looking for a cool girl they want to boink.

I've actually had some guys send me e-mails stating much what you want to say - if you are not interested in dating me, at least be friends with me because we have a lot in common. The thing is that they just come across as extremely desperate x 1000. The friend request does not come across as genuine no matter how they say it.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  October 13,2010, 6:43am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

What DancingFool said.

Just a couple of side comments.
1) OK Cupid advertises itself as a "dating" site. Specifically the number one free dating site.
2) There is a search setting to select the type of relationship you are looking to create.

If you are looking for friends to share activity time with I would suggest Meetup.com as a good choice.

If you are looking for friends to be "pen pals" with you are at a place where you can find some people who will e-mail with you. Or you might find Facebook is an ideal place for such things.
 
  Reply With Quote
chimerical is offline chimerical Post #4  October 13,2010, 11:15am
chimerical's Avatar

is an albino axolotl.

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2009

Arkansas

Posts: 4,154

See profile

DancingFool wrote :
In all honesty I don't think those guys are truly looking for friends on a dating site. Looking for friendship read as looking for a hook up, sowing wild oats, don't look to me for a serious relationship - I'm just here to have some fun with you in an fwb type of way, etc. They are not looking for a cool girl, they are looking for a cool girl they want to boink.
Even a guy who starts off, "Hi! I'm on here looking for friends and penpals mostly." And in the multiple-choice section, answers No to "Do you enjoy meaningless sex?" and No to "Would you consider sleeping with someone on a first date?" and Yes to "Would you consider a relationship with someone who would not be ready for sex with you for at least six months?"

And, most tellingly, answers No to "Would you ever consider having a friendship based primarily on sex, with no intentions for love, romance, or long-term commitment?"

And yes, I trust his answers. Why? Because if he lies to the matching algorithm about a low desire for sex, all his matches are going to have an equally low desire for sex. So he'd only be hurting himself. Furthermore, it's easy to make your answers private (so no one even knows you answered the question). So again, it doesn't make sense to lie in the MC part. And this guy seems too smart to not know that.

DancingFool wrote :
I've actually had some guys send me e-mails stating much what you want to say - if you are not interested in dating me, at least be friends with me because we have a lot in common. The thing is that they just come across as extremely desperate x 1000. The friend request does not come across as genuine no matter how they say it.
I know it can come across as desperate, which is why I asked this. But it's really just simple interest on my part. I'm interested in befriending interesting people.

Maybe if I eschewed the "dating" part and just stepped forward with the "friend" part for some of these guys, that would work. After all, it's the fact that you ask to be taken back after you've been rejected for romance that makes it look desperate--not the friend request itself...
 
  Reply With Quote
chimerical is offline chimerical Post #5  October 13,2010, 11:28am
chimerical's Avatar

is an albino axolotl.

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2009

Arkansas

Posts: 4,154

See profile

Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
What DancingFool said.

Just a couple of side comments.
1) OK Cupid advertises itself as a "dating" site. Specifically the number one free dating site.
2) There is a search setting to select the type of relationship you are looking to create.

If you are looking for friends to share activity time with I would suggest Meetup.com as a good choice.

If you are looking for friends to be "pen pals" with you are at a place where you can find some people who will e-mail with you. Or you might find Facebook is an ideal place for such things.
Yes, and on the search setting, OKC lists, "New Friends, Short-term Dating, Long-term Dating, Long-distance Penpals, Activity Partners, and Casual Sex." See how "friends" and "penpals" is in there? And, as an entirely separate category from "casual sex"?

I've actually no real interest in penpals, but I see no reason not to meet friends on OKC. The guys who I'm running across with "friends" in their profile don't seem like they're looking for the "wink wink nudge nudge" kind of "friend." And, if this is true, it would be nice not to rule them out (or get ruled out) based on physical attraction. It's merely that communicating this is difficult.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  October 13,2010, 12:16pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

chimerical wrote :

I know it can come across as desperate, which is why I asked this. But it's really just simple interest on my part. I'm interested in befriending interesting people.

Maybe if I eschewed the "dating" part and just stepped forward with the "friend" part for some of these guys, that would work. After all, it's the fact that you ask to be taken back after you've been rejected for romance that makes it look desperate--not the friend request itself...
So what if it makes you appear desperate? Maybe you really are, but it may not even matter to him. What from the guy wrote he may be someone with hardly any friends and is trying to find a friend wherever he can.
Last edited by jayjay; October 13,2010 at 12:25pm. Reason: if, not is
 
  Reply With Quote
dmi is online now dmi Post #7  October 13,2010, 12:20pm
dmi's Avatar

dreams of Pyramids and Empires

Power Poster

Joined: May 2010

East Coast

Posts: 5,791

See profile

chimerical wrote :
My question is: Is it possible to clearly communicate, in a non-awkward way, that you are equally interested in dating or befriending a particular person?

Or, at least, that you're interested in dating, but open to befriending as a backup?
I wouldn't go for this. I'd see this as you being interested in dating. If I'm only interested in friendship, there's a good chance things will be uncomfortable. Think you have to kinda pick one or the other and go with it.
 
  Reply With Quote
ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #8  October 13,2010, 12:33pm
ami1uwant's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2008

Seattle, WA

Posts: 4,639

See profile

Guys are looking for dates on OKCupid...the part on friends implies FWBs...
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  October 13,2010, 12:34pm
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

chimerical wrote :
Even a guy who starts off, "Hi! I'm on here looking for friends and penpals mostly." And in the multiple-choice section, answers No to "Do you enjoy meaningless sex?" and No to "Would you consider sleeping with someone on a first date?" and Yes to "Would you consider a relationship with someone who would not be ready for sex with you for at least six months?"

And, most tellingly, answers No to "Would you ever consider having a friendship based primarily on sex, with no intentions for love, romance, or long-term commitment?"

And yes, I trust his answers. Why? Because if he lies to the matching algorithm about a low desire for sex, all his matches are going to have an equally low desire for sex. So he'd only be hurting himself. Furthermore, it's easy to make your answers private (so no one even knows you answered the question). So again, it doesn't make sense to lie in the MC part. And this guy seems too smart to not know that.



I know it can come across as desperate, which is why I asked this. But it's really just simple interest on my part. I'm interested in befriending interesting people.

Maybe if I eschewed the "dating" part and just stepped forward with the "friend" part for some of these guys, that would work. After all, it's the fact that you ask to be taken back after you've been rejected for romance that makes it look desperate--not the friend request itself...
If you give this guy all the benefit of the doubt in the world then what you are left with is a guy who is too insecure to own what he actually wants - a relationship - and is wrongly taking the let's just be friends approach thinking that he can weasel his way into a woman's life that way. Look at what a nice guy he is - no sex, let's just be friends, let's get to know each other, I'm different from all those other jerks out there. You are dealing with the proverbial insecure nice guy and not the good kind. He'll still only be your friend if he has an ulterior motive.

Ultimately, I really don't believe for a moment that people on dating sites are ever looking for just friends. There are way too many other venues for that.

To answer your question - ultimately I don't think you can have it both ways in terms of approach. Either bite the bullet and tell him you are only interested in making friends because you thought he is interesting or you want to date him. Think before you leap though - if you really do want to date him, don't pretend you just want to be friends. It will bite hard when he starts sharing his crush on the latest attractive b... and how she mistreats him. In other words don't become the "nice girl" who is being a friend with the ulterior motive.
 
  Reply With Quote
chimerical is offline chimerical Post #10  October 13,2010, 12:47pm
chimerical's Avatar

is an albino axolotl.

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2009

Arkansas

Posts: 4,154

See profile

jayjay wrote :
So what if it makes you appear desperate? Maybe you really are, but it may not even matter to him. What from the guy wrote he may be someone with hardly any friends and is trying to find a friend wherever he can.
This makes sense. A lot of the people I'm seeing who put this are new to the area--students, or moved for work, etc. So they probably really don't have any friends in the area (which is pretty much the boat I'm in, although for me, it just means that I drive to visit my friends in Memphis all the time).
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« What is he thinking? | Dating | What the hell happened? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
A prospect's interest in you. (Something new.) whatashameaboutme About You 15 July 7,2010 4:23pm
do you do better in person like me or online? gummibearlover Dating 18 June 17,2010 9:18am
Top Ten dating locations online nightling Dating 20 May 31,2010 12:17am
Full figured women-how to get more out of online dating outlaw1 A Man's Point of view 9 August 14,2009 3:05pm
Do women have more freedom of speech online? outlaw1 A Man's Point of view 6 May 14,2009 12:49pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:47am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0