First time truely multi-dating


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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #1  October 12,2010, 7:30am
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Hey guys, I am at the point where there are three guys that I like and am attracted to. This has never happened before. I usually go on a date or two and then once it ends, will find another guy. Now I have three guys! I am single and have been since December. Here is the story:

Guy #1- dating him the past 6 weeks. I have a lot of fun with him but I am not sure we are very compatible. He was looking for long term but then didn't seem to want to get serious. Now I am just looking to go out and see what happens. He probably isn't Mr. Right, but I am single and do like spending time with him.

Guy #2- have been on four great dates with him. He seems very kind and thoughtful. We also have a lot in common. The only probably is that since I have been dating guy 1 longer, I sometimes think of him while on my date with guy 2.

Guy #3- I dated him for two months earlier this year but turned out he wasn't looking for anything serious. We had a lot of fun and I was very attracted to him but decided to end it before more emotions got involved. Recently we began communicating again. I still have some feelings for him and he says he feels the same. He hasn't dated anyone since me because he just wanted to be single. I am not sure if this has really changed, but I am single too so I may as well go out with him again to see what happens,

This is all so confusing for me. I am a single girl so it should be fine to keep my options open. I know if it continues too long there is a possibility of someone getting hurt. Then again these guys are probably multi-dating too. Any advice for someone new to this?
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #2  October 12,2010, 7:40am
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Sorry to say, but I am not a fan of multidating at all. If I am truly interested in someone, then, I want to give them attention they deserve and if it does not work out, then, onto the next. I would like that they reciprocated that way too. The options open idea, well, that is code for FWB, Plan B, C, D, not really that interested, etc.

My 3 cents..

If guys #1 and #3 are mostly out, then you have no choice - it is guy #2 or bust. A girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do...
Last edited by howardtheduck; October 12,2010 at 7:42am. Reason: added guy guesses
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #3  October 12,2010, 7:44am
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howardtheduck wrote :
Sorry to say, but I am not a fan of multidating at all. If I am truly interested in someone, then, I want to give them attention they deserve and if it does not work out, then, onto the next. I would like that they reciprocated that way too. The options open idea, well, that is code for FWB, Plan B, C, D, not really that interested, etc.

My 8 cents
Yeah I know what you mean. That is why I am confused. I have never done it before and have always been against it. I usually just focus on one person, but so far no guy seems to give me that same respect. I put so much energy into a guys that end up with me as just an option.

In addition, I do not plan on being intimate with these guys until I have narrowed down to who I really want to continue with. Thanks for your thoughts.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #4  October 12,2010, 7:46am
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Time should NOT be a factor if you're deciding who to date. If you go out with someone for 2 months feeling meh, and then go out with someone for 2 weeks going "wow". Logically, which one should you pursue? As long as you didn't make any false promises and such, everything should be fine.

How you prevent someone from getting hurt is by NOT leading them on. Don't go too far, unless you want to go that far. Don't go so far where you feel you need to make a choice vs. wanting to make a choice.

As for what you are doing. You are doing nothing wrong. You are keeping your options open. Nothing has gotten to the point where you feel like you need to make a decision, has it? You are enjoying yourself with these guys. That's the point here. From what you've described, guy 1 and guy 3 are going nowhere. You may decide to cut them off, or just keep it casual with those two and see what develops for #2. You may decide that all 3 are total losers, and #4 (around the bend) is the man for you.

Here is the kicker. The hard part about multi-dating. When it comes time for you to really decide. Do not waffle on that choice. Stick to your guns and all will turn out well. If you waffle, someone may get very hurt or strung along without knowing it.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #5  October 12,2010, 7:50am
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Dafearon wrote :
How you prevent someone from getting hurt is by NOT leading them on. Don't go too far, unless you want to go that far. Don't go so far where you feel you need to make a choice vs. wanting to make a choice..
I do not with to lead them on. They know that I have been seeing other people. I think only one of them is not seeing other girls.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  October 12,2010, 7:55am
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Contrary to Mr. Duck I see nothing wrong with "multi-dating". However, this is not the dating MO that you follow when you have found someone that you feel has long term potential. When you have found someone that you feel has long term potential you then become exclusive and focus only on that person. Better mention here that becoming exclusive is something that you and the person discuss and you BOTH decide that being exclusive is what you both want.

The reasons for dating many different people is:
1) To learn about the other person.
2) To learn about yourself. What you want in your mate and what you don't want.
3) To have fun.

From your OP I don't see that there is long term potential with any of these guys, especially Guy #1 and Guy #3.

I also have a concern that when you are with Guy #2 you think of Guy #1. This is not because, as you said, you have been dating Guy #1 longer. It is a problem that you have that you need to get resolved before you will be good long term dating material yourself.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  October 12,2010, 7:57am
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beccaf87 wrote :
Hey guys, I am at the point where there are three guys that I like and am attracted to. This has never happened before. I usually go on a date or two and then once it ends, will find another guy. Now I have three guys! I am single and have been since December. Here is the story:

Guy #1- dating him the past 6 weeks. I have a lot of fun with him but I am not sure we are very compatible. He was looking for long term but then didn't seem to want to get serious. Now I am just looking to go out and see what happens. He probably isn't Mr. Right, but I am single and do like spending time with him.

Guy #2- have been on four great dates with him. He seems very kind and thoughtful. We also have a lot in common. The only probably is that since I have been dating guy 1 longer, I sometimes think of him while on my date with guy 2.

Guy #3- I dated him for two months earlier this year but turned out he wasn't looking for anything serious. We had a lot of fun and I was very attracted to him but decided to end it before more emotions got involved. Recently we began communicating again. I still have some feelings for him and he says he feels the same. He hasn't dated anyone since me because he just wanted to be single. I am not sure if this has really changed, but I am single too so I may as well go out with him again to see what happens,

This is all so confusing for me. I am a single girl so it should be fine to keep my options open. I know if it continues too long there is a possibility of someone getting hurt. Then again these guys are probably multi-dating too. Any advice for someone new to this?
If you don't know what you want yet, then you should keep your options open. At least two of these guys sound like they are doing the same, so there ya go.
It's fine not to multi date...as long as you realize not everyone thinks or wants to do the same..and they are not, in most cases, obligated to tell you, so don't pigeon hole yourself, either.
It's not a relationship until both act like it is.

I don't ever assume anyone I go out with is exclusively seeing me. I know the deal.
I don't ask questions about that, and it is NOMB. Period.
It just isn't.
In the end the best "man", wins.
Last edited by TheThinker; October 12,2010 at 8:04am.
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #8  October 12,2010, 8:01am
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Also, not a fan of multi-dating for many reasons. I can't imagine any guy sticking around for 6 weeks knowing she is multi-dating.

Either way, here it was unnecessary. Why? Early on both guys #1 and #3 became non-options as they did not have the same dating goal as you. You should have stopped seeing them (were you sticking around for sex?)

But here's how it goes down: when guys say they're not looking for anything serious, they mean with YOU. The right gal comes along and they'll be ALL about being serious. Here this eliminates guy #1 and #3, which characteristically leaves you with the guy you like least.

But an enigma for the ages, the guy you implicitly like the least is you only viable option, or at least the only one aligned with your goals.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #9  October 12,2010, 8:03am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
From your OP I don't see that there is long term potential with any of these guys, especially Guy #1 and Guy #3.

I also have a concern that when you are with Guy #2 you think of Guy #1. This is not because, as you said, you have been dating Guy #1 longer. It is a problem that you have that you need to get resolved before you will be good long term dating material yourself.
I think you are right about guy #1. Not sure yet about guy #3. You are right that it wasn't the length of time I was with guy #1, but that I liked him so much despite knowing he probably wasn't the best choice for me.

I have been really good in the past getting rid of guys that aren't right for me. I don't know why it is so hard with this one.

Also for guy #2, I had told him I had been seeing someone for the past month or so when he asked me out. He said since I am still single its the other guys fault and I should be able to go out with him. After some thought I did, and had a great time. I told him last night that I feel bad jumping from one guy to another and he said that I shouldn't feel bad at all.

How can I forget about guy #1? I did like him a lot.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #10  October 12,2010, 8:06am
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To me...Guy #2 should be out of the picture...If he doesn't even grab your total attention enough during the date...it's not worth pursuing further..at least I personally don't see the point..

And..it's not really fair to him either...I would want to know that the guy I was dating didn't feel any chemistry with me and send me along my way...

I think it's fine to multi date at this stage...it's just making sure that you are up front and completely honest with not only yourself, but the guys you are dating...

I usually know within a few dates whether a guy and I 'click' enough to keep going out...

It's pretty 'telling' to me though that the only one you mention being attracted to, 'very' are your words...LOL...is guy #3

So..if you both enjoy his company, he is kind and thoughtful, as well as there is some sort of spark...that would be the one I would be spending more time with to see where it goes...

Wish you luck in whatever you do...
 
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