Very low communication in between dates; is this normal?


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lillypad78 is offline lillypad78 Post #1  October 11,2010, 9:47pm
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I began communicating with a match in the beginning of September. He was very communicative through daily emails on the dating site, he always responded to all of my questions with quality answers and asked me things as well. I enjoyed our emails so much that I finally agreed to meet up with him after a couple weeks for coffee. At that point he gave me his phone number and told me that I can reach him that way via text. So, I did and as it turns out, he is a short texter. Does not really provoke conversation through text, no questions... etc. I figure it's just his style, and I didn't push anything, I don't bombard him with texts, I simply reply if he texts me.

We met for drinks on a Saturday (as a first quick meet up), it went great, we got along wonderfully. He then asked me out for the next Saturday night and I agreed. I barely heard from him throughout the week (one phone call and a couple texts regarding the upcoming date), which was fine considering it was going to be our first date and he did state that he was a very busy person. I have to admit though, that because the emails had stopped, I felt like some sort of momentum was broken, and I missed the communication we had started. The 1st offical date went great, regardless.

After the 1st date, I was racking my brain because he did not mention a 2nd date and he did not contact me until the middle of the week and when he did, it was to ask for a 2nd date. I felt silly for "overthinking things" because this is probably normal, right?

We went on a 2nd date this past Saturday, and again it was great... there were a couple of silent moments (but it didn't feel awkward). We kissed and it was great... but I didn't feel a "hot and heavy" spark, but it was nice. I'm wondering if I didn't feel the spark because we're lacking the great communication we had via email.

Is this normal? Do I need to say something about this, or will he possibly become more communicative as the relationship progresses? I'm pretty sure he's dating other people right now, so I almost don't feel a right to say anything. Do I maybe start emailing him again?

What do I do?
 
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CharlieKate is offline CharlieKate Post #2  October 12,2010, 12:35am
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I believe you are over-thinking this. It sounds normal and healthy. I do agree that when you go from e-mails everyday to calling to dates, there is a breakdown of communication. But, we are women. Men don't see it that way. They see this as making it to the dating phase and the daily contact is not as important. That is what the date is for. I would say, keep your options open. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak by putting all your eggs in one basket. This process, in my opinion, is viewed differently by men than women. I have been thru a similar situation and wish someone would have told me what I am telling you. Best of Luck!!!
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #3  October 12,2010, 6:14am
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I would agree with the previous poster that as you move to dating, there may be a decrease in communication. (i.e. daily calls, texts, e-mails can be way too much at this stage of the game.)

He obviously has some interest because he continues to ask you out. But why is it entirely up to him to set the communication schedule? Have you picked up the phone between dates to contact him or set up another date? I certainly like for the guy to initiate the first couple, but after that, I believe it can show interest on your part to make it more of a give and take.
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #4  October 12,2010, 6:59am
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I've experienced that same thing.

And i'm a guy.

The email stage is usually really great, we send stories and info back and forth and have a great time on a daily basis. But when you get to the date, or sometimes even when you get to the phone, the emailing stops in between dates. I don't get that.

It's supposed to be like meeting someone new and you WANT to talk to them.


I don't think it's always a guy thing either. I was in a LDR where I made a point to send a positive note via email to my partner every day. She always told me how great they were and we talked every day. But she claimed she just wasn't that articulate and in the course of the year, only sent a few emails back.

Maybe it's just a casual dating thing. That you are just one person in a list of many. If so, I wouldn't want to be one of many.

I just don't get it, either.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  October 12,2010, 7:02am
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lillypad78 wrote :
I began communicating with a match in the beginning of September. He was very communicative through daily emails on the dating site, he always responded to all of my questions with quality answers and asked me things as well. I enjoyed our emails so much that I finally agreed to meet up with him after a couple weeks for coffee. At that point he gave me his phone number and told me that I can reach him that way via text. So, I did and as it turns out, he is a short texter. Does not really provoke conversation through text, no questions... etc. I figure it's just his style, and I didn't push anything, I don't bombard him with texts, I simply reply if he texts me.

We met for drinks on a Saturday (as a first quick meet up), it went great, we got along wonderfully. He then asked me out for the next Saturday night and I agreed. I barely heard from him throughout the week (one phone call and a couple texts regarding the upcoming date), which was fine considering it was going to be our first date and he did state that he was a very busy person. I have to admit though, that because the emails had stopped, I felt like some sort of momentum was broken, and I missed the communication we had started. The 1st offical date went great, regardless.

After the 1st date, I was racking my brain because he did not mention a 2nd date and he did not contact me until the middle of the week and when he did, it was to ask for a 2nd date. I felt silly for "overthinking things" because this is probably normal, right?

We went on a 2nd date this past Saturday, and again it was great... there were a couple of silent moments (but it didn't feel awkward). We kissed and it was great... but I didn't feel a "hot and heavy" spark, but it was nice. I'm wondering if I didn't feel the spark because we're lacking the great communication we had via email.

Is this normal? Do I need to say something about this, or will he possibly become more communicative as the relationship progresses? I'm pretty sure he's dating other people right now, so I almost don't feel a right to say anything. Do I maybe start emailing him again?

What do I do?
do nothing. there is no way to approach this without seeming needy.

this guy is doing everything right. you've had only two dates. i think you are way overly focused on all of this and should still be dating others rather than overinvesting in him.
 
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tincup is offline tincup Post #6  October 12,2010, 7:36am
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Nanette wrote :
do nothing. there is no way to approach this without seeming needy.

this guy is doing everything right. you've had only two dates. i think you are way overly focused on all of this and should still be dating others rather than overinvesting in him.
Cannot say I agree with this advice. Two thoughts. And FYI, they both come from a guy's persepctive:

1) Guys will test you just as you will test them. In other words, don't expect him to write to you every day as if he always initiates communication he may be purposely deadening the trail to see if you are interested in him (kind of what you are doing to him it seems). Initiate a few emails to him. If you have and the response time is low or non-existent then fall on the advice above and don't continue to send things. If nobody is breaking the communication hiatus don't be afraid to. I'd give him the same advice if I could write to him.

2) Momentum is a fantastic word here. You hit the nail on the head. Sure it's true that as you start dating someone, the types of communication and quite possibly the frequency should change. However, you shouldn't have the feeling of a loss of momentum. If I really like someone I go out of my way to not take that extra day to respond to them because I don't want them to think I'm blowing them off. If I'm busy I'll send a quick note and say "don't take it personally, I'm busy tonight, we'll catch up tomorrow." Some will say this isn't the nature of men. I disagree. Men are practical beings. If we accidentally blow off girls we like, we don't get to see them any more.

Moral: don't worry about your pride. Contact the guy unless you've sent him a bunch of emails/texts already and he's been non-responsive. If he's responsive great - if he's not, categorize him accordingly; which is to say as someone who may not be as interested in you as you are in him. He's a guy so if you just want to have a good time, he's probably up for it, but don't expect much more from him. The notion that guys don't like commitment is in my humble opinion a myth. Every guy who finds love wants it again; if a guy is sticking around but not acting particularly interested, he's probably not. Realize that unlike most girls, guys will on average be more willing to entertain non-emotional relationships. It's up to you and him to determine if you're both ok with that. I wouldn't judge either of you whichever way you go. Just make sure everybody has their eyes wide open.

Good luck!

Tincup
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  October 12,2010, 7:41am
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I am going to go against the rest of the posters just a bit.

Different people have different communication styles. So this level and style of communication is "normal" for him, but that does not mean that every guy does this. Just as the lack of communication between dates is frustrating you it would frustrate me also. I am experiencing this very same thing with some of my matches so it is not just a guy thing.

I also see some red flags with this guy.
1) In the early stages of communication he was very prompt (attentive). He was putting his best foot forward, in other words. Limited communication is his normal so long term this is what you should expect.
2) He gave you his phone number and "told me that I can reach him that way via text". Why can't you call him??? Red flags are waving, red lights are flashing and bells are going off.
 
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Getting_There is offline Getting_There Post #8  October 12,2010, 7:51am
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Depends on the people involved and to some extent their communication style. But this might change if your relationship continues to develop. If it doesn't change down the road then it might be a compatibility issue if you are unhappy with the situation and he won't increase the communication.

I recently dated a guy who turned out to be like this on a regular basis. In the end I broke it off because I felt neglected and lost the connection we had been building. He was also a workaholic and that coupled with his need for lots of personal space made him very incompatible for me. We had good times when together but he would go "dark" during the week and it made me feel lonely and like I was in a relationship with myself at times.

The man I'm dating now calls me almost every night and we text a little during our work day. This is the kind of communication I really enjoy so I think I've found someone with a communication style which is more compatible with mine. I personally need to feel connected to someone I'm dating when we're not together so I know we're both thinking about each other and the relationship can keep growing.
 
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lillypad78 is offline lillypad78 Post #9  October 12,2010, 11:36am
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Wow, thank you for the very insightful responses! Just a couple things I wanted to refer to:

I wouldn't mind initiating some texts/phonecalls, but I simply don't because he has stated that he works very hard, and I don't want him to think I don't respect his time. Also, I've heard those dating nightmare stories where girls scare off perfectly good men when initiating conversations. And lastly, since he's dating other women, I don't want to be the girl that texts him all the time.

I know for a fact that he is not married or has a girlfriend, so I don't think it's that. Perhaps this is just his style? Or maybe he's feeding off of me as I'm feeding off of him, so we're both giving off the low communication vibe? So hard to tell and seemingly way too early on to ask about it.

Should I maybe send him a quick email through the dating website like we used to?
 
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Getting_There is offline Getting_There Post #10  October 12,2010, 12:13pm
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Well you've got nothing to lose by contacting him and if you're nervous it might be good practice to help you get over that for future guys. But make sure you keep it light hearted and brief at first. I wouldn't specifically talk to him about your concerns until you get to know him better and can observe patterns.

Here are things you might try:

You could get try texting him right before lunch and ask how his day is going? If he responds then do this again the next day and see if he reciprocates again. This shows you're interested but doesn't take a lot of his time to respond.

-- or

You could send him an email. If he responds then your next email might be to suggest you move to personal email since it's easier to use that than the dating website email. If he sends to your personal email then that's a good sign.

In either case if he doesn't respond or responds extremely slowly then you're getting closer to better gauging his true interest.

The suggestion to date other men during this early stage is a good one. Since this fellow is being fairly noncommittal this would be help insure you don't invest too much time or thought into him and you might find someone better for you in the process who makes you feel more secure with better and timely communication.
 
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