my dating dilemma... my looks


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missmollyrose is offline missmollyrose Post #1  October 10,2010, 7:38pm
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So to give a little history about me: My close friends and family have told me I'm the classic ugly (they didnt use that word, though) duckling who grew up to be the beautiful swan. (for those who don't know, it is a famous children's story). For years as a kid through high school I had pretty low self-esteem, was teased, etc. I was overweight, acne, braces, bad glasses, didn't know how to dress or style my massive frizzy hair, etc. We all know those girls who morph into beautiful women, but maintain low self-esteem, and even believe they're ugly when they are very pretty. Well, that was me for a while and as you can tell I'm starting to figure it out. I now have more confidence in my physical appearance, and have a better understanding of how people really see me now.

Back when I was a teen and struggling with weight and all that, I poured all my energy into developing my passions, focusing on my education, and getting some really cool hobbies. My friends (some of whom are men) now tell me that I'm a total package, because unlike a lot of beautiful women, I'm still really nice and interesting, do cool stuff, etc. I'm really not trying to brag here or sound egotistical, just want to give you an idea of who I am.

So anyways, my problem with dating now is that men only look at me as pretty, and don't ask me out because they think I'm nice or funny or unique, they just want me because of my appearance. I don't want to waste my time with men like that! This is the main reason I've been giving online dating a try. Some other websites are even worse, so I joined E-harmony recently. I thought it would be a good opportunity to learn about someone and they learn about me, and we can email and ask questions before we even go on a date. Sounds good, right?

Well I am being bombarded with "matches" who clearly didn't even read what I had to write, and who we obviously have very little in common, but they just see my pictures and want to talk. The first thing they say is always about my looks. I have started talking with a guy who genuinely seems cool, so I'm hoping that will be successful.

So, my question is, does anyone have advice on how to meet potential partners that you know are looking for a real connection and not just a pretty face? I'd also love if anyone had ideas on how to do that outside of online dating, too, but also with how to deal with that online.

Thanks
 
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WA_hiker is offline WA_hiker Post #2  October 10,2010, 7:43pm
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Message guys who you find interesting rather than just waiting to be contacted by guys.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #3  October 10,2010, 7:44pm
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Well you can tone down how you dress, put little or no makeup on and don't fuss with your hair too much. Then the guys who come around won't be focusing so much on your looks.

However, when you deemphasize one of your qualities (attractiveness is a quality), then you may tend to lower the overall quality (looks + whatever) of the guys that are interested.
 
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penpen2 is offline penpen2 Post #4  October 10,2010, 8:08pm
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Just reject them if you're not interested. I don't believe you need to change the way you dress or do your make up. That's your business. If eventually you meet/speak/communicate with these men and you feel like they are not interested in you as a person, you have the power to end things with them.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #5  October 10,2010, 8:09pm

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missmollyrose wrote :
So, my question is, does anyone have advice on how to meet potential partners that you know are looking for a real connection and not just a pretty face? I'd also love if anyone had ideas on how to do that outside of online dating, too, but also with how to deal with that online.

Thanks
this is an easy one.

don't put your pictures up. put a note in your profile that you are more than happy to send pictures once communication has reached email (for EH)

if they ask why, tell them that you wanted to be contacted by men who liked your profile over your pictures. which is the truth.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  October 10,2010, 8:17pm
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missmollyrose wrote :
... so I joined E-harmony recently. I thought it would be a good opportunity to learn about someone and they learn about me, and we can email and ask questions before we even go on a date. Sounds good, right?

Well I am being bombarded with "matches" who clearly didn't even read what I had to write, and who we obviously have very little in common, but they just see my pictures and want to talk. The first thing they say is always about my looks. I have started talking with a guy who genuinely seems cool, so I'm hoping that will be successful.

So, my question is, does anyone have advice on how to meet potential partners that you know are looking for a real connection and not just a pretty face? I'd also love if anyone had ideas on how to do that outside of online dating, too, but also with how to deal with that online.

Thanks
The matching process at eHarmony is based on the 29 Dimensions of Compatibility. Your 29 Dimensions are determined by the answers that you gave when you filled out the Personality Profile Questionnaire. Every match that you get will be compatible based on the matching system on those 29 Dimensions.

My general experience is that people on eHarmony are generally looking for a long term relationship. This is not the case on some of the other sites. Pretty faces are going to garner more attention than ugly faces. Or for the guys it is going to be that the tall, dark and handsome are going to get a lot more communication than the short and plain. That is the way life works and not just dating. The best way to meet someone (on eHarmony) is to be proactive and send First Questions to every match that you have ANY interest in.

Being proactive in meeting guys is also going to work better than being passive in real life situations. The best way to deal with people who you feel are attracted to you solely on your "pretty face" when you don't feel the interest is appropriate is to simply say "no thanks".
 
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missmollyrose is offline missmollyrose Post #7  October 10,2010, 8:25pm
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Okay, thanks to everyone for the feedack.

I have never been one to "wallflower" and have no problem contacting someone who strikes my interest.

I get that eharmony is sending me matches who we have at least some in common, but with that said, there is still a lot of room for variety. I always try to keep an open mind in terms of matches, and don't want to assume the match is just basing the attraction on looks, but sometimes it's obvious.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #8  October 10,2010, 8:27pm
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scarlet13 wrote :
this is an easy one.

don't put your pictures up. put a note in your profile that you are more than happy to send pictures once communication has reached email (for EH)

if they ask why, tell them that you wanted to be contacted by men who liked your profile over your pictures. which is the truth.
Not the best idea, since eH removed the some of photo sharing settings as well as the request to re-open a match, there is the risk she'll be interested in someone who closed her for no photo, and then have to go through the hassle to call customer service to ask to be reopened.
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #9  October 10,2010, 8:34pm
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missmollyrose wrote :
So anyways, my problem with dating now is that men only look at me as pretty, and don't ask me out because they think I'm nice or funny or unique, they just want me because of my appearance. I don't want to waste my time with men like that!
Uh, this is very naive and otherwise all sorts of misguided

ALL men want to date girls for their looks. ALL men.

The number one reason why men date and want relationships is for sexual fulfillment.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #10  October 10,2010, 8:45pm

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TrekRyder10 wrote :
Not the best idea, since eH removed the some of photo sharing settings as well as the request to re-open a match, there is the risk she'll be interested in someone who closed her for no photo, and then have to go through the hassle to call customer service to ask to be reopened.
if she puts a note in her profile that she will share photos once they get to email i don't see why that's an issue.

I did this on POF, and it worked really well. the volume of men contacting me slowed and i knew that the ones that did contact actually read my profile.
 
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