Baby on the Way..When do I Tell Them?


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kmg51186 is offline kmg51186 Post #1  October 10,2010, 4:43pm
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Ok, a little history first. Right now, I am 38wks pregnant w my first baby. I am very excited that she is almost here! The baby's father and I have not been together for the last 7months or so and before that we'd actually only known eachother for about 3 months. It was my choice to end things w him bc I was not in love w him and I don't believe in staying w someone just bc you're going to have a kid together. I have been totally focused on my and my baby...meaning, I have not talked to any other person during my pregnancy. I signed up on eHarmony bc I felt like it would maybe narrow down my search since I won't be having that much free time to go out and meet people from now on..lol. I like the idea that I can get to know someone first, that way I don't waste my time going on dates w random ppl I may have No connection w at all besides physical. So, my dilemma is, when I do meet someone on eHarmony, how soon should I tell them that I am about to have a kid or just had a kid (depending on when I meet them)? I mean, I already put that I have a kid on my profile...but should I be totally upfront or wait til they start asking questions? Any ideas/suggestions?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  October 10,2010, 4:52pm
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hi have you posted under another name before?

i *personally* dont think now or anytime soon is a good time to be dating so i really have no response to your actual question other than i think it would be best for your baby to wait until she is of an age where she can inform you fairly articulately of problems before you expose her to relative strangers.
 
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #3  October 10,2010, 5:00pm
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congrats and good luck to you as you prepare for childbirth and falling in love with your new baby.

how old are you? it worries me a little that you have not spoken to anyone during your pregnancy? do you mean men/dating prospects?

I'd quit eharmony till the baby is two-three months old. you will need reliable child care to start dating. I would cross that bridge when you come to it, about what to put in the profile about your child.

having your first child will completely transform you. I would focus on that for now.

Much luck to you with motherhood - best thing that ever happened to me.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #4  October 10,2010, 5:23pm
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As a woman who, 20 years ago, had a child with no father anywhere in the picture, I would have to advise you to seriously reconsider being on a partner search at this time. Your attention should be on your new baby and settling into what life as a single mother consists of, not "Who Viewed My Profile". There is plenty of time for that later!
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #5  October 10,2010, 5:32pm
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My friend is about to have her first child too ... and she is married. The one thing I have noticed is how tired she is now. My understanding is that this is likely to continue for some months whilst the baby is very young.

You may find that you don't have the energy to date right after child-birth.

I do agree with the others, I think this is not the right time for you to be trying to date.

However, if you do - you should disclose in your profile that you have a child. You can do this by putting YES as the answer for 'Kids at Home'. And in your 'Additional About Me' section, you could write about being a new mother and what you have found about yourself which has changed as a result of motherhood.
 
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Getting_There is offline Getting_There Post #6  October 10,2010, 5:52pm
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You should really take time after the birth to focus and get to know your new baby. My suggestion is you wait at least 9-12 months before getting on eHarmony. You need time to recover from the birth both physically and emotionally first and to make sure you and your baby are both totally adjusted to each other.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #7  October 10,2010, 5:53pm
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I can't tell you when it's a right time in your life (and your child's) for you to date. But knowing how much a child changes your life, I wonder if it might be a good idea to hold off at least until after the child is born. There's just so many changes in store that adding dating to the mix may be too much.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #8  October 10,2010, 6:05pm
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Dear KMG51186,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting.

Your's is a bit of a different situation as you're about to have a baby within the next two weeks and you're thinking of dating.

You mention this is your very first baby. You've perhaps been doing some reading on the subject, and, if so, have learned that you will be quite exhausted when your new baby arrives as she will require 24 / 7 care for an extensive period of time.

You see, babies demand, demand, demand while you give, give, give - whether it's several times in the night when you're trying to get some sleep for work, and all throughout the day.

Do you have anyone to help you with your baby? Do you live with your parents? What role will the father want in his baby's life. He does have a legal role he can claim.

You will be more exhausted than you think possible in the initial months of the babies' life even if you have a "good" baby, i.e., one that sleeps for a couple hours at a time.

Many babies have colic, acid reflux type issues where they have to sleep with their heads elevated, and all sorts of things.

Plus, if you put your baby in childcare, she will frequently be sick from catching things from the others children as the two preschoolers of my friends are.

A baby is a whole lot more work than you're thinking and you'll be craving sleep. . . .

You really won't have time to be thinking about men in the near future. Have you thought about that?

Also, is it really fair to bring all this into a man's life? You have a lot going on in your life and babies - even the most wonderful baby - causes stress in people's lives.

New parents experience lots of stress and lack-of-sleep with their babies and it's a very hard time in people's lives, even for a two-parent family.

Of course, you love your baby but with work and taking care of your little one, you will be exhausted as other mother's are.

This really is not fair to your match.

Right now, concentrate on your baby and getting some sleep as it's very hard being a single parent.

It's difficult enough for singles without any children to meet people and a baby only adds to the complexity of the situation. Not all men want to take on the responsibility of another man's baby.

That's not to say someone won't, but considering it really takes time to get to know a person and for a relationship to build in person, you won't have the time to do this right now - even though you do think you will.

Listen to the advice of the other posters. Everyone is telling you the same thing. People that already have kids are telling you this.

Be wise. Be prudent. Listen to good advice.

If you still insist, despite what everyone has told you, then, as another poster mentioned, you should mark, "Yes," that you have kids at home and mention in your profile that you just had a baby or you could mention the baby's age somewhere in the profile, i.e., newborn.

This will raise a lot of questions of course.

I think you're biting off way more than you can chew and right now your priority needs to be taking good care of your health and then taking care of your baby.

My advice is to wait until your baby is at least a year old before looking into eHarmony - even though you're currently a member. This is not the time for that. There will come a season but not now.

Another concern is that for months after birth, a mother's hormones are in a lot of turmoil. Right now, you don't know if you'll suffer from post-partum depression or not. Don't make life harder on yourself and your baby.

Please write and let us know how you're doing and may your delivery go easy and your baby girl be very healthy.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; October 10,2010 at 6:13pm.
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #9  October 10,2010, 6:07pm
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Agree with above. Prolactin levels will spike after childbirth and you might find yourself low on energy and maybe a bit depressed. I too would advise waiting a few months before pursuing a relationship.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #10  October 10,2010, 8:54pm
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We did have a similar thread not too long ago where you can read some more opinions on dating while pregnant:
http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...situation.html (pregnant but ready to date, how to approch the situation?)

It's still my opinion that you should tell your dates before you meet them and give them the choice to meet you. Anything else I see as deception.

I also think you should wait until you've had the baby and gotten into some sort of routine with your life.
 
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