What to do when you know you're unattractive?


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B_A_R is offline B_A_R Post #1  October 10,2010, 3:10pm
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So I'm a guy, 27, and I know I'm unattractive. My face is kinda like a Mr. Potatohead -- the pieces just don't look right. I can't point to any one thing and say, "Yeah, if that looked better I'd be OK." It's the entire thing.

I've got several friends who are good looking, and I see the way women react to them around the office or when we go out. Suffice it to say that the guys I'm thinking of could practically have their pick of women, and need to do nothing more than show up and women flock to them. Me -- I may as well be invisible.

Anyway, my question is: What do I do about that on a site like eharmony? I can't hide it. My pictures show me, unattractive as I am. Am I just out of luck?
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #2  October 10,2010, 3:27pm
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Hi B_A_R & welcome to EHA!

Nope, I don't believe that you're out of luck at all.

For many people, attraction is not just based on looks, although physical appearance is an important factor. (There is a most interesting thread on this in this very Forum at present! http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...-disagree.html (It’s about attraction and not about looks? Agree or disagree?))

Make sure you post pictures in your profile, you can create interest from your matches by having a well written and positive profile. If you haven't, you can go to the Using eHarmony Forum and paste your profile for review.

Cheers, Meri.
Last edited by meri75; October 10,2010 at 3:29pm. Reason: Added link
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #3  October 10,2010, 3:35pm
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First thing is you have to change your attitude. You have to be happy with you. I'm not the best looking guy either, but that doesn't matter in the end.

What's more important is how you present yourself, how you carry yourself, how you conduct yourself in everyday life... and on your profile. That says so much more... especially to women. Women see right through an attractive guy who is only skin deep.

I'm sure women here will chime in and tell you that looks aren't everything.

The first thing you need to do is fix things so that you present yourself well in everyday situations. If you aren't exercising, you should, just a little bit ... because not only is it good for you, but being active improves your posture and you simply appear better. It's also a big deal psychologically, because you feel better and it shows.

Start today thinking about that. How you present yourself. When you go about town and work, walk around like you own the place. It shows confidence.

Forget about what you consider average looks. You'll be attractive to women just by presenting yourself well. And women who don't perceive that aren't worth your time.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  October 10,2010, 3:45pm
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Perhaps you can be more specific?

If you are comfortable with the public nature of this space, you may wish to post some photos here, too. Although this topic comes up from time to time, one thing that is consistent is that some of the women always like the man who was initially concerned over his appearance.

I think most men can acheive a satisfactory appearance, especially if they are willing to experiment with hair / clothing / setting for photos / overall style.

In person, stature and demeaner count for a lot, too.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  October 10,2010, 4:06pm
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B_A_R wrote :
So I'm a guy, 27, and I know I'm unattractive. My face is kinda like a Mr. Potatohead -- the pieces just don't look right. I can't point to any one thing and say, "Yeah, if that looked better I'd be OK." It's the entire thing.

Anyway, my question is: What do I do about that on a site like eharmony? I can't hide it. My pictures show me, unattractive as I am. Am I just out of luck?
Everybody's got a "type".

You're new here, so you don't know. My type...I call him Marlboro Man.

(Oh, he doesn't smoke, of course, for I'm a California Girl...and we don't do that here)

My point...Marlboro Man is an image. There are many men that "fit" the image...but right now, right off the top of my head...I could name Charles Bronson...ugly as sin...he's a Marlboro Man.

Just ask JJ...he even had his pic up on Man's POV awhile back...as the very epitome of Marlboro Man...did it just for me.

j8a
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  October 10,2010, 4:08pm

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B_A_R wrote :
So I'm a guy, 27, and I know I'm unattractive. My face is kinda like a Mr. Potatohead -- the pieces just don't look right. I can't point to any one thing and say, "Yeah, if that looked better I'd be OK." It's the entire thing.

I've got several friends who are good looking, and I see the way women react to them around the office or when we go out. Suffice it to say that the guys I'm thinking of could practically have their pick of women, and need to do nothing more than show up and women flock to them. Me -- I may as well be invisible.

Anyway, my question is: What do I do about that on a site like eharmony? I can't hide it. My pictures show me, unattractive as I am. Am I just out of luck?
I ain't gonna sugar coat it for you and do the politically correct bit of 'looks don't matter, personality counts, etc' I'll let my fellow members do that for ya.

First of all, I am not saying you are unattractive...that's subjective (aside from you have to be more positive in looking at yourself), but having said that...my question to you is, who is your target audience?

There are some very few lucky ones who are not good looking or only average, but they managed to get hitched with good looking matches (or at least went out on a few dates/relationships, etc).

Majority of them are either going out with those who are about the same level in attractive scale. If you're shooting for the stars, better hope you got out of this world personality, sense of humor, and something that that woman wants...whatever it is, make sure you got something unique specific to that woman needs. We don't know what that is (even the most advanced super computer Intel Pentium 971 crashed when trying to search for this )...on EH...assuming what you're saying were 'true' (about being unattractive by general standard), I'd say yes, EH or online dating in general wouldn't be a good venue for you.....many would give you the nonsense like "a good one would be able to see your personality" but this is online dating....kinda like if you search for your stuff at your favorite online store, you will first look for something that fits your needs and looks pleasing to your eyes (regardless what they tell you). Again, like I said...unless you have an absolute amazing, super duper awesome profile, you would lose out to just average profile, with a very good looking guys.

I am not saying all women are like that either....I'm just saying when it comes to online dating, unless you are a very good writer, it's tough to let your personality and other things come across in a one page profile.

Better off with meet up groups or any other hobby based groups around your area.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #7  October 10,2010, 5:18pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I think most men can acheive a satisfactory appearance, especially if they are willing to experiment with hair / clothing / setting for photos / overall style.
This is good advice.

I also forgot to write in my initial response that looks are subjective. Recently, some women at my place of work started talking about single men in our workplace, assessing on attractiveness by looks alone. Not one of us agreed with the other! And it quickly became obvious that we have 'trends'. For example, I like eyes and hands and I tend to notice those on a person before any other feature.
 
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Getting_There is offline Getting_There Post #8  October 10,2010, 5:23pm
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Here are some suggestions for you to consider:
1) If you have a good personality profile then consider opening it up for viewing by all your matches (this can help sell your personality)
2) If you are looking for a serious relationship you may have a better chance and should put this type of thing in your profile; make sure your profile is completely filled in and has depth (many woman looking for LTR are tired of the treatment high value "handsome" men tend to expect when online dating)
3) Consider dating outside your own culture and race if you're comfortable doing so
4) Make sure your profile pics show your personality and charm as much as possible
5) Don't mention your feelings about your looks to any of your matches or in your profile
6) Be open to dating women who you might not find initially attractive via their profile pics. I'm always surprised by how much better some people look in real life than in their pics anyway.
7) Put thought and use care when responding to or sending communications or questions. Being willing to invest time in the communication process shows a woman you're sincerely interested.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #9  October 10,2010, 6:00pm
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As others have pointed out, looks and attraction can be very subjective. Several of the guys I've dated in the past weren't "conventionally attractive" but they were extremely attractive to me. And don't forget, confidence can be very attractive as well - I want someone who is comfortable in their skin, regardless of what they look like.

You also need to make sure you're presenting yourself in the best possible light - posting good, clear photos. Do you have a female friend or two that you can ask to review your photos or give you an honest critique of how you present yourself? I'm not suggesting you become someone you're not, but even basic tweaks in hairstyle or wardrobe can make a difference.
 
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Pilgrim007 is offline Pilgrim007 Post #10  October 11,2010, 4:03am
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B_A_R wrote :
So I'm a guy, 27, and I know I'm unattractive. My face is kinda like a Mr. Potatohead -- the pieces just don't look right. I can't point to any one thing and say, "Yeah, if that looked better I'd be OK." It's the entire thing.

I've got several friends who are good looking, and I see the way women react to them around the office or when we go out. Suffice it to say that the guys I'm thinking of could practically have their pick of women, and need to do nothing more than show up and women flock to them. Me -- I may as well be invisible.

Anyway, my question is: What do I do about that on a site like eharmony? I can't hide it. My pictures show me, unattractive as I am. Am I just out of luck?
Brother,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you brother because I do understand your problem. I have been in your shoes all my life.

I would hang around friends who women flock to them without them lifting a finger. While women say they are all looking for something different (and this is true) almost all will be attracted to a man 6’+, broad shoulders, and a boyish face. This friend of mine kept complaining to us that after he slept with a woman he couldn’t get rid of her. As you can guess our sympathies were a little low to his “plight”--smile. It is good to know he finally settled down with a nice girl and is happily married with three kids and is a devoted father.

Back to you. Confidence, confidence, confidence. I can’t say this strongly enough. Most women are trusting us with their future and their happiness. They trust us with their innermost secrets and feelings. You need to display the physical and moral strength to be there for them in the hard times. This was difficult for me when I was younger. I had a birth defect that affected my coordination. You would not suspect I ever had anything wrong with me now but that is because I have had to work three times as hard as my brothers for over 40 years. Why am I telling you this… It is not easy for any of us and each of us has something in our past we must overcome.

Please follow the sound advice you have seen above and step out with confidence even if you do not have it inside you. If you must then, “fake it till you make it”. For me it was my former wife. She trusted me and let me lead our family. In cherishing her I became the strong man that writes you today. This takes time and I hope you find your soul mate that helps you see the man God created you to be… God doesn’t make junk so get out there and confidently put your best foot forward.

IMHO

BTW send a friend request if any of this is what you’re looking for. We all need to stick together and I have been down this road already.
YFR
 
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