Desperate or a savvy dater?


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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  October 10,2010, 9:50am
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In reading many responses, people are often advised not to appear 'Desperate.' This seems to be the catchall for everything. This advice applies to the length of time before returning a phone call, or e mail, taking the initiative to reach out to someone, or even patching up a misunderstanding.

My definition of desperate is a person who is so anxious to be in a relationship they continue to ignore the signs the other person is not interested.

Desperate is not someone who responds to an e mail in 24 hours or a phone call. Nor would I label someone desperate because they have the good manners to say "thank you," within a respectable 24 hrs after a date, or if they took the initiative to ask someone out.

What's your definition of desperate?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  October 10,2010, 10:08am
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I agree with you.

To me, "desperate" is a person is who making an unhealthy or unwise choice, due to overweighting the desire to have anyone in their life.

It presents a risk to the desperate person, in that they are vulnerable to mistreatment; and it presents a risk to their partner, who is vulnerable to being dumped once they find a better choice.
 
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socalgal55 is offline socalgal55 Post #3  October 10,2010, 10:12am
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Alli824 wrote :
In reading many responses, people are often advised not to appear 'Desperate.' This seems to be the catchall for everything. This advice applies to the length of time before returning a phone call, or e mail, taking the initiative to reach out to someone, or even patching up a misunderstanding.

My definition of desperate is a person who is so anxious to be in a relationship they continue to ignore the signs the other person is not interested.

Desperate is not someone who responds to an e mail in 24 hours or a phone call. Nor would I label someone desperate because they have the good manners to say "thank you," within a respectable 24 hrs after a date, or if they took the initiative to ask someone out.

What's your definition of desperate?
I agree, the only thing I would add is a desperate person tends to ignore red flag issues. They are so desperate to be in a relationship that everything they've learned along the way gets thrown out the window.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #4  October 10,2010, 10:12am
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Yep..I also agree with your posts....I like the excitement, the flirting, the sharing that I am looking forward to seeing them again feeling while enjoying my own life with my family/friends and doing things on my own....

This always keep me grounded...I can have all the butterflies in the world...but love to take in and savor the 'day at a time' with a guy...
no rushing...no pressure...no having to figure it all out....that all usually equals "desperate" coming from someone...
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #5  October 10,2010, 10:13am
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socalgal55 wrote :
I agree, the only thing I would add is a desperate person tends to ignore red flag issues. They are so desperate to be in a relationship that everything they've learned along the way gets thrown out the window.

YEP!!!!!
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #6  October 10,2010, 10:34am
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I'd agree with what's been said so far.

It seems a lot of people like to throw out the desperate thing because they get caught up in all of these silly rules.

Making a phone call or writing an email or whatever is not desperate. Multiple calls or emails get in that direction, but frankly, so does a "why haven't you contacted me?" single call/email.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #7  October 10,2010, 10:59am
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I completely agree.
There is way too much how to it "play cool" or "hard to get" nonsense dating advice out there.

Every relationship guru has some dopey book out with the same rubbish: don't call her for 3 days rule this, don't call him back that

It makes dating into a silly game, rather than 2 civilized polite people acting like themselves.

And agree with other posts on definition of "desperate": Extreme lowering of standards. Becoming obsessed, Fatal Attraction style.

Alli824 wrote :
My definition of desperate is a person who is so anxious to be in a relationship they continue to ignore the signs the other person is not interested.

Desperate is not someone who responds to an e mail in 24 hours or a phone call. Nor would I label someone desperate because they have the good manners to say "thank you," within a respectable 24 hrs after a date, or if they took the initiative to ask someone out.

What's your definition of desperate?
 
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Mythical is offline Mythical Post #8  October 10,2010, 1:09pm
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I saw some advice saying that evening during GC (guided communication) you should wait a day to reply. Makes you look busy. I 'get' that, but so many of us are on the computer for a bulk of the day, I don't think people think it's odd to send GC notes back and forth through the day... even finishing all steps in one day. Obviously, it slows down with OC.

But I agree that the key is to just enjoy the process and not push it beyond what it is.

A profile is a profile. A sheet of info about a stranger. Don't treat it like a date.
A date is a date. A time to enjoy getting to know someone new. Don't treat it like a relationship.
A relationship is a relationship. ... you get the idea.

You appear desparate when you push a stop beyond what it is. Sometimes the 'rules' help us keep all that in check, though.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  October 11,2010, 6:10am
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[quote=Mythical;1141888

You appear desparate when you push a stop beyond what it is. Sometimes the 'rules' help us keep all that in check, though.[/quote]


In my opinion there should be no rules. Commonsense, the connection you've established, and your intuition should guide the interaction. Frankly if I went out with someone who took three days to get back to me, I would assume that he is either juggling a number of us or just not interested. The passage of time doesn't make him more intriguing, but less appealing. I lose interest quickly and I lose respect.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  October 11,2010, 6:42am
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Alli824 wrote :
In my opinion there should be no rules. Commonsense, the connection you've established, and your intuition should guide the interaction. Frankly if I went out with someone who took three days to get back to me, I would assume that he is either juggling a number of us or just not interested. The passage of time doesn't make him more intriguing, but less appealing. I lose interest quickly and I lose respect.
So you'd be thrilled if you date from last night called you ten times by 10am this morning because he is just sooo excited and following his gut that you like him too so it's ok? Or would you think he lacks basic social boundaries and is a bit much? Sure, some people out there have a great grasp of what to do and what not to do and behave accordingly, but many people out there do need some guidance and rules. Our whole society is guided by rules and laws for a reason.

To answer your original question, a desperate dater to me is someone who can't stand on his own two feet or feels incomplete without another warm body in his life regardless of whether that warm body is good or bad. That usually manifests itself in needy clingy behavior. The advice and rules given are often there to prevent someone who is maybe too excited and eager from being confused with someone who is just plain desperate. One is fine and will cool off with time, the other one is just a problem to be avoided. The ultimate problem is that we all are guilty of knee jerk reactions when judging a stranger. The rules can, on occasion, prevent that knee jerk.
 
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