interesting conversation with my favorite date


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
scully98 is offline scully98 Post #1  October 10,2010, 6:09am
scully98's Avatar

like a cowgirl!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2010

Posts: 3,063

See profile

On Friday night I had an interesting conversation with the new guy. As a backstory, we started communicating online a month ago, and went out for the first time two weeks ago. We had two dates, and things moved fast once we realized we had a good friend in common and we felt immensely more comfortable with each other, and so our second date ended up being a 16-hr sleepover date. It felt totally natural and fun and was lovely.

Our next date is tomorrow night.

On Friday night, I was chilling out at home and he had his three sons with him, so he called me and we talked for an hour. He said he'd been to see his therapist the night before for one of his bi-monthly visits (he started going for marriage therapy and then, when that didn't work for his marriage, he kept going to deal with the stresses of a divorce, etc.) Anyway, he had told his therapist about how much he likes me, but that he feels scared since he's only been divorced three months and I'm the first woman he's dated since his divorce. He said he had felt himself pulling away a little because it had felt like we had moved really fast and he thought I might be looking for marriage and something really serious right now. So he talked to his therapist for advice and his therapist told him to talk to me and tell me what he'd told him.

So he did, and I'm very glad he did. He said that he really, really likes me and felt such a strong connection with me on both of our dates and that he hadn't expected to meet someone he likes as much as me so fast after becoming single. He said I'm 99% of what he's looking for in a woman, and that when we're together, he has so much fun and even if we hadn't had sex the other night, it would have still been one of the best dates of his life.

He said that he doesn't want to say we're exclusive, though. I said, "well, since we are sleeping together now, if you want to date and sleep with other women, I can honestly say that I don't want to date you anymore. I can't handle sleeping with you one night, and you being out with someone else the next night." He said that wasn't what he wanted at all, that he has no interest in dating anyone else, that there is no one else he's wanting to date, and that he'd never sleep with anyone else while we're having an intimate relationship.

So I guess putting the label of exclusive feels scary to him, but the gist of it is still a degree of exclusivity. I say degree because he also said he wouldn't tell me not to date other men because he knows I have a lot of opportunities from men and he wants me to have the best, and he's not sure if he is the best for me since he doesn't know if he will ever want to get married again. However, I have no plans to date any other men now that I'm so interested in this guy.

Then he said that while he feels scared right now, because he likes me so much, he would like to see our relationship develop and grow and turn into something more serious. He pointed out that, for instance, he doesn't know if he'll ever be ready to get married again. I said that, frankly, I didn't know if I'd ever be ready to get married again, either. He said that he had felt that he wouldn't ever want to get married again before, however, and then he ended up falling for his ex, so he did say that he knows things change.

I asked him, point blank, if he thought we'd had sex too soon, and if that was one of the problems. He said no, absolutely not, that everything progressed at a completely natural pace for us and he wouldn't change a thing about it. I even went so far as to mention that a few "friends" (didn't say it was people online on a dating advice board, LOL!) had suggested that by sleeping with him so fast, that he probably respected me less than he would have otherwise, and that he probably assumed I was out there sleeping with other guys willy-nilly on our first few dates. He said that was absolutely not the case, that he couldn't possibly respect me more. And that he doesn't care what my sexual history is, because sex is a normal, natural part of life and having it or not having it doesn't make someone good or bad or otherwise.

After our conversation, he said he felt so much better and that everything felt, to him, just like it had before he'd gotten scared and that he was looking so forward to seeing me again on Monday night.

Any thoughts on this situation? I don't want to devote months of time to dating someone who is never going to want to be exclusive, but I feel that with what he's said, and been willing to open up and express, that he's worth the trouble of dating and waiting to see what develops. He's really a sincere, honest guy and if he had felt otherwise about things, he would have told me that, too. I now feel like I can ask him anything and talk to him about anything and it'll be okay, no matter what the answer.
Last edited by scully98; October 10,2010 at 6:12am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #2  October 10,2010, 6:21am
Dafearon's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Maryland

Posts: 2,181

See profile

I think you had sex a little early whether or not both of you admit it or not.

Why? Because you are now at a confusing crossroad because of sex. Despite how you feel about your date, sex is what is making you "exclusive". If sex wasn't in the picture, you two would not be exclusive. Because of this confusion, throwing sex into the fray makes it complex.

How to handle it this? First step, know what you want from this man. If you don't know what you want, and he doesn't know what he wants, this relationship is going spiral out of control. Second, communicate, which you are doing. It sounds like he does eventually want to be in a relationship with you, but sex rushed things in his head, and he's not ready.
 
  Reply With Quote
Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  October 10,2010, 6:36am
Alli824's Avatar

thinks common sense is a gift and intelligence something one is gifted with!

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Nov 2007

Fort Lauderdale

Posts: 1,262

See profile

I don't think sex is the issue here at all. I think you are dating a man who may have some reservations about being exclusive, even if he says he's okay with it. Also there are several men that you have found interesting and liked. You should ask yourself whether you want to be exclusive with him? He does come with 3 sons and you have a daughter (I think) that's four kids. Are you ready to take on that big a challenge? Seems like there might be easier people to date. This is a man still in therapy, and although I applaud him for it, clearly he still has issues he needs to work out. Not being Debbie Downer, I think you're great, but realistically he doesn't sound like he's quite got a handle around his emotions yet.
Last edited by Alli824; October 10,2010 at 9:22am.
 
  Reply With Quote
truth32 is offline truth32 Post #4  October 10,2010, 7:31am
truth32's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2010

Posts: 208

See profile

I kind of agree with Dafearon. This conversation wouldn't have happened had you not had sex yet. You wouldn't have an issue with him stating he doesn't want to be exclusive if you hadn't had sex.

Why doesn't he want to be exclusive? It may be because there is someone else out there (in his mind) but you're the best "so far", and plus, you're having sex. Whether he is fully conscious of this or not ,that's probably what's going on. You have to decide if you want to get into a relationship with someone that you're having conversations and confusion like this with after only 2 dates-even though you connected so well- there are others (not all, but a few) who you will connect with, too. If you stay longer, it could end up being wonderful and everything works out, or, it could end up that these conversations continue to drag on, and he can never end up really committing to you, so you keep compromising for months, until you have had enough...

both situations are possible. only you know the situation well enough to figure out which scenario is more probable.
 
  Reply With Quote
nophotos is offline nophotos Post #5  October 10,2010, 8:26am
nophotos's Avatar

is enjoying life

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2010

San Francisco

Posts: 269

See profile

scully98 wrote :

He said that he doesn't want to say we're exclusive, though.

However, I have no plans to date any other men now that I'm so interested in this guy.
These two points are not compatible. Unless you stated aloud your plans to him, it's a recipe for resentment.

People always tell me who they are; it's my responsibility to listen.
 
  Reply With Quote
Mythical is offline Mythical Post #6  October 10,2010, 8:54am
Mythical's Avatar

wonders abound

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2010

Posts: 209

See profile

Recently divorced myself I can somewhat understand what he is thinking.

It takes a while after a relationship for a guy to rebuild his castle, make sense with the world, etc. and he has to do it on his own with no outside influences, or it will be like a house of cards and fall down at the slightest breeze.

His unwillingness to be in an exclusive relationship is probably because he's enjoying building his castle again... He surely enjoys you, too. But he needs to build it for himself and finish it before he can truly invite you in.

I don't know if you can just stand on the sidelines and wait for him to build... he might feel the pressure.

Hope that makes sense and helps a little.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  October 10,2010, 9:23am
Wonderwoman40…'s Avatar

L'Chayim!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Omaha, NE

Posts: 4,495

See profile

This is why I shy away from dating separated or recently divorced guys.

It is encouraging that you two have a very open line of communication, and it sounds like you're on the same page. But even then, it is entirely possible that some of the things he told you are because he thinks it's what you want to hear rather than what he feels deep down. He's not necessarily lying, he's just not consciously aware of these feelings yet. He may very well want to "sow some oats" before settling down with a long-term relationship. It's just that right now, at this moment, he really likes you and wants to continue "sowing" with you... at least for now. In another month or two, he may realize he's fallen into an "exclusive" relationship by default and may get scared and wierded out again.

I hesitate to use the "rebound" word, because I know of many people who found the love of their lives shortly after ending another relationship, but he may decide after a while that he's "not ready for a relationship" and break up with you.

Of course, these fears can come up in any relationship no matter the length of time since a divorce or major break up (guy I dated last summer had been divorced 3 years and told me "this still feels like cheating"... he clearly wasn't ready!)

Since things are going well right now and you both seem to be on the same page about not wanting to get married and not sure if you EVER want to get married again... I would just enjoy this relationship for however long it lasts. That could be a few more weeks, or it could be a lifetime.
 
  Reply With Quote
Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #8  October 10,2010, 9:46am
Ingytravel's Avatar

Naps are one of life's great joys:)

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 8,164

See profile

Hmm....after only 2 dates...being intimate, and having a conversation of exclusivity...can put so much pressure..not just on the guy..but on anyone...You have just jumped so far ahead on the relationship scale..

You have effectively 'cornered' him into being exclusive on your end by saying that you won't sleep with more than one guy at a time...I don't know of a guy who would say.."but hey...I want to sleep around if I get the chance with another girl that comes along"...of course they will say that they don't do this either...

But he is clearly stating he does NOT want to be exclusive right now with his words...and actually stating that he is stressed enough about this to talk to his therapist about it...

I truly am not judging at all...I am just stating that he is only 3 months out of his divorce...has his children to help navigate this devastating (for them that's for sure) time in their life...

To be honest...you can't on one hand be saying.."I just want to be casual..no pressure...just have fun" type of gal...and then tell him that you will leave immediately if he wants to sleep with someone else...Again..I feel this forces him, if he is interested in you...to say things that you want to hear...

I agree with WW above...this could come crashing down within the next few months since he went from married...divorced a few months...to now in a serious relationship..

This is the main reason we wrote so much on your last post to you about going slow...You are not just having 'sex' for the sake of sex like you said on a previous post....that would mean you could care less that you are exclusive..that this is just for fun....no attachments....Not saying you should do one or the other..or judging in anyway what you want to do with your body...that's not my place...

I truly wish the best for you for..but I fear that you have jumped right in again to another relationship with a guy you have just met...and I unfortunately can see heartbreak down the road...I hope I am wrong....
Last edited by Ingytravel; October 10,2010 at 10:07am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  October 10,2010, 9:48am
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,080

See profile

You're taking some risks with this relationship, Scully. He is risky: He's newly divorced and not over it yet (it's influencing his feelings and behavior towards you). He's confused about exclusivity and what he wants longterm.

Also, you are risky: From this and other threads, I think you have some confusion about what sex means to you. On the one hand, you get very involved emotionally with someone you've had sex with. On the other hand, you behave as if sex does not create bonds for you: you get sexually intimate with someone with whom you have not talked about where the relationship is going, etc. That's a bit of a disconnect, in you. And it creates the risk of getting bonded to someone who is not on the same page with you, relationally, and eventually having to break up because of that.

So, risky: both you and him. Are you ok with the risk? of getting a big heartache down the road? Is there anything you can do to mitigate the risk?

(One thing about free and open communication: sometimes it's easy because it's not actually going all that deep. You've only known the guy for a short time. Almost no one shares their deepest self quickly. Many people do not have access to their deepest selves, even after time spent building trust. What you are hearing from him may be kind of superficial. Not that he's lying, or being deceptive, or anything like that -- just, it takes awhile for 2 people to get to a level of deeper vulnerability and emotional intimacy.)
 
  Reply With Quote
chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #10  October 10,2010, 9:50am
chawks64's Avatar

is keeping warm with her Honey.

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Southern Nevada

Posts: 6,735

See profile

It sounds like you two communicate well, and that's a good thing. My only concern is not the sex, it's that it's getting very emotional very quickly. That kind of emotion coming so soon after a relationship has ended is something to watch.keep an eye on.

I hope this turns into something good, and it very well could. But I'm with Wonderwoman. This is exactly why I swore off separated or newly-divorced men.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« The "I just got out of a bad relationship" deflector | Dating | 5 Reasons Not to Stop »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
First Date un-jitters. I want the nervousness back! SteveVance Ask a Dating Expert 24 September 30,2010 10:22pm
2nd Date Jitters Timmer2 Dating 13 December 19,2009 1:45pm
First date conversation questions? 1passionatefem Dating 33 December 15,2009 1:01pm
Favorite Fall date ideas eHA_Admin_Lori Dating 20 October 5,2009 5:24pm
YO, NEW YORKERS! Tell us your favorite date spots in NYC area eH_Advice_Admin_Lori Dating 6 July 15,2009 9:21am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:35am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0