Double Date, too soon?


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lynseylove is offline lynseylove Post #1  October 9,2010, 12:44pm
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I've been talking to this guy I met through eharmony for a while now. Emailed back and forth for about a month, spoke on the phone everyday for a week and a half and we met in person, then had a real date. Tonight was our second date and he decided it was time for me to meet his friends. I was excited! It meant he was ready to show me off.
Well, I loved his friend. He was funny, he asked me stuff, and tried to make me feel included- even though I felt dreadfully left out. The guy I'm dating, his friend, and his friends wife have known each other a long time. They have loads of inside jokes and I felt uncomfortable from the moment the other two walked in. His friends wife kept eyeing me down and when she did speak to me it was rude, short, or offensive.
We had gone to dinner at Hooters and there was a football game on, I made sure that I sat where I could see a TV since I had a feeling I was going to feel like a fourth wheel... she noticed I was watching the football game and asked if I was into football, I said, "Yes, I'm a huge football fan." and she asked who my team was, "The Saints, by far." I responded. To which she said, "Oh. I'm sorry. They suck. I'm so over hearing 'Who Dat' that's so stupid, I don't care if they won the superbowl, it was rigged they didn't deserve it."
I'm sure this doesn't sound like much to anyone, it is too me. See, I'm HIGHLY passionate about the Saints- I even have a tattoo honoring them, the city of New Orleans, and their winning of the Superbowl...and to put it nicely it took everything I had not to reach across the table and punch her. Instead, I just smiled and said, "Everyone is entitled to their own opinion."
Mind you, we were in New Orleans. They all live there. The guy I'm seeing and his friend are in the military so I don't expect any one of them to be Pro-Saints, but that was just rude. And now, I don't know what to say when the guy I'm seeing asks if I liked them. If I say that I had fun with them, I'll have to see her more, and if I say I don't like them- it may lead to me not being about to spend time with him anymore. What do I do?
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #2  October 9,2010, 1:44pm
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For this double date....

this was a bad idea because of the reasons you said you dont know the inside jokes and past and you only had one date with him so you are still learning about him.

I would hold off on meeting friends for a few dates before learning about each other and not feel like you are getting checked out.

The saints thing isnt a big deal. Its not rude its just opinion and when you move to a different city you will find that people are fans of their home town teams..just like you will be of the saints.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #3  October 9,2010, 1:44pm
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I wouldn't lie and say she was nice, but I also wouldn't bring up anything negative (there's just no way to do it that wouldn't also make you look bad). I would be tempted to say his friend was very nice, the wife was...inscrutable? or you didn't get a good read on her. That's just kind of non-committal. Since you don't know her, you don't know if she was having a bad night, really hates going to Hooters but got talked into going b/c her husband and your date arranged it, whatever - and since you weren't the person she was going home with or his friend, you got the brunt of her attitude.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #4  October 9,2010, 2:15pm
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Yes, double dating on the second date was too soon. But, hey, you live and you learn.

It is unfortunate that your date's friend's wife was rude. I guess she is used to getting all of the attention from the men(your date and her husband) and you was jane come lately cramping her style. Some women are like that which is very unfortunate.

I think if your date asks you how you felt about his friends, then tell him the truth. Tell him that you thought is friend was cool, but his wife was rude and you prefer not to hang out with her anymore.

Also, try to hang out with your date one on one for now. See if the both of you are clicking first and maybe later on agree to hang out with his friends(except the wife).

B.Y.

P.S. I like the Saints. But, I wish M. Colston will step it up and get in the endzone.(I have him on a few of my fantasy football teams.) lol Oh, I got D. Brees and L. Moore, J. Shockey and the old man kicker on my teams as well. lol
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #5  October 9,2010, 2:23pm
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Well the wife is someone that I would certainly call rude, that's for sure...When you are first meeting a person..especially your good friend's date...most people would try very hard to make them feel as included and as comfortable as possible..and if that person shared that their favorite team was someone I didn't care for...I would save the 'teasing' for later on when I knew them, which I would do since I love the Patriots...but I'll give a Who Dat to the Saints!

The only other possible thing is that if you are a flirty person..which I can tend to be..maybe she was a little jealous of how nice/sweet her husband was being towards you...Did you try to really ask her some questions and get to know her as well? Not that you did anything wrong..just curious...

Or..she could have just been having a really bad day...

I don't think I would say anything to your guy though...just vent here...I would just let it go...If you end up seriously dating this man and you end up spending a lot of time with the couple..then hopefully you can make peace and it will all work out in the end...
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #6  October 9,2010, 3:34pm
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Agree with what is stated below. Whatever the reason she was weird and you didn't hit it off, keep in mind that they have been friends for awhile.

The guy is his close friend, and that is his wife. You have been on two dates with him. Any seemingly divisive comments may jeopardize his feelings for someone he knows a couple of hours.

I will disagree with some posts here and say be diplomatic and gracious. He probably heard from his friend that the wife can't stand you. Take the higher road here and avoid the cat-fight, very unattractive.

lunabeach wrote :
I wouldn't lie and say she was nice, but I also wouldn't bring up anything negative (there's just no way to do it that wouldn't also make you look bad). I would be tempted to say his friend was very nice, the wife was...inscrutable? or you didn't get a good read on her. That's just kind of non-committal. Since you don't know her, you don't know if she was having a bad night, really hates going to Hooters but got talked into going b/c her husband and your date arranged it, whatever - and since you weren't the person she was going home with or his friend, you got the brunt of her attitude.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #7  October 9,2010, 3:53pm
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Absolutely do not say you thought the woman was rude. That would make life really uncomfortable for your date.

If he asks if you had a good time, say something non-committal like "I feel as though I know you a little better now because I have met your friends. I like getting to know you better."
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  October 9,2010, 7:00pm
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lynseylove wrote :
I've been talking to this guy I met through eHarmony for a while now. Emailed back and forth for about a month, spoke on the phone everyday for a week and a half and we met in person, then had a real date. Tonight was our second date and he decided it was time for me to meet his friends. I was excited! It meant he was ready to show me off.
Well, I loved his friend. He was funny, he asked me stuff, and tried to make me feel included- even though I felt dreadfully left out. The guy I'm dating, his friend, and his friends wife have known each other a long time. They have loads of inside jokes and I felt uncomfortable from the moment the other two walked in. His friends wife kept eyeing me down and when she did speak to me it was rude, short, or offensive.
We had gone to dinner at Hooters and there was a football game on, I made sure that I sat where I could see a TV since I had a feeling I was going to feel like a fourth wheel... she noticed I was watching the football game and asked if I was into football, I said, "Yes, I'm a huge football fan." and she asked who my team was, "The Saints, by far." I responded. To which she said, "Oh. I'm sorry. They suck. I'm so over hearing 'Who Dat' that's so stupid, I don't care if they won the superbowl, it was rigged they didn't deserve it."
I'm sure this doesn't sound like much to anyone, it is too me. See, I'm HIGHLY passionate about the Saints- I even have a tattoo honoring them, the city of New Orleans, and their winning of the Superbowl...and to put it nicely it took everything I had not to reach across the table and punch her. Instead, I just smiled and said, "Everyone is entitled to their own opinion."
Mind you, we were in New Orleans. They all live there. The guy I'm seeing and his friend are in the military so I don't expect any one of them to be Pro-Saints, but that was just rude. And now, I don't know what to say when the guy I'm seeing asks if I liked them. If I say that I had fun with them, I'll have to see her more, and if I say I don't like them- it may lead to me not being about to spend time with him anymore. What do I do?
This is a major clue. These are his friends and have known them a long time. If your match / date have long time friends who are rude then he at least finds this behavior acceptable and more than likely will exhibit rude behavior himself.

Personally I would consider introducing your match / date to friends or family on the second date just way too soon. Maybe after dating regularly for 2 or 3 months. I would not even mention a match / date to my friends (I have no family left) having only gone on a first date.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  October 9,2010, 7:02pm
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annother wrote :
Absolutely do not say you thought the woman was rude. That would make life really uncomfortable for your date.

If he asks if you had a good time, say something non-committal like "I feel as though I know you a little better now because I have met your friends. I like getting to know you better."
Honesty is always the best policy. I would say that "I felt a bit out of place with your friends". Of course I am socially inept.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #10  October 10,2010, 5:46am
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lynseylove wrote :
I've been talking to this guy I met through eharmony for a while now. Emailed back and forth for about a month, spoke on the phone everyday for a week and a half and we met in person, then had a real date. Tonight was our second date and he decided it was time for me to meet his friends. I was excited! It meant he was ready to show me off.
Well, I loved his friend. He was funny, he asked me stuff, and tried to make me feel included- even though I felt dreadfully left out. The guy I'm dating, his friend, and his friends wife have known each other a long time. They have loads of inside jokes and I felt uncomfortable from the moment the other two walked in. His friends wife kept eyeing me down and when she did speak to me it was rude, short, or offensive.
We had gone to dinner at Hooters and there was a football game on, I made sure that I sat where I could see a TV since I had a feeling I was going to feel like a fourth wheel... she noticed I was watching the football game and asked if I was into football, I said, "Yes, I'm a huge football fan." and she asked who my team was, "The Saints, by far." I responded. To which she said, "Oh. I'm sorry. They suck. I'm so over hearing 'Who Dat' that's so stupid, I don't care if they won the superbowl, it was rigged they didn't deserve it."
I'm sure this doesn't sound like much to anyone, it is too me. See, I'm HIGHLY passionate about the Saints- I even have a tattoo honoring them, the city of New Orleans, and their winning of the Superbowl...and to put it nicely it took everything I had not to reach across the table and punch her. Instead, I just smiled and said, "Everyone is entitled to their own opinion."
Mind you, we were in New Orleans. They all live there. The guy I'm seeing and his friend are in the military so I don't expect any one of them to be Pro-Saints, but that was just rude. And now, I don't know what to say when the guy I'm seeing asks if I liked them. If I say that I had fun with them, I'll have to see her more, and if I say I don't like them- it may lead to me not being about to spend time with him anymore. What do I do?
Dear LynseyLove,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting.

Well, one thing is that the men being military, each will be moving to a new tour of duty within three years (that's the usual rotation cycle though it can be two or even a year depending).

I wonder where the friend is in his cycle and how long he has left in New Orleans? You'll have to casually ask your friend sometime when there's an opening and it's appropriate.

All this could be quite good news for you as, depending on how much time they have left in New Orleans, you may not be seeing the wife that much.

As difficult as it may be, do take the high road. Your guy will like you even more for it - even if he doesn't know. If you marry him one day well down the road, you can always clue him in then. That's doesn't mean you have to continue double-dating with them though.

Tell him that since you and he are so new to each other, you're able to get to know him better when you're one-on-one with each other and you'd prefer that though know there'll be times when you'll be with friends of your's and other friends of his.

Make sure to give him time to be with his friend so he doesn't feel like he has to choose you over his bestfriend at this stage.

He must like you quite a bit to introduce you to his best friend. Keep in mind though that getting to know a person is best done slowly, over time. Do not rush.

There's many things you will need to learn about each other that cannot be hurried such as how each of you are when you're angry, had a bad day, moody, bounced a check, got a traffic ticket, got yelled at by the boss, and on and on.

Be advised, too, that the military is (like) a community and there's a lot of closeness there. They train together, eat together, work together, work-out together, and socialize together.

Also, the miliary has lots of functions such as Admiral's balls, leisure events and activities, etc., and he may be wanting to invite you to some of these things so be prepared. You will need to be able to get along with a variety of people at all levels.

That's yet another reason to take the high road and be non-committal about the woman.

Did this guy you were on a date with notice the cattiness of his friend's wife or is he just so used to her he doesn't even notice anymore?

Did he say anything when the friend's wife made a rude remark about your comment about the NFL Saints?

Just say as little as possible about his friends and re-direct the conversation - though not in an obvious way. Humor can go a long way too when a person is put on the spot.

You could also say something like, "I appreciate how your good friend tried to include me and make me feel comfortable. How long have you known him?" and go off on that tangent without commenting on the wife at all.

Hopefully, this other couple is more toward the end of their duty assignment in New Orleans.

Remember not to say anything you wish you could take back in the heat of the moment.

You did very well considering the difficult circumstances and give yourself a pat on the back for that as many people would not have maintained their "cool" as you did. Congratulations.

Write and let us know how it goes for you.

JavaJava5

P. S. I like the Saints too! "Who Dat Say Dey Gonna Beat Dem Saints?" Winning the Superbowl was a really big deal for the Saints as it was the first in their 42-year franchise history. The city rejoiced with a Saints' parade and everything during the Mardi Gras season!

People used to say about the Saints, "Hell will freeze over and pigs fly before the Saints ever make it to the Super Bowl." Well, the Saints made it and neither happened!

Buddy Diliberto, a N'Awlins sports broadcaster used to say before he passed away in 2005 that, "He'd walk down Bourbon Street in a dress when the Saints made the Super Bowl." Let's think happier thoughts of Buddy D. doing just that!

Wasn't that interesting that Kicker Garret Hartley field goal sent the Saints to the Super Bowl but yet was heartbreaking in the Saints' game with the Falcons?

Forgive the lady her rudeness. She knows not of what she speaks.
Last edited by javajava5; October 10,2010 at 5:53am.
 
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