How long do you give it to see if chemistry develops...


Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  October 7,2010, 11:17am
boschimsp's Avatar

Starting to acknowledge that my single life is actually fantastic.

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 2,116

See profile

I was in a relationship for four years and now that I am single again I feel like I'm having to relearn how to date so to speak. One of the things I'm trying to figure out is how many dates I should give it with someone to determine if there is any chemistry.

Historically I've been a patient person. The person I was with for four years, for example was someone I wasn't sure of on the first date but then after the 3rd something switched and the romantic connection began to form. This was something I was perfectly comfortable with.

Then after he and I parted ways I briefly dated someone where it was the exact opposite - an instant connection and chemistry from the start, so much so while I adored it at the time, I have since realized that it was not a good thing and distracted both of us from the fact that long term we didn't want the same things. I honestly had never felt that way before and it's since thrown me through a loop.

Now I find myself a little unsure of what my new standard should be. I know there are no hard and fast rules and always follow my gut. If I know for certain that I am not interested in someone I absolutely cut it off after one, but it's harder when there is that gray area. Usually it plays out as a consistent scenario - we hit it off and get along well, but I'm unsure if there is a potential for a deeper connection or chemistry. And while I never assume how someone else feels, it usually seems to also be the scenario that they have a greater degree of certainty than I do.

What do others generally do in this position? My approach, as I've said above, is to generally go with my gut and take things as they come, but I'm not sure how to balance that line of not writing someone off but also not letting something drag on (and potentially hurting the other person in the situations where it feels a little unequal).
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  October 7,2010, 11:57am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

When it comes to that gray area, I'll give it however long it takes me to figure out that either it's a definite no go, or something is changing for the better - typically anything between 2-4 dates.

The honest truth, however is that I've never had a gray area one turn into something, so I guess it's more like making sure I can sleep well at night knowing I gave it an honest shot before letting it go.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #3  October 7,2010, 12:28pm
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,301

See profile

Chemistry and connection are situational and fluid, not the "it clicks or it doesn't" or "compatible or not". So the gray area is more often than not.

Someone might seem like an instant "click" when there's been a dry spell, for example. That same person may be just "OK", if other hot options abound.

As far as compatibility, "what was I thinking?" can happen after the newness wears off .

Someone can also become significantly more attractive, as things evolve and you see them in many phases.

boschimsp wrote :

If I know for certain that I am not interested in someone I absolutely cut it off after one, but it's harder when there is that gray area.

unsure if there is a potential for a deeper connection or chemistry.
.
 
  Reply With Quote
BlueEyedLizzie is offline BlueEyedLizzie Post #4  October 7,2010, 12:37pm
BlueEyedLizzi…'s Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2008

Posts: 1,040

See profile

A couple of dates. Unless I'm just sure of a no, I give a maybe about 3 times to turn into a yes.
 
  Reply With Quote
hippychick34 is offline hippychick34 Post #5  October 7,2010, 12:58pm
hippychick34's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2010

NJ

Posts: 5

See profile

I usually base it on how excited I am to get together with that person. That being said, that is when I meet someone face to face. I am new to online dating and thus far I'm not excited about the prospects which has me worried.

I would say 3 dates if I'm so-so about someone. One on-line date I went on had zero chemistry and I never went out with him again. I find that if I can't imagine ever setting my lips to his, it's time to bail.

I like to date but this cyber world is so very new and I am extremely uncomfortable with it.

I wish you luck with your future prospects. They say "you know" when you meet the right guy. However, I'm still waiting.

Jen
 
  Reply With Quote
Mythical is offline Mythical Post #6  October 7,2010, 1:13pm
Mythical's Avatar

wonders abound

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2010

Posts: 209

See profile

As everyone has said so far, I think I read that eHarmony's founder also suggests 'chemistry' by around the third date.

Gotta love that instant click, though. Everything just seems right from the beginning. If i have to work at 'chemistry' it just doesn't seem worth it.
 
  Reply With Quote
Mythical is offline Mythical Post #7  October 7,2010, 1:13pm
Mythical's Avatar

wonders abound

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2010

Posts: 209

See profile

As everyone has said so far, I think I read that eHarmony's founder also suggests 'chemistry' by around the third date.

Gotta love that instant click, though. Everything just seems right from the beginning. If i have to work at 'chemistry' it just doesn't seem worth it.
 
  Reply With Quote
Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #8  October 7,2010, 1:25pm
Raw_Truth's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 1,496

See profile

As I guy, I know within five seconds if I feel chemistry. May not last and we may be horrible for each other but I need virtually zero time to make the initial call.
 
  Reply With Quote
boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  October 7,2010, 1:50pm
boschimsp's Avatar

Starting to acknowledge that my single life is actually fantastic.

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 2,116

See profile

It's so interesting to hear everyone's points of view.

Dancing Fool - It's interesting because my experience has been the exact opposite. The gray areas have often turned into the most fruitful relationships where unfortunately, the instant chemistry has never panned out.

Wiseman2 - I fully agree. Context can 100% make the difference.

BlueeyedLizzy - I agree. 3 is usually my comfort range.

HippyChick - I 100% agree with everything you've said. I think also what I'm experiencing is the interesting contrast between people I date who I meet offline and people I date who I meet online. With the former usually the chemistry is there and it becomes the question of whether there are enough common goals and desires to sustain a relationship and with online dating it is exactly the opposite.

I am a hopeless romantic and I'd love to believe that the "you just know" is true, but I sometimes wonder if it's revisionist history. I thought that about someone and clearly I am single. :-) Conversely, I've known people who during the relationship expressed doubts and then suddenly when there was a ring were convinced they always knew he was the one. I'm sure there are a lot of people who truly felt this way, but not sure if it is universal.

Mythical - I agree. I absolutely agree. I think that's part of my problem. While I generally enjoy myself on these dates if the chemistry isn't there it definitely feels like there is a greater degree of work which kind of detracts from the fun I'm supposed to be having. And generally I find myself really enjoying the situations where there is instant chemistry even though it generally doesn't pan out in the end.
 
  Reply With Quote
PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #10  October 7,2010, 4:07pm

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 6,908

See profile

Based on my experience, sometimes it takes about 1.7 second (or however fast they can close before reading your profile )
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« The Top 10 Guide to Dating in San Antonio | Dating | 6 worst things to say to a guy - agree? What about to a woman? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
How long does it take until you feel chemistry and develop emotional attachment? windsurfing Ask a Dating Expert 39 August 26,2010 10:13pm
Why do women make such a big deal about chemistry? myusernamehere Ask a Dating Expert 27 August 15,2010 11:56pm
how long to wait before sharing identity? how long before first meeting? readytodate Dating 14 April 28,2010 7:27pm
Can chemistry develop over time? 9lives Ask a Dating Expert 11 February 14,2010 1:53pm
What do you guys think of long distance meet-ups on eharmony sony12 Using eHarmony 12 January 9,2010 9:55am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:28am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0