Top Ten Things You Learn Doing Online Dating…


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unhitchedinnyc is offline unhitchedinnyc Post #1  October 6,2010, 1:01pm
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Hi Everyone,

I joined eharmony and a competitor site in late July/early August and jumped into the online dating. A few weeks later, I tap'd out of the online dating world to take a break (turned off matches/stopped logging in/etc). Regardless, my dating life has moved on and I'm having fun. While speaking with friends/coworkers, they kept telling me I needed a blog to share my thoughts and stories. So I decided to start one and I am putting up one of my first posts on this board seeing as though this board helped me shape some of my thoughts. This top ten list was actually shared with my friends in early September and was not drafted for the blog as I wasn't considering it at that time. Hope you enjoy.

-Unhitched

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Top Ten Things You Learn Doing Online Dating…

10) Have an open mind. If you don't, you will write people off that you shouldn't. However, don't have too open of a mind. If you do, you will go out and waste time/money with people you shouldn't.

9) For some people, loving to travel and explore different cultures means heading from the Bronx to Brooklyn to try Italian food at a different Olive Garden. Be wary of terms everyone puts in their profile.

8) Dinner's on first dates with people you have met online are generally bad ideas. Keep it simple and easy on the pockets. This is almost a universal rule.

7) No, I'm not down to meet up with you in the middle of the projects or midtown for that matter when I don't have any of your contact info. If you are so much of a worrier, get a throw away email address and phone/sim card.

6) Meet sooner rather than later. If you want, you can be pen pals for a few weeks but I'm pretty sure when you meet up you will 1) not have much to talk about and 2) run the risks of just not having an attraction in person and therefore you threw weeks of work down the drain. Either way, who really wants to carefully crafts messages for weeks back and forth. I got a job and things to do. Hopefully, you do too.

5) Girls always lie about something. Actually, they always lie about their weight or age. Be on the lookout. Guys aren't as creative to lie about their stats. They just lie about their relationship status or how many people they are dating.

4) Never fall in love with a profile. No matter how great the person's profile sounds, don't fall in love. You will be surprised how many socially inept English majors can craft a compelling story.

3) Watch out for misleading photos as that is a sure way to guarantee you will not get to a second date. Let me clarify...

If you are 30 and post your photos from when you are 23, you may be a beautiful 30 year old but you're not a hot college coed and have now disappointed your date. Second date, maybe.

If you only post headshots, people will think you are big and hiding something. Some newbs will roll the dice and go out with you anyway and most likely will only confirm that you are big/bigger in person. Experienced guys will ask for another picture. Either way, no first or second date.

Glamor shots, professional photography shots, or wedding pics don't count. Those are done after hours of prep work which you most likely will not repeat for said date. Once again, leading to a disappointment. Second date, maybe.

Flowing dresses are big girls friends. That's cool. As long as we are really able to see what you look like in another pic. If not, heed the advice given to the headshots only people.

Unless you are a swimsuit model no need for naked pictures. Geez, leave something to the imagination.

Sultry pics already put you in the "I wanna sex you up" category and not the best way to start off unless you are just looking to hook up.

Bottom line. For guys, we are visual creatures and just want to know what we are honestly signing up for. Just put a pic up that looks like you will look when we see you.

2) Back to this dinner on the first date rule. This can turn out a few ways...

First, if she asks for you to pay for a dinner that's a red flag. It could mean that she is just looking to have a good time and dinner at your expense. Red flag.

Second, if you are dating a lot and have decent social skills a lot of first dates will go decent/well. You can easily have 2-3 dates a week. At $50-$100 a date that adds up. Being single means you spend your money on you, not 1K/month sponsoring other people's fun.

Third, committing to spending an extended period of time eating with someone when dealing with situations (see 3, 4, 5, or 6 on top ten list) will leave you in an awkward position. You will want the date to end quickly and will not have a way to do that without being rude.

There is a caveat, the other person could be a really nice girl/guy and not go out on a lot of dates and therefore not have the same sensitivity to going dutch on a dinner. Still don't do it. If they are nice, they will understand only going for a drink.

1) There is a sweet spot where most people fall. Call it average, normal distribution, whatever you want. If you fall in that spot for height/weight/looks you will have a grand time. If you are out of the normal range of acceptable, you will have to compensate by being brilliantly funny in your profile, having a challenging/fulfilling/rewarding career, winning a noble peace prize or at least recommended for it in said career field, and almost finished with solving the cure for cancer all while having enough time to travel the world, work out daily, and feed the homeless every Saturday morning. Life isn't fair. Deal with it. 
Last edited by eH_Advice_Host_Kate; October 7,2010 at 7:54am. Reason: modified profanity removed
 
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nunayabizness is offline nunayabizness Post #2  October 6,2010, 1:43pm

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SPOT ON! Congratulations, you NAILED it!

I am amazed by those who do not post full-body pictures, thinking that others will not conclude they are fat.

No full body pictures = fat. I know I will get flamed for that statement, it is true with very few exceptions.

No dinners on the first date. I am not expecting sex, so do not expect dinner. Coffee or drinks are fine for a first meet.

Except for a few unique profiles, most profiles are essentially meaningless, containing the same drivel as 80% of the other profiles. Let's face it--people are different. If your profile doesn't turn off a significant percentage of your matches, your profile is lame and unrepresentative of your actual personality.
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #3  October 6,2010, 7:36pm
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Yep, all this plus more.
 
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Tracyannk28 is offline Tracyannk28 Post #4  October 7,2010, 9:49am
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Top 10 Things I've Learned:

10) Everyone thinks that they have a sense of humor - but in their photos they look like someone just shot their dog

9) It seems like every mans hobbies are "fitness, going to the gym, and working out"

8) What's up with these guys all "living life to the fullest" and "working hard and player harder"? If you're working that hard, how are you living life to the fullest? And playing "hard" doesn't sound like much fun...

7) When a guy says their 5'9, they're usually 5'7

6) Us women just love, love, love to hear all about you ex...please tell us more....

5) Coffee isn't a date. Period.

4) When we say "Thank you for dinner" it doesn't translate to "Oh - please grab my boobs"

3) Most women are cool with splitting the tab, but don't break out the calculator, ok?

2) Nice of you to show up for our date wearing a NY Giants stained hoodie and baseball hat...

Number one thing I've learned from on-line dating:

1) After finally hitting it off with someone and having a great date, when he says "this was so much fun.. we should get together again soon" don't expect to here from him....he fell off the face of the earth.
 
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CestMoi is offline CestMoi Post #5  October 7,2010, 9:59am
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Yes, men sometimes do lie about their appearance. I've met 2 EH matches, and they were both about 2" shorter than they said on their profiles.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #6  October 7,2010, 10:31am
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My Top Ten Things I have learned from online dating(in no particular order)

1. Never assume that someone you are talking to is genuine and sincerely interested in getting to know you. People do play games, so be cognizant of such individuals and take the inevitiable in stride.

2. Qualify your matches. Ask questions that will give you an overview of his/her overall disposition. If you sense that he/she may be incompatible to you, then cease communication with said person.

3. You don't have to meet every person you communicate with online. Some people will not make it past the GC. Others will not make it past OC. In essence, not everyone is worthy of meeting you. Try to meet people who you feel you have a good shot of being compatible with.

4. First meets are not dates! They are meet and greets or pre-dates. I consider dates to be with people who are attracted to me. That can't be determined to after I meet someone and they agree to go out with me again(if I even ask them). If there is some physical connection, then subsequent meets are dates(in my opinion).

5. Don't spend a lot of money on first meets. Also, don't spend a lot of money on dates period, unless you know that the person genuinely likes you. Keeping dates relatively inexpensive benefits all parties involved. No expecations and sense of entitlement issues. In essence, set a reasonable budget. Stangers should not receive special priviledges. Reserve said treatment for someone you are actively dating(more than one meet/greet session).

6. Don't get involved with people who live beyond the radius in which you are willing to travel. If you don't believe in LDR's, then don't waste your time. If you are willing to travel, then knock yourself out.

7. Communicate and meet your prospective matches within a reasonable amount of time. I don't necessarily agree that meeting someone right away is the best approach. But, taking months and months before meeting someone isn't the best approach either. But, exchanging a few emails to phone calls before meeting is reasonable. Gives two people a lil time to become a lil familiar with each other as well as give someone time to decide if they really want to meet or if they have a change of heart.

8. Always accept progression when communicating. Don't go from GC, to OC, then to personal email to IM. People like this isn't trying to meet you. Go from GC to OC, to phone, to in person meeting. That is progression. The rest is game playing.

9. Don't have too high of expectations when communicating with someone. The more expecations you have, the more likely you will be disappointed. Nobody is obligated to meet and/or exceed your expecations. Don't assume that someone will have the goal to do so for you.

10. Never assume that you are the only person a match is communicating with. More than likely, your matches are communicating with other people, so competition is inevitable. Don't expect someone to only talk to you either. Lastly, only talk to as many matches as you are able to handle. If you can handle only one person, then do so. Just don't expect your matches to do the same. If you can multi-date, then do so, just don't make promises and set up dates you can't keep.

Bonus lesson learned:

Use discretion when divulging personal information!!!!!!!!! People can, say and will use the information you share about yourself against you. It's a virtue to be honest, but you have the right to selectively edit your business. Everyone does not need to know your business, especially if they don't know you and they are not offering to invest into you emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually and so forth. Personal information is on an as needed basis.


B.Y.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #7  October 7,2010, 11:05am

blames self-help books

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1. It doesn't work for me.
2. Humans are strange.
3. People think top ten lists are cooler than they are.
4. Self-help books stink and tend to cause more problems than they solve.
5. People have strong opinions on who pays but no one knows exactly why.
6. You are either a poofer, a player or a jerk.
7. All men use women for sex except the men who post here.
8. All women use men for food except the women who post here.
9. If you want an objective opinion ask the mail man, he doesn't like you anyway.
10. Pancakes!
 
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Tracyannk28 is offline Tracyannk28 Post #8  October 7,2010, 11:12am
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
4. Self-help books stink and tend to cause more problems than they solve.
yeah - all the dating books I've read screwed me up even more than I already was....
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #9  October 7,2010, 11:12am
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My 10, primarily from a guy's perspective, in no particular order:

1.) Response rate will be extremely low - probably 5-10% at best and you will virtually never get a "no, thanks." Try not to get too caught up on the "why" just accept that this is how thing are.

2.) Language about "friends first" or "just looking" is real (avoid it IMO). All other language about looking for "nice" or "communicative" or whatever is mostly not real - she's looking for someone she finds hot.

3.) Guys must get professional photos and must do a lot of research on how to write a good profile. Be wary of sounding generic and boring. But don't sweat it too much as photos are more important.

4.) No more than 3 emails before asking for the first date. If she balks or refuses, move on. The goal here is to find out if you should meet not if you should be in a relationship.

5.) Competition will be extremely fierce - I had a good looking female workplace peer get 150 emails in a week (filled the inbox to capacity so it would have been more!).

6.) Respond to ALL messages/winks/nudges/whatever even if you're not interested.

7.) Don't fall into the trap of looking for a fairy tale. Contact/respond to women even if your interest is only very minor. ~25% of the time I have been pleasantly surprised.

8.) You must turn the process into an assembly line - email a set number of women every day (3-5) until you get bite(s). This should have you meeting about one girl a week.

9.) The key to emails is to establish a connection - a favorite book, sport, whatever. Other than that reference some stuff in her profile, don't go more than three paragraphs, and ask at least three questions to compel a response.

10.) Never wait more than~ 24 hours for a reply at any time unless she has a viable excuse and has not logged in the previous 24 hours.

Bottom line for a guy: competition is fierce, anonymity of the Internet trivializes the process making it frustrating (low response rate, lots of flakes and poofers), and many have unrealistic expectations. In light of the implied cynicism of the above, if a guy sticks with it and gets good at it he will generally end up meeting women he otherwise never would/could have.
Last edited by Raw_Truth; October 7,2010 at 11:15am.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #10  October 7,2010, 11:15am

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I only learned one thing from online dating:

I'm not someone that can get a result out of it. I've heard people do, but it's apparently not for me.
 
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