Are common interests trivial?


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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #1  October 6,2010, 7:56am
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Had an interesting conversation last night with someone who has been happily married for 45 years. She asked why I was single still and I mumbled something about how hard it is to find someone with common interests. She just about fell out of her chair laughing at me.

"Common interests is a fool's errand. You don't need common interests for a happy marriage. My husband and I have no common interests. What makes our marriage work is that we have common values, common beliefs, common family values, common financial goals, common ideas about how we want to live. We agree about what we want out of life and work as a team to get it. As for hobbies and other interests.....who cares. The differences is what gives us space to do our own thing and to be our own person and that is more important than you seem to understand. Don't think that being attached at the hip will make for a healthy relationship."

This made me think about other happily married people as well. He loves fishing and boating, she gets seasick just thinking about it. He loves outdoors, she is a gym/indoor rat. The list goes on.

So, do we spend too much time looking at profiles focusing on those common interests that are ultimately trivial? Do we spend too much time getting attached to a person just because they like xyz just like we do and fail to see that we don't match on what's actually important?
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #2  October 6,2010, 8:06am

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actually, I have to agree, and it's something i learned fairly recently.

my new "list" is 1. someone i am physically attracted to 2. someone i am mentally attracted to

it would be great if he liked cons,faires and pirates and acoustic music and was a homebody but yeah. may not happen.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #3  October 6,2010, 8:16am
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I have done both ... a relationship without a lot of common interests and a relationship with a lot of common interests. Both were healthy relationships that worked. I kind of like having a lot of common interests though. I can do the things I want to do AND spend time with my boyfriend. Of course the common values and lifestyle is more important, but common interests is pretty awesome.
 
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dwightst is offline dwightst Post #4  October 6,2010, 8:18am
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Interesting topic! I was just thinking about something similar recently.

I was under the impression that keeping independent lives and interests are important to a relationship.

However, this thread: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...nal-needs.html (Men's top five emotional needs)

The thread mentions that men's "emotional needs" include "recreational companionship," which I imagine would necessitate common interests (ex. going to baseball games, boat trips, hiking, etc.).

Any advice or personal thoughts?
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #5  October 6,2010, 8:21am
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I've gotten closed after answering "Describe an interest you have that you would truly hope your partner could share with you" - I don't remember how I answered but it was along the lines of not needing to share hobbies so much as have interests that align, such as pursuing knowledge (b/c I'm more fulfilled when I'm gaining information/skills) and being socially active.

Just plucking something from both of our profiles about jogging or cooking would probably be easier. I think it's great when we like to do some of the same things, but it really isn't specific for me - I do the things I like because I like them, it's just a plus if someone else does not a negative if they don't.

Hobbies do reflect what someone considers important, so I don't think it's a bad measure of compatibility - just one of many.
Last edited by lunabeach; October 6,2010 at 8:24am.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #6  October 6,2010, 8:32am
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DancingFool wrote :
You don't need common interests for a happy marriage. My husband and I have no common interests. What makes our marriage work is that we have common values, common beliefs, common family values, common financial goals, common ideas about how we want to live.
I agree. I remember we talked about this a little in my psychology class back in the day. The relationships that last have the same values, goals, etc. Having hobbies in common doesn't mean much to me.

Also, I hope to find someone who's a bit flexible, like myself, so even if he doesn't like my hobbies, he can tolerate them! I know I would tolerate his (although you might not be able to convince me to go skydiving or whatever, no matter how "tolerant" I was!)

Also, I do agree that every relationship needs some space. Having different hobbies can definitely be helpful in granting that.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #7  October 6,2010, 8:39am
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I like having at least a few common interests to be able to enjoy and spend time together..preferably some outdoor one's..

But yes..I do agree that all the other things mentioned are crucial for a sustainable relationship/marriage..I have never been the type to do 'everything' together...I know it works for some...

And yes..physical attraction is a must...since that is 50% of the fun!! I want to have both an emotional and physical connection with someone...

If that..overused word..lol..chemistry, isn't there...then he would be just a friend with all those other great qualities...

I enjoy the kissing, hand holding, etc, etc, too much...

I am an independent gal that likes my time alone as well as time with my girlfriends...so it's good if the guy hangs with his friends or alone doing his other hobbies..

To me..a great relationship has a balance of couple time, friend/family time, and then alone time..
Last edited by Ingytravel; October 6,2010 at 8:44am.
 
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Tracyannk28 is offline Tracyannk28 Post #8  October 6,2010, 8:43am
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My parents have been married for almost 50 years, and I think their only common interest is the love of diner food
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  October 6,2010, 8:46am
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Your shared interests are the icing on the cake. Your friend understands exactly what is important in a relationship.

Most of the couples that I know with a successful long term marriage

including my parents (eyes left)

have many separate interests and activities that they participate in without their spouse. What makes this work is trust and compromise.
Last edited by Gr8Guyn2008; October 6,2010 at 8:51am. Reason: Post got all screwed up :(
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #10  October 6,2010, 8:51am

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Tracyannk28 wrote :
My parents have been married for almost 50 years, and I think their only common interest is the love of diner food
hey, diner food is gooooood.
 
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