Dating & My Ex's Workplace?


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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #1  October 5,2010, 11:25pm
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So, I've got a bit of a situation on my hands, and I'd like to ask everyone's opinion on it. Here's the scenario:

My ex, J., is the main bartender at one of the hottest bars in town. Even folks who don't like the part of town his bar is in will make a point of saying, "Oh, except for AT, I love AT! (his bar)" I've never been in this bar, because before we started dating, I didn't live in this city, and then, after we started dating, I was respecting his wishes to keep his dating life separate from the rest of his life.

We dated for 4 months. He broke things off by suggesting we "take a break" (said this in June) and suggested he might call me "in September." We messaged a little over this "break," and when he stopped answering my messages in August, I took the hint. So, we haven't seen each other since June, or communicated at all since August.

At what point should I feel comfortable walking into AT? Never? And, at what point can I bring a date there (as opposed to a friend)? Again, never? And, if it's okay to go in, should I try to notify J. that I'm coming before I show up at his bar? ("Hey, just wanted to say, don't be surprised if you see me around town"??)

On the one hand, I don't want to be rude, or make things awkward for J. On the other hand, I don't want to "blacklist" myself from what looks like a really interesting establishment just because I once dated the bartender there...

Anyway, thoughts?


p.s. This came up because I recently had a friend visit and suggest we go there, and I had to be like, "Um, that's J's bar." And then we had a long conversation about if/when it would be "okay" to go in. And then I recently had a date mention that he liked the bar, and I just said I hadn't been to it (didn't mention my ex). So... Just not sure what to do here.
 
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windsurfing is offline windsurfing Post #2  October 5,2010, 11:46pm
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Comfortably walking in --- When you are happily in another relationship.

Going there with a date --- It would be a lot more fun for both you and your date to go elsewhere.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #3  October 6,2010, 1:27am
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I like that you didn't go there while dating, because (theoretically) that should remove a lot of the awkwardness. Unless you both hung out with people that work there as well, your presence there should be not be worthy of extra comment.

If it were me, I would not contact him to advise going there. If I received a message like that, I would think that it is a 'look at me!' scenario, rather than an actual date or evening out with friends.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #4  October 6,2010, 2:05am
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Dear Chimerical,

Regarding dating and your ex's workplace, the best course of action here calls for wisdom and prudency as in:

1. Do not go to AT's by yourself, on a date, with a girlfriend, or anytime and

2. Do not call or contact "J."

You will save yourself a lot of grief if you use simple common sense.

If, on the other hand, you like to play with fire, enjoy drama, and live that kind of lifestyle, then you know what to do.

Wishing you well.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; October 6,2010 at 2:07am.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #5  October 6,2010, 4:13am
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Hmm...I have a different take...you only dated for 4 months....and now it's been 4 months since you broke up...

To me...it's all about how YOU feel about J...if you are still hung up on him in anyway...then don't take a date there....but if you have moved on and don't have any feelings for him...I would go and enjoy yourself...no need to even tell your date that you used to date some guy there....

My ex and I have mostly the same group of friends...now..keep in mind that a marriage for years is a different time frame for getting over....but he is now dating someone and so am I...and we end up attending similar events...even small gatherings at friends homes....

I wish him well and he does the same for me...it's no biggie...

If you haven't seen J in all that time...I would maybe go once with your girlfriends to get the initial 'seeing again' out of the way...

But if this is a place that you really enjoy going to and hate to miss....not just because of him...then you shouldn't have to 'hide' because of that...
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  October 6,2010, 4:21am
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Agree with Ingy. 4 months is not that long of a relationship and you've been done for a long time. His whole "break" thing sounds more like he wanted to end things without quite having the spine to say so directly, so pretty sure he is just plain done with you and has been for a long time. The better question is are you truly over him?

Personally, I would go to the bar and have fun and other than some very mild polite acknowledgment if necessary, would not worry about an ex.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  October 6,2010, 4:38am
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I have to agree with windsurfing and JavaJava5, don't go there.

AT! is not a place you have ever been. It is not the type of place you frequent. So why would you even contemplate going there now?
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #8  October 6,2010, 5:01am
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I'm with Ingy - if you're over him, you shouldn't be living your life around him. It's a public, popular place and it's reasonable to patronize it, IF it won't be awkward for you and you know you can go without a primary reason being to see him/have him see you.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  October 6,2010, 5:09am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
AT! is not a place you have ever been. It is not the type of place you frequent. So why would you even contemplate going there now?
I agree.

Unless it's a real popular place with good roast beef sammiches and a good country & western band or something. In which case, like Ingy said, there's no reason to hide.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #10  October 6,2010, 5:48am
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I agree with Ingy and DancingFool. It's a place of public accommodation so there's no reason you shouldn't go unless you still harbor some feelings for him (good or bad). Wait until you sincerely don't care whether he'll be there or not. And definitely go with some girlfriends first. Who knows? You may end up not liking the place, on its own merits, not because he works there.

As for 'being rude' in not telling J you're going to go there -- if he's a bartender at a popular place, he's accustomed to the potential awkwardness of seeing exes and other acquaintances there. Contacting him to 'warn' him might be perceived as an attempt to get back in touch with him, especially since he was the one who stopped communication.
 
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