madmanks is offline madmanks Post #1  October 5,2010, 1:27pm
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I was of the impression that users of E-Harmony are supposed to be seeking a serious relationship. After a long hiatus, I decided to try the site again, and was pleased to have a very good match as one of many. However, it turns out after initial dates that she is NOT ready for a relationship. Her career comes first, and I was asked to put us on hold for up to two years; I was then informed that unless I had a career where I could be home early, children were out of the question (and probably still were if she had to miss out on work) and that she wanted a husband to be there for the house, with a less important/responsible job so she could further her career.

Are there some female users that are really serious about relationships and their job doesn't come first? I had this issue the first time I was a user a couple years ago---women who wouldn't consider relocating, were very career oriented, etc. Why all this focus on career, job, etc.?????
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #2  October 5,2010, 1:35pm
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madmanks wrote :
I was of the impression that users of E-Harmony are supposed to be seeking a serious relationship.
I do believe at one time it was considered a serious relationship site, but that probably had more to do with the cost compared to other sites 5 to 7 years ago. Anyway- now with all the commericals and free weekends, the site is loaded with the usual cast of characters found on other sites.
wrote :
Are there some female users that are really serious about relationships and their job doesn't come first? I had this issue the first time I was a user a couple years ago---women who wouldn't consider relocating, were very career oriented, etc. Why all this focus on career, job, etc.?????
Of course there are, I've met plenty of them that know how to balance theirs lives.
Last edited by TrekRyder10; October 5,2010 at 2:11pm.
 
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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #3  October 5,2010, 2:03pm

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The focus on career might have something to do with the fact that in this day and age it's really not feasible for a woman to expect a man to carry the entire financial burden in a relationship. A lot of women don't want that anyway. In today's society and economy, women both need and want to work, not least because a lot of women are not marrying as young as, say, their mothers did and therefore need to work to support themselves because no one else is going to do it for them. Even in a relationship, a lot of women would rather be contributing something than getting a free ride. There's a lot of self-respect to be had in holding a job and contributing to society.

I'm sure there are men out there who have asked women to wait for them too until they are more established in their career. In fact, my ex-brother-in-law once told my sister that his education came before her and that's just the way it was going to be. Not the most romantic sentiment ever, that's for sure.

For what it's worth, there are women out there who will put a relationship first. As Trek_Ryder said, he's met lots of them. You just have to keep looking. How many of these career-focused women have you talked to? Is that the only kind of woman you're getting matched with? Are you responding to every match you get? Surely they won't all be that way. In fact, there will likely even be some career-oriented women who can and want to balance getting an education/having a career with a relationship.

I'm sure it must be frustrating - it certainly sounds like it is and I can understand why you would be upset at basically being told you are not as important as someone's career, but there are women out there who will have different priorities.
Last edited by lindseyk; October 6,2010 at 8:05am. Reason: Fixing grammatical errors.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #4  October 5,2010, 2:49pm
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madmanks wrote :
I was of the impression that users of E-Harmony are supposed to be seeking a serious relationship. After a long hiatus, I decided to try the site again, and was pleased to have a very good match as one of many. However, it turns out after initial dates that she is NOT ready for a relationship. Her career comes first, and I was asked to put us on hold for up to two years; I was then informed that unless I had a career where I could be home early, children were out of the question (and probably still were if she had to miss out on work) and that she wanted a husband to be there for the house, with a less important/responsible job so she could further her career.
Over the years less and less serious users are coming out to try EHarmony (and other dating sites. Many people use the site to broaden their dating pool (but not be the sole source). Some are looking for that perfect dream catch.

Its possible she was just saying this as an out for any future follow-up dates with you.

My honest feeling it was the latter. I think many online search for that unrealistic perfect match.



madmanks wrote :
Are there some female users that are really serious about relationships and their job doesn't come first? I had this issue the first time I was a user a couple years ago---women who wouldn't consider relocating, were very career oriented, etc. Why all this focus on career, job, etc.?????
A question for you...I was bothered by this comment. Do you think the role of the man is to come first in a relationship?

Maybe I am unique but if she was in a more demanding career I could be more supportive of her and take on the primary parent role.

Salary has more to do with the field you are in than education or intelligence.

You expect her to come to you...take care of the home while you do nothing? I am sorry but the 1950s have long passed......
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  October 5,2010, 3:07pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I don't think this means she isn't looking for a serious relationship. There have probably always been a lot of men looking for the same thing (a woman to take care of the house and kids....or at least with a less demanding job). That being the case, I don't think she's being unreasonable..... just unlikely to find a man willing to accept her conditions. If she can....more power to her.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #6  October 5,2010, 3:20pm
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jayjay wrote :
I don't think this means she isn't looking for a serious relationship. There have probably always been a lot of men looking for the same thing (a woman to take care of the house and kids....or at least with a less demanding job). That being the case, I don't think she's being unreasonable..... just unlikely to find a man willing to accept her conditions. If she can....more power to her.
I agree with jayjay

The first part, anyway! I don't think it's unreasonable, BUT I disagree that it's unlikely she'll find a guy with a teaching job or a hospital job that ends at 3 PM or whatever. It may be a little unusual, but come on, it's not like she's a freak or anything.

I don't think I've ever met a guy who convincingly placed his relationship ahead of his career -- many, many men are career-oriented. Women with demanding careers AND men with demanding careers? We all try to balance it. It's a shame that at times it feels like a contest. I figure when that happens, it's the relationship that's not quite right, not the career.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; October 5,2010 at 3:45pm. Reason: To the OP: just keep looking for a women with a more traditional occupation ...
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #7  October 5,2010, 4:03pm
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madmanks wrote :
I was of the impression that users of E-Harmony are supposed to be seeking a serious relationship. After a long hiatus, I decided to try the site again, and was pleased to have a very good match as one of many. However, it turns out after initial dates that she is NOT ready for a relationship. Her career comes first, and I was asked to put us on hold for up to two years; I was then informed that unless I had a career where I could be home early, children were out of the question (and probably still were if she had to miss out on work) and that she wanted a husband to be there for the house, with a less important/responsible job so she could further her career.

Are there some female users that are really serious about relationships and their job doesn't come first? I had this issue the first time I was a user a couple years ago---women who wouldn't consider relocating, were very career oriented, etc. Why all this focus on career, job, etc.?????
This kind of inflexibility, whether male or female is not very conducive to dating. When you have such stringent "must haves", good luck in finding that match. I'm surprised you gave her as much time of day as you did.

In reality, a lot of people are on dating sites who aren't ready for a relationship. Many times they don't know they're not ready until they try.

Another possibility, your profile is telling the super hamster computer of EH that you're best match are women who are ambitious, and those who are ambitious and single, usually are career oriented.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  October 5,2010, 4:09pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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lacedwithhope wrote :

I don't think I've ever met a guy who convincingly placed his relationship ahead of his career -- many, many men are career-oriented. Women with demanding careers AND men with demanding careers? We all try to balance it. It's a shame that at times it feels like a contest. I figure when that happens, it's the relationship that's not quite right, not the career.
Hopefully she can find what she's looking for. What I'll just add is that one partner has a 'more demanding' job this oftentimes comes to mean more than just the other partner getting off work at a certain time. It can mean, over a number of years, the other partner with the less 'demanding' job changing schedules, changing jobs or even cities.

While finding a man who gets off work at 3 pm (as an example) wouldn't be such a hard prospect...finding one who would be willing to change jobs or cities at her need to do so might be a bit harder to find. And of course....she needs to find not only a man willing to do so.....but one that she could love and spend the rest of her life with.
 
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Storvik is offline Storvik Post #9  October 5,2010, 4:14pm
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lacedwithhope wrote :
I don't think I've ever met a guy who convincingly placed his relationship ahead of his career -- many, many men are career-oriented. Women with demanding careers AND men with demanding careers? We all try to balance it. It's a shame that at times it feels like a contest. I figure when that happens, it's the relationship that's not quite right, not the career.
I did with my ex. I had just finished my PhD and had managed to get a well paid permanent job in industry after looking around about half a year. And I can tell you it wasn't easy since there was (and is) a lot of competition for the jobs.

Anyways, she didn't like her job or the place where we were living and badly wanted to go back to her native Italy. So I quit after only seven months, we sold our apartment with a loss and moved and starting our own business.

It didn't work out in the end, but it sure was an experience for me!
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #10  October 5,2010, 4:18pm
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I don't find this all that strange - I know couples who are partners and both have high powered jobs. Their lives are quick paced and during different periods, one is more domestic than the other (a specific example - when one was in grad school and had a flexible schedule, he took on cleaning/groceries - when he got a job that required extensive traveling, she did).

It's just different priorities - if he'd really, really wanted kids she probably would have agreed to bear them, but since it's his desire he'd need to make the time sacrifice to raise them. But from what they've shared, kids are a fleeting thought.

It isn't traditional, but I'm sure she'll find someone. There are many people out there, all with diverse needs - even men who are hoping for a wife who is willing to stay home, have kids, and put her education or career on hold is going to find a more limited pool than even a decade ago.
 
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