How to say "No" more sensetively


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
farfar is offline farfar Post #1  October 4,2010, 11:25am
farfar's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2010

Posts: 4

See profile

I get asked out fairly frequently by men. My problem is that I don't know an effective but polite way to say "No" without hurting their feelings. This has always been an issue for me, especially when I have some acquaintance with they guy, and he does not take an "excuse" as a hint!

For example, we are in a party. I get to know some people and talk to them during the night. The conversations are all interesting and intellectual, but I am not necessarily interested to "date" the guy.

At the end of the night the guy asks "can we see each other again?" And here is where I don't know how to reply. He is not directly saying "can we date", so that I can say no. There is no harm is "seeing" him again, but he is obviously asking for a date (or am I mistaking?)

So I usually end up saying "sure" in a very disinterested voice (to send a message). And when he actually wants to setup a date I would use the excuse of being busy that night and that whole week, etc., in hopes of him getting the message. And almost never they do! And keep asking for another day, "how about Friday?". I usually have to hang to an exit strategy like: "let me check my schedule at get back to you" or throw in plans with an imaginary "boyfriend/Date". The latter is VERY effective, but I hate that I have to lie to get out of something that I was not interested in at first place.

But obviously I am doing something wrong. What would you say is the best way to say "No" more clearly, but more "sensitively"?. My male friends tell me "just say No". But I don't find that nice at all. Imagine when someone asks "can we see each other again" and you just say "No". I have a lot of respect and appreciation for them gather their guts to ask me that question, so I would like to be more sensitive. I am sure the very same male friends wouldn't appreciate if someone said No to them just like that!

Girls, what are some of your sensitive strategies?
Guys, what sort of "No" you would like to hear that would send the message clearly, but make the "rejection" a bit less hurtful?

And please remember, this is not about a random guy who walks up to you in a bar. I have no problem saying No, Thanks in those situations.
 
  Reply With Quote
Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #2  October 4,2010, 11:38am
Ingytravel's Avatar

Naps are one of life's great joys:)

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 8,164

See profile

Even with acquaintances..you can politely say.."no thank you....I am not interested in dating, but appreciate the offer"...and if they persist and say they just want to go out as 'friends'...I would say.."I don't think that would be a good idea..but again...thanks for asking, it was nice talking/seeing with you"...and then go to leave..

I think it's a terrible idea to try and be 'coy' or hinting around...we are all adults...just say what you mean...it can be in a polite way...and the further someone pushes...the more blunt you can get....but certainly can start out nice but firm and clear....

I think it would be interesting to hear what the guys say on here...

Why do you think saying no is somehow not nice? If someone asked you to paint their house..can you say no? Can you say no in a work environment? It's actually much worse and more cruel to lead them on by saying yes when you don't mean it...that can get you into a lot of trouble and aggravation down the line...

As some people say on here in the nicest way..Put on those big girl pants...just say no!....They are adult men...they can handle it...
 
  Reply With Quote
StPaulGirl is offline StPaulGirl Post #3  October 4,2010, 11:47am
StPaulGirl's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Aug 2010

Posts: 578

See profile

Ingytravel's advice is spot on. The nicest way to say no, is to say "No thank you, but it was nice of you to ask." Toss in an "I'm flattered" maybe if you want to puff up their ego a bit - but no is no and there's not a lot you can do to ease the disappointment they're likely to feel.

In the long run, it's kindest to remove the band aid quickly and let them get on with their lives.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wootz is offline Wootz Post #4  October 4,2010, 11:53am
Wootz's Avatar

wants to be half as good as grandad was.

Veteran

Joined: May 2009

Appalachian Mountains

Posts: 1,670

See profile

A guy's response:

Just Say No.

*grin*

The word must be said, and it can be said gently- but firmly. Yes, you had fun. Yes, you're a nice enough guy. No, he didn't "do anything wrong." But you two are not compatible.

Avoid lies, half-truths, and saying things that you do not mean. While the intent may be kind (and we men do love a kind heart), this can lead to the horror stories that men tell each other. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. It is much kinder and better in the long run to be absolutely clear, as many of us- okay, me in particular- I don't do subtle well.

And do not forget to say No. No date. Thank you, but no. No, but good luck with your other adventures. No second date. No chance of a second date. I do not wish to date you again. Thank you , but no.

If the guy persists, then he is making a social faux pas. No means no. No should always mean no. No ifs ands or buts about it. There has to be a good, firm "No" in there, and that boundary must stick. This really is the best way, I believe. The fellow may be a bit crestfallen for a while, but in the end, he will respect you more for it.

Please, do not equivocate. When it is time to say no, make it clear and simple. That is the best advice I can give from my little corner of the world...
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  October 4,2010, 11:54am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

What you are doing is actually playing a very cruel and immature game with them. I don't get how you think that you are being nice by lying to them, leading them on and then wondering how come they can't read your mind and figure out that a yes really means no.

If you are not interested, then the best answer is "Thank you, I'm flattered but I don't think this is a good idea." If the guy persists, then you simply say "Sorry, but no." and that's all.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #6  October 4,2010, 11:59am
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,301

See profile

Lots of guys will try to hit on anyone, just to flirt or see if they can get your number or a date, for some it's just a game. You can be honest and diplomatic, just say "sorry, I'm seeing someone". Period. They will get the hint.
farfar wrote :
I
Guys, what sort of "No" you would like to hear that would send the message clearly, but make the "rejection" a bit less hurtful?
And please remember, this is not about a random guy who walks up to you in a bar. I have no problem saying No, Thanks in those situations.
 
  Reply With Quote
Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #7  October 4,2010, 12:00pm
Dafearon's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Maryland

Posts: 2,181

See profile

Personally, my ego is never inflated when someone turns be down with "I'm flattered". If you were truly flattered, you wouldn't be turning me down without a good reason, now would you

No thanks is best. But another excuse i've heard is "I'm really not interested in dating right now". That works, if you are really honest about it. If you're not, it can bite you back. I had someone tell me that, which was fine, and 2 hours later, some guy had his tongue down her throat. She was a friend of a friend of mine.

Despite her actually coming with me to this thing. I left her there. Its one thing to turn me down, its another to lie to my face like that.
 
  Reply With Quote
scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #8  October 4,2010, 12:00pm

no stuntman surprises or houdini like disguises for death defying escape

Unregistered

Joined: Apr 2009

Where the clouds are like headlines on a new front page sky

Posts: 10,721

See profile

farfar wrote :
I hate that I have to lie to get out of something that I was not interested in at first place.

.
but you had no problem lying when you said "sure"?

just say:

"i'm very flattered, but no thank you" then smile.
 
  Reply With Quote
scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #9  October 4,2010, 12:02pm

no stuntman surprises or houdini like disguises for death defying escape

Unregistered

Joined: Apr 2009

Where the clouds are like headlines on a new front page sky

Posts: 10,721

See profile

Wiseman2 wrote :
Lots of guys will try to hit on anyone, just to flirt or see if they can get your number or a date, for some it's just a game. You can be honest and diplomatic, just say "sorry, I'm seeing someone". Period. They will get the hint.
but if you aren't seeing someone, isn't this dishonest?

I've never been a fan of the pretend boyfriend excuse.
 
  Reply With Quote
StPaulGirl is offline StPaulGirl Post #10  October 4,2010, 12:06pm
StPaulGirl's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Aug 2010

Posts: 578

See profile

Dafearon wrote :
Personally, my ego is never inflated when someone turns be down with "I'm flattered". If you were truly flattered, you wouldn't be turning me down without a good reason, now would you
I am truly flattered by 100% of the date requests I get. 100%.

I am also flattered by strangers flirting with me, holding the door for me an exceptionally long time, genuinely expressed thanks - any recognition that others find me to be a person of worth is flattering.

You should consider turning down the cynacism a bit if you truly don't believe that a woman isn't flattered unless she accepts your advances
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Inappropriate Conversations | Dating | Interested »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 1:20am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0