I'm not physically attracted to you!


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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  October 2,2010, 9:18am
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I have a bit of a dilemma. A few weeks ago I had a female house guest in from the West coast. We were out at a function and met (actually she met) a single male who seemed to enjoy our company, and wanted to hang out with us for the two weeks she was visiting. He is a very nice guy, smart, funny,good values etc. My friend has since returned to the west coast and now this man wants to turn our friendship into something romantic. Here's the issue. I am not at all attracted to him physically. I have tried being nice and explained that I like where we are. I value his friendship and would like to keep it where it is. I have even gone so far as to let him know I am actively dating. Last evening he gave me the perfect opening by stating "Either you are physically attracted to a person or you're not." I couldn't bring myself to say, "I'm not to you."

My question, Guys would you rather a woman just tell you she's not physically attracted to you? I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He is a nice guy, but truthfully I am not feeling it, and although I had hoped to maintain a friendship it doesn't look like that's going to be possible. Any suggestions for getting the message across without hurting someone's ego or being brutal?
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #2  October 2,2010, 9:27am
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I'm not a guy, but have been in this situation before. I usually say that, when we met, I put him in the friend zone because that's what the situation dictated (ie you were with your friend and it was like a 3 person friendship), and that you just can't see him as more than a friend at this point. It kind of conveys the truth in a less than hurtful way, and is true to boot. I have a friend with whom this is a recurring issue. Every now and again he brings up the issue that he'd really rather be dating me (and like you, I'm not at all attracted to him) and I tell him because of how we met (he was dating someone else at the time) I put him in the friend zone and just can't move him out of there.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #3  October 2,2010, 9:27am

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i don't think you have to tell him specifically that you are physically attracted to him.

just tell him firmly and succinctly that you only want to be friends with him, and nothing more, and no, you will not change your mind.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  October 2,2010, 9:33am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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My suggestion is....simply stop seeing him altogether. Don't try to make a guy who has a romantic interest in you into a friend.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #5  October 2,2010, 9:35am

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I think this is sooo common. And so why guys thing "being a nice guy" is the problem.

I have a very hard time bringing myself to do the same. There are lots of guys I'd probably consider more seriously if I were the least big attracted to them. In some cases, it's more like repulsed.

I think you just tell him that you are not feeling the chemistry. don't give him things to 'change'
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  October 2,2010, 9:36am
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Emme0264 wrote :
I'm not a guy, but have been in this situation before. I usually say that, when we met, I put him in the friend zone because that's what the situation dictated (ie you were with your friend and it was like a 3 person friendship), and that you just can't see him as more than a friend at this point. It kind of conveys the truth in a less than hurtful way, and is true to boot. I have a friend with whom this is a recurring issue. Every now and again he brings up the issue that he'd really rather be dating me (and like you, I'm not at all attracted to him) and I tell him because of how we met (he was dating someone else at the time) I put him in the friend zone and just can't move him out of there.
Thanks I tried this. You should have heard the sales pitch I got. I've explained that I like the easy friendship we've established, don;t want to complicate things, and that it's just difficult for me to wrap my head around us being more than friends. I even got the .. "well taking it another step will enhance the friendship." I don't want to be hurtful but it's coming down to when the phone rings now I cringe.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  October 2,2010, 9:38am
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jayjay wrote :
My suggestion is....simply stop seeing him altogether. Don't try to make a guy who has a romantic interest in you into a friend.
It has to come to this. Unfortunately I had no idea there was a romantic interest until he sprang it on me after my friend left.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  October 2,2010, 9:40am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Alli824 wrote :
It has to come to this. Unfortunately I had no idea there was a romantic interest until he sprang it on me after my friend left.
Such are the problems of extremely attractive women..... there aren't a lot of men who only want to be friends with them.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #9  October 2,2010, 9:58am

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Alli824 wrote :
Thanks I tried this. You should have heard the sales pitch I got. I've explained that I like the easy friendship we've established, don;t want to complicate things, and that it's just difficult for me to wrap my head around us being more than friends. I even got the .. "well taking it another step will enhance the friendship." I don't want to be hurtful but it's coming down to when the phone rings now I cringe.
quite frankly, you don't see the fact that he won't take no for an answer as a huge red flag?
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #10  October 2,2010, 9:59am
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I would just say that I'm exploring other options and not explain myself when pressed and leave it at that.
 
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