Does he like me or is he trying to let me down easy?


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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #1  September 30,2010, 7:10am
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I have been "dating" this guy for the past month. I really like him but his behavior is confusing me. Of course the first two weeks were amazing, he was really sweet and affectionate. Then he started with the jokes like he does with his guy friends. He says this is just because he is getting closer to me. I have also met his friends and family already. I have told him that some of his jokes bother me. Sometimes he says he will try to fix that but other times he says he will never change and I can take it or leave it.

When he is being sweet it feels so amazing and I really am starting to fall for him. I have gotten used to most of the joking now, but sometimes it still bothers me. It is hard to tell if he really does like me. Also, we both got out of engagements and want to take things slow. I am ready to be his gf, but he is not ready for that yet. He says he does not want to see anyone else, but continues to have his online dating profile up. He doesn't text as much recently and the jokes are getting worse now. He says he really likes me though but feels like I am just settling for him and that he isn't good enough. I am confused.

I have had a lot of experience with guys acting like they like me then pulling the "I am not ready", "I am not good enough", etc lines. One boyfriend even got mean at the end so I would be the one to break up with him instead. I am confused and don't know if he is trying to let me down easy or if he really does like me. Any thoughts would be helpful.



Update: We had a long talk and he says he is really sorry for hurting my feelings. He says when he gets like that it is because his defenses are up because he got really hurt in his last relationship. He is scared I am going to hurt him like she did and uses jokes as a way to distance himself from pain.

I can understand that because I have been hurt a lot too and have my own defenses. I think I am going to see how it goes for a little while longer. If he opens up then I will be really happy, but if he can't then I will move on.
Last edited by beccaf87; October 1,2010 at 7:13am. Reason: Updated***
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  September 30,2010, 7:15am
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It would be helpful if you described the kinds of jokes. Are they offensive or demeaning? What puts you off about them? Are they passive aggressive comments that he tries to pass off as jokes when questioned? Help us to better understand what's going on.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #3  September 30,2010, 7:20am
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They are jokes that really put me down. I have a lot of guy friends so I am used to joking around but not when it is actually someone I am interested in. Some of the jokes are even "I hate you...you suck". The thing is, I have met his friends and family. And they ALL do this to each other. So I don't think he actually means it when he says it, but I do feel bad. I am joking back with him with most of it, but some does still hurt my feelings. Especially when he jokes about being with other girls. But he says the more comfortable he gets around me, the more he will joke around with me. I really like this guy, aside from all the joking I think we connect well, which I have found is a hard thing to find in the dating world.
 
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Lovemy40s is offline Lovemy40s Post #4  September 30,2010, 7:27am

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Have you actually said to him, in a nice, calm way.."Hey Joe, when you say something like...xyz...it really hurts my feelings...if you could please not joke with me in this type of manner, that would be really great...thanks..."...Then give kiss and hug...

If you have already done this, and he still chooses to continue..then you are accepting this behavior from him and he is not a great guy..I would be gone...

Anyone who deliberately continues to do something to someone when they know that it upsets them..is not ok in my book..

Now..we all do things inadvertantly, and yes..sometimes say something to upset someone..but...doing the SAME thing more than once..that is a person who thinks their feelings are ultimately more important than yours..

Just my thoughts...
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #5  September 30,2010, 7:31am
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Yeah I have told him that it hurts my feelings. He says it was how he was raised (I have witnessed this first hand- love his family but wow, they say mean things to each other). He says he can't change, but if I tell him when it happens he will say sorry and try to figure out how to make it better. I am just so frustrated. I finally find a guy I really like, but then it doesn't seem like it will work out.

I enjoy joking around and can be quite sarcastic, but with people who are friends. Not for someone I am falling for. I want to be told sweet things...*sigh* I guess I kind of know what I need to do.
 
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Lovemy40s is offline Lovemy40s Post #6  September 30,2010, 7:41am

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I love good wit and sarcasm myself..I love to joke around with family/friends and had great fun when I used to be the only woman on shift in the fire department.....but there is a difference between this, and being mean and using humor to undermine someone else's self esteem or hurt them..That is the epitome of being passive aggressive...It's usually coming from someone who doesn't feel very good about themself..and tries to 'bring' the other person down to their level.

I am sorry that you are going through this having to make a choice...but it sounds like you know deep down this isn't a good relationship...

Truly caring and loving someone is about lifting them up, making them feel 'warm and fuzzy'.....I want people..even friends and family to feel better about themselves after they spend time with me, not worse...
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  September 30,2010, 7:42am
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beccaf87 wrote :
Yeah I have told him that it hurts my feelings. He says it was how he was raised (I have witnessed this first hand- love his family but wow, they say mean things to each other). He says he can't change, but if I tell him when it happens he will say sorry and try to figure out how to make it better. I am just so frustrated. I finally find a guy I really like, but then it doesn't seem like it will work out.

I enjoy joking around and can be quite sarcastic, but with people who are friends. Not for someone I am falling for. I want to be told sweet things...*sigh* I guess I kind of know what I need to do.
It's hard to tell from your posts whether you are being overly sensitive or he is being crass...
But generally speaking..if he sees and knows that this bothers you, and continues to defend his words and/or actions by saying:
"well..that's how I was raised"..to me that's an excuse and it shows a lack of empathy, feelings..toward you.

And, typically, that is not a good sign...especially, this early on.
Also, when someone say "they can't change".....that is them saying they are unwilling and closed-minded to the possibility of change...and that would be a mile high, blazing red flag, for me anyway.
good luck.
Last edited by TheThinker; September 30,2010 at 7:46am.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #8  September 30,2010, 8:43am
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Completely agree with post below. he is being verbally abusive and using excuses to justify it.
It's not the exact nature of what he says, it's that he continues relentlessly, despite knowing it upsets you
TheThinker wrote :
he sees and knows that this bothers you, and continues to defend his words and/or actions by saying:
"well..that's how I was raised"..to me that's an excuse and it shows a lack of empathy, feelings..toward you.

And, typically, that is not a good sign...especially, this early on.
Also, when someone say "they can't change".....that is them saying they are unwilling and closed-minded to the possibility of change...and that would be a mile high, blazing red flag, for me anyway.
good luck.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #9  September 30,2010, 9:23am
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Humour is an important part of our communications with others, and if it isn't shared then an important piece is missing.

Some families think it's acceptable to tease one another and/or make jokes at others' expense. Other families view that as a kind of passive aggression.

The problem is that when you say "Please don't tease me. It hurts my feelings" you invite the response "Why? Can't you take a joke?" So the responsibility is thrown back at the hurt person, not the person doing the hurting.

If a person repeatedly hurt my feelings and did not stop when he realized the effect he was having, I would end that relationship.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #10  September 30,2010, 9:30am
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I think it is time for you to move on. I understand that overall, he seems like a nce guy, but from what you shared, he seems rather immature, insensitive and a passive-agressive abuser. It is one thing to joke, but it's another to throw subtle insults at people.

Normal people with common sense and decency would not behave this way. Next, you will not be happy with this person in the long haul. You can't change nor control someone's behavior. All you can do is ask someone to respect your feelings. If said person refuses to honor your request, then you have the option to cease interactions and move forward.

Lastly, I think he did speak on a truth. I also believe you are settling and may feel that he is the only guy out there for you @ this moment. However, you do have choices and the capability to meet men who will give you the type of attention that you are seeking. You just have to believe it and put yourself out there to find him.

Think about your happiness and do the right thing.

B.Y.
 
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