star75 is offline star75 Post #1  September 29,2010, 6:30pm
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What are some of your opinions on taking it slow? I recently met a man who was divorced a little over a year ago after 20 years of marriage. (I have never been married). We have been out twice and I really felt as if we hit it off well. The last date we talked for hours and ended up getting somewhat physical but did not sleep together. He advised me at that time that his daughters were his priority, which i really respected and that he would probably only be available every other week to date.

My question is, we went out a week and a half ago, and although we have texted a few times, I have only talked to him once on the phone, three days ago when he called. I am trying to let him set the pace, as I really like him and don't want to scare him off. He asked me out again, not for THIS weekend, but for next weekend. So that's three weeks in between dates, and with only talking once a week, it just doesn't seem like he's that interested. I have let him know that I am interested, but like I said I don't want to scare him off so I am just trying to take it easy. Does this seem really slow to anyone else?
 
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imaliveandwell is offline imaliveandwell Post #2  September 29,2010, 7:27pm
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Well, I have been married (I was with my ex for umteen years) and I've been divorced for nearly 4 years now. This seems extremely slow to me. How old are the daughters? I have a little one and while parenting is time consuming, it just seems this is a little extreme to me.

To me, there would be red flags everywhere, and presumably to you too, since you started this thread. It sounds like he may have his interest spread a little too thin.

With regards to letting him set the pace, poppycock! You have to set boundaries that reflect what it is you want and what is acceptable to you. And, if that makes him run off, then maybe he's not the match you originally thought he was.

JMHO

Best of luck to you!
 
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annother is offline annother Post #3  September 29,2010, 7:56pm
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If he is corresponding with you and continues to seem interested, I would cut him some slack. When someone is back into dating after a long relationship, it takes a while to get one's bearings.

Yes, he may be seeing other people, but he also may just be trying to fit dating into the rest of his life. Give him some time to sort things out. It's a little slow, but sometimes that's ok.

Maybe when you know a little more about his circumstances you will be in a better position to decide what that slowness means, if it means anything.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  September 29,2010, 8:20pm
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If you really like him you can hang in there and see how the third date goes. But don't limit yourself... keep looking and accepting dates with others. Waiting on Mr. Pokey will result in a lot of dateless nights for you otherwise.

Also, if you want more contact, initiate it. He was the last one to call... perhaps he thinks it's your turn. And by Mr. Lion's rules (which I don't necessarily subscribe to, but they represent one male's views), YOU should be setting up this next date.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #5  September 29,2010, 9:53pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
If you really like him you can hang in there and see how the third date goes. But don't limit yourself... keep looking and accepting dates with others. Waiting on Mr. Pokey will result in a lot of dateless nights for you otherwise.

Also, if you want more contact, initiate it. He was the last one to call... perhaps he thinks it's your turn. And by Mr. Lion's rules (which I don't necessarily subscribe to, but they represent one male's views), YOU should be setting up this next date.
I agree with this.^ Good points.
 
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star75 is offline star75 Post #6  September 30,2010, 2:32am
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Thank you for your responses. In answer to your questions, he has three daughters, 10 year old twins and an 8 year old. He has 50/50 custody so he has them quite a bit through the week. Also i should probably mention he works 12 hour shifts at his job on the days he doesn't have the girls. I also go to school two nights a week after work so we are both pretty busy, but it just seems like this wasn't stopping him from calling before. Ever since the second date he has seemed less interested, although during that date we went to dinner then back to his place and talked for over 5 hours, and it didn't seem like he wanted me to leave.

I guess my main issue is I do really like him, and would be willing to do the whole "every other week" thing if I knew he thought this would actually go somewhere. But of course I feel it's too early to question this after just two dates. So for now I'm kinda in the wait and see mode I guess. I do agree with not putting my life on hold and continuing to date others, so i may continue to do that.

Thanks for all of the advice guys!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  September 30,2010, 6:40am
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He does seem to have a pretty filled up life and you are coming after most everything else.

For me this would be moving too slow as I want to be with the person I am dating a bit more often than just every other week. I think that if you are serious about someone some type of communication every day or every other day basis may be expected.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  September 30,2010, 8:47am
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Agree with above posts, for whatever reason, he does not make time for you. Once in 3 weeks? Is that a "relationship"?
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #9  September 30,2010, 9:06am
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I would say that he is likely not interested in getting back into another long term committed relationship so quickly after a divorce. He probably wants time to see what's out there, so to speak.

As for him telling you that his daughters are his priority, that's a red flag! Children are important and should be 'A' priority, but that doesn't mean everything else gets a back-burner.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #10  September 30,2010, 9:15am
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star75 wrote :
What are some of your opinions on taking it slow? I recently met a man who was divorced a little over a year ago after 20 years of marriage. (I have never been married). We have been out twice and I really felt as if we hit it off well. The last date we talked for hours and ended up getting somewhat physical but did not sleep together. He advised me at that time that his daughters were his priority, which i really respected and that he would probably only be available every other week to date.

My question is, we went out a week and a half ago, and although we have texted a few times, I have only talked to him once on the phone, three days ago when he called. I am trying to let him set the pace, as I really like him and don't want to scare him off. He asked me out again, not for THIS weekend, but for next weekend. So that's three weeks in between dates, and with only talking once a week, it just doesn't seem like he's that interested. I have let him know that I am interested, but like I said I don't want to scare him off so I am just trying to take it easy. Does this seem really slow to anyone else?
You've never been married..and he has...for twenty years before his divorce.
That's enough of a reason, IMO, for him wanting to take it slow, but also the fact that you haven't walked in his shoes, so to speak could very well explain why you are having a hard time understanding his POV.

Try to schedule a time when you know you can talk to him, one-on-one(no phone call) and see if you can come up with a compromise between his needs, and yours. Many times stuff like this is simply a lack of communication...
When I have my son, yeah, he's a priority, but that doesn't mean I push all contact attempts away from someone I like.

He has shared custody...which is more about getting into a routine, after being married for so long.
Once he settles in, most likely he'll have babysitters on standby, so he can go out more, even when he has the kids.
But, at first it is hard to juggle all of that, because he has to get a routine first...which he may not have down yet.

Like I said, its hard for you to understand all that because you've never been married or divorced(and I'm guessing) you don't have kids...and that's going to be learning process for you, as well.
Last edited by TheThinker; September 30,2010 at 9:57am. Reason: clarity
 
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