Are you too difficult to date?


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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #1  September 29,2010, 9:43am
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After being on this site for a short period of time, I am curious in knowing if we as a people are simply too difficult to date? Are we truely reasonable with our expectations? If so, what do our prospective dates and future significant others going to get in return? Are we fishing for faults eagerily waiting to referee our potential dates? Are we even worth all of the effort we expect our dates to invest in us?

Can we be honest with ourselves and admit that we have just as many faults and flaws as the people we are trying to avoid?

Lastly, will we ever find that "perfect" person to date, get into a relationship and ultimately marry and live blissfully ever after?

B.Y.
Last edited by BabyYoda; September 29,2010 at 10:37am.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  September 29,2010, 9:57am
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I've asked myself this question over and over again. My standards have risen the older I get. On the other hand, I would not tolerate many things that I would tolerate in my youth. Even so, the basics such as : Good manners, dependability, attentiveness, credit worthiness, can be difficult to find, and for those of us who have been around the block a time or two, we know that rushing into relationships can be disastrous. Best to do your due diligence first.

By the way I enjoy your posts. Nice to find a reasonable, intelligent person on board. Don't let the naysayers get to you.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #3  September 29,2010, 10:20am
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BabyYoda wrote :
After being on this site for a short period of time, I am curious in knowing of we as a people are simply too difficult to date? Are we truely reasonable with our expectations? If so, what do our prospective dates and future significant others going to get in return? Are we fishing for faults eagerily waiting to referee our potential dates? Are we even worth all of the effort we expect our dates to invest in us?

Can we be honest with ourselves and admit that we have just as many faults and flaws as the people we are trying to avoid?

Lastly, will we ever find that "perfect" person to date, get into a relationship and ultimately marry and live blissfully ever after?

B.Y.
Some people are and some aren't. I can't speak for anyone else. I would say that I am very giving, so I am not difficult to date at all. I have many faults and flaws, but I am still absolutely worth the effort. I was never looking for a "perfect" person, simply one who lived up to my standards and made me feel as though I can be exactly myself and have that be enough. Now we are just working on the blissfully ever after. So far so good.
 
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StPaulGirl is offline StPaulGirl Post #4  September 29,2010, 10:23am
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From the title, I expected you to be bringing up a different topic

I often fear that I am too busy to date. I find it extremely difficult to balance dating with an active enough social life to stay interesting enough to date, a successful enough career to stay liquid enough to date and a good enough sleep schedule to stay alert enough to date.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #5  September 29,2010, 10:32am
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Well, I was recently told (and I quote), "You're really easy-going... That says a lot about a person in my book." The guy went on to tell me that I'm the most laid-back person he's been around. So, if you're asking if we think we're too stringent and demanding to find a suitable partner, well, I don't find it to be true in my case, at least. I'm in no rush to find the "perfect mate." As you suggested, I don't really think a "perfect mate" exists.


I once wrote:

"Personally, my philosophy on dating is very simple: find someone you like who you're compatible with and settle down. I don't believe in a "One True Love," and I think a lot of people kinda screw themselves by searching for that "perfect love." Maybe it's naive, but I think if you find someone you really like, who you're sexually and emotionally compatible with (i.e., you don't hate the things the other loves), you can grow to love the other person. If you've got mutual respect, and the ability to compromise, I don't know what else a relationship really needs."
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #6  September 29,2010, 10:45am
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Alli824 wrote :
I've asked myself this question over and over again. My standards have risen the older I get. On the other hand, I would not tolerate many things that I would tolerate in my youth. Even so, the basics such as : Good manners, dependability, attentiveness, credit worthiness, can be difficult to find, and for those of us who have been around the block a time or two, we know that rushing into relationships can be disastrous. Best to do your due diligence first.

By the way I enjoy your posts. Nice to find a reasonable, intelligent person on board. Don't let the naysayers get to you.
I don't think there is anything wrong with having standards. We all should have standards and never settle for mediocrity. But, I am also someone who feels that we can possibly have standards that are unattainable. We will never meet someone who will meet and/or exceed all of our expectations.

Also, there is no gurantee that the person we date and/or get into relationships with will receive the benefits of our awesomeness. LOL
So, with that being said, there has to be some sort of balance where we have high enough standards to not accept dunnage, but also be reasonable enough to allow people to be people. We simply will not find anyone devoid of issues, problems, mistakes etc. It boils down to how we handle said problems as well as what direction we will take as well as learn form those issues, problems and mistakes.

In all, I agree with your sentiments. Thanks for the kind words btw.

B.Y.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #7  September 29,2010, 10:51am
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suzyblueeyes wrote :
Some people are and some aren't. I can't speak for anyone else. I would say that I am very giving, so I am not difficult to date at all. I have many faults and flaws, but I am still absolutely worth the effort. I was never looking for a "perfect" person, simply one who lived up to my standards and made me feel as though I can be exactly myself and have that be enough. Now we are just working on the blissfully ever after. So far so good.
For those who are difficult to date, do you think they know that they are difficult to date? Who do you know would admit that they may be a lil too much to deal with? Isn't it up to the person one is dating to decide whether someone is difficult to deal with or not? Just wondering??

As for having standards, I agree with you. But, like the aformentioned questions in the last paragraph, who is to say that your standards or worth has any value(not saying that it doesn't btw..)to the person you are dating?

I have read many threads and people claim to not expect perfection, but I am not so sure if I believe people anymore. Seems like people are quick to state what they want and don't want but rarely share what someone will get in return. So, I want to know if someone was to meet and/or exceed your expectations and live up to "your standards", what will he receive in return? Is there a gurantee that he will receive the benefits being in your prescence?

B.Y.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #8  September 29,2010, 10:57am
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StPaulGirl wrote :
From the title, I expected you to be bringing up a different topic

I often fear that I am too busy to date. I find it extremely difficult to balance dating with an active enough social life to stay interesting enough to date, a successful enough career to stay liquid enough to date and a good enough sleep schedule to stay alert enough to date.
I bring up all kinds of topics. I try to stay relevant to the theme of the board which is dating/relationships.

If you feel that you don't have time to date due to your busy and active lifestyle, then why are you dating? Don't you agree that you get what you put into something? If you really want to date, then wouldn't it be reasonable to set aside time to date? Not saying that you don't do this, but just commenting on your self reflection.

I think you should stay busy and not have too much idle time. Time is of the essence and there are things that need to be taken care of. If you don't do it, then it won't get done. I get that and understand that. But, if you simply lack time to invest in someone, then you certainly would understand if someone doesn't invest too much time in you as well right?

B.Y.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #9  September 29,2010, 11:00am
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chimerical wrote :
Well, I was recently told (and I quote), "You're really easy-going... That says a lot about a person in my book." The guy went on to tell me that I'm the most laid-back person he's been around. So, if you're asking if we think we're too stringent and demanding to find a suitable partner, well, I don't find it to be true in my case, at least. I'm in no rush to find the "perfect mate." As you suggested, I don't really think a "perfect mate" exists.
Good to read. Yes, there is no such thing as a perfect mate. There is also no human being who is devoid of problems, issues, emotion, and will consistently meet and/or exceed our wildest dreams. He or she may exist in the movies, or in a magazine or play or book, but in real life, nada! lol


wrote :
I once wrote:

"Personally, my philosophy on dating is very simple: find someone you like who you're compatible with and settle down. I don't believe in a "One True Love," and I think a lot of people kinda screw themselves by searching for that "perfect love." Maybe it's naive, but I think if you find someone you really like, who you're sexually and emotionally compatible with (i.e., you don't hate the things the other loves), you can grow to love the other person. If you've got mutual respect, and the ability to compromise, I don't know what else a relationship really needs."
I could subcribe to this..

B.Y.
Last edited by BabyYoda; September 29,2010 at 11:10am.
 
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claire09 is offline claire09 Post #10  September 29,2010, 11:02am
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Honest question. It all depends. I was just in a relationship with someone who was hard to date. Not because he was a bad person, but he was not ready to move on from old baggage that he'd been carrying from his past relationships. He had not yet learned the lesson that you never get 100% of what you want within a relationship. But, as long as you have two people who 1) are ready to work through the issues 2) ready to open themselves to be vulnerable and 3) open to faults in others he became difficult to date. I recognized this (unfortunately too late) and realized that he still had to learn lessons that I had already become aware of in my own life. In my humble opinion, people are hard to date when they constantly want the fantasy of a relationship, but not also ready, willing and able to deal with its challenges. Their expectations are too high when they refuse to see the person sitting across from them as another human being and not a concept or an idea. I say, if you are this person then perhaps you need some deep deep reflection within yourself to find out who you truly are before moving on to the next relationship.
 
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