Restraining Order... Dealbreaker?!!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  September 29,2010, 6:55am
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Okay, I am truly convinced there is something to be said about people who can maintain positive relationships with their exes. I know it's not always possible, and not all relationships end on the best of terms, but I think it sure makes moving into another relationship easier! Or, maybe that should be a red flag... but, if a guy you have already scheduled a meeting with, tells you that he had to get a restraining order against his ex (they are in the process of divorce)... would that be more than a red flag?!

Would you still meet with him as planned?

Oh, and he seemed perfectly normal other than believing he has a psycho ex wife... does that say anything, or send red flags as well?

curious about your thoughts...
 
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FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #2  September 29,2010, 7:00am
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He is not responsible for the actions of his ex, but I would watch to see if he fans the flames of the situation. What is she doing that requires legal action?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  September 29,2010, 7:08am
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A bitter divorce battle is a red flag in and of itself, as is his referring to his ex as a psycho. That he initiated a restraining order indicates at least a few things:
1)He has poor judgment in women
2) He cannot get along with people civilly
3) He is vindictive
4) If she is that unstable, it may be your tires that get slashed!
"Red Flag" is the understatement here.
Also, laying this on you is just weird, and recruiting you in his courtroom drama and battle.
Steer clear of this, it takes two to tango.
By the way, he is legally married to the so-called "psycho" until he is divorced and this sounds like it's going to be a long drawn out process.
jussmile wrote :
if a guy you have already scheduled a meeting with, tells you that he had to get a restraining order against his ex (they are in the process of divorce)... would that be more than a red flag?!

Oh, and he seemed perfectly normal other than believing he has a psycho ex wife... does that say anything, or send red flags as well?

curious about your thoughts...
Last edited by Wiseman2; September 29,2010 at 7:16am.
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #4  September 29,2010, 7:10am
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The red flag for me would be "in the process of divorce". Even a good divorce is emotionally exhausting. I'm not emotionally equipped to support some one through that. I need the divorce to be final.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #5  September 29,2010, 7:20am
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charmed59 wrote :
The red flag for me would be "in the process of divorce". Even a good divorce is emotionally exhausting. I'm not emotionally equipped to support some one through that. I need the divorce to be final.
yeah, normally for me, I like the divorce to be final. I actually read a thread here, that opened me up to the possibilities of dating someone "in process." So, that is not as much of a red flag... just a tinted pink one.

What I was concerned about is that if this woman is so psycho... maybe that puts me in danger? I've never been in a situation like this before, and typically date people on good terms with their exes, or who have no communication or contact with them. Wasn't quite sure if I should cancel the meeting.

He does seem like a sweetheart, so was thinking about still going... just cutting it short just to see if there was anything there.

We haven't even met yet, just emails and phone conversations.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  September 29,2010, 7:31am
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i dont really care about that kind of stuff. i'd still meet them. i'm just assuming that anyone that would meet a person like this would take an ample amount of time to get to know the person.... i mean, really get to know them before even considering getting serious.

so yeah. i would definitely meet them.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #7  September 29,2010, 7:51am
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No. It isn't nor should it be a deal breaker. It is being smart and not taking the law into one's own hands as well as allowing the justice system to work in one's favor.

What I find disturbing is someone who is quick to judge wihout fully understanding the situation. If someone was assaulted, threatened and/or had his/her property damaged by an ex, then he/she should get the law involved instead of retaliating and causing more trouble. Also, it seems like a double standard to flag men for doing the right thing yet if a woman is in an abusive relationship and got a restraining order for whatever reason, then she is courageous, brave and will receive all sorts of empathy, support, etc.

If anything, being judgmental is a huge red flag. Says more about the person doing the judging than the person being judged.

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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #8  September 29,2010, 7:56am

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Wiseman2 wrote :
A bitter divorce battle is a red flag in and of itself, as is his referring to his ex as a psycho. That he initiated a restraining order could indicate at least a few things:
1)He has poor judgment in women
2) He cannot get along with people civilly
3) He is vindictive
4) If she is that unstable, it may be your tires that get slashed!
"Red Flag" is the understatement here.
Also, laying this on you is just weird, and recruiting you in his courtroom drama and battle.
Steer clear of this, it takes two to tango.
By the way, he is legally married to the so-called "psycho" until he is divorced and this sounds like it's going to be a long drawn out process.
Fixed that for you.

I was married at 19, are you really going to hold my choice in people against me 23 years later?

As someone who divorced a psycho, it is the combination of not being divorced yet and the psycho that is bad. I had a FWB during my divorce and even then it was stressful on him. Probably cause we were actual friends, it was strange, I digress. There is a lot of collateral damage divorcing a psycho I would stay away if I were you. If you really think there is potential perhaps pen pals until he is really ready to date.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #9  September 29,2010, 8:05am
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BabyYoda wrote :
If anything, being judgmental is a huge red flag. Says more about the person doing the judging than the person being judged.
I don't understand... who is judging?

I don't think anyone is judging. There is a lot of emotional trauma that goes into a situation like this, just as if a female was the one getting a restraining order. I could very well see people giving the same types of advice, to not date them until they can get the drama out of their lives.

That sounds like good, reasonable advice to me. Not necessarily advice that I follow, just because you have to consider each situation and what you would want to do in each situation, but, definitely has logic... without judgement IMO.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #10  September 29,2010, 8:07am
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
As someone who divorced a psycho, it is the combination of not being divorced yet and the psycho that is bad. I had a FWB during my divorce and even then it was stressful on him. Probably cause we were actual friends, it was strange, I digress. There is a lot of collateral damage divorcing a psycho I would stay away if I were you. If you really think there is potential perhaps pen pals until he is really ready to date.
This is one of the things I've been thinking about... even if he had complete reason to get the restraining order, there is obviously a lot going on in his life right now. Although he believes he is ready to date, and venture into another lasting relationship... as the saying goes... maybe he should get his house in order first.
 
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