Would really appreciate input on ending something that has been really, really nice...and hurtful, too


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NCWOMAN is offline NCWOMAN Post #1  September 28,2010, 1:07pm
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So, I've been seeing a man for a couple of months now. From the get go, I thought he was great. He's smart, funny, handsome...he kind of felt like home. He was the first guy I've dated (since my late husband died several years ago) who made me think - wow!

When we are together things are great. We both have a good time, lots of laughs and interesting conversation. But...there are gaps of time when there is no communication. I'll send an email and get no response. I'll text and it'll take him til the next day to respond. For example, we talked Sunday, texted a bit yesterday morning, I sent him a brief lighthearted email yesterday morning...and nothing. The biggest issue is that he is still going online (Match) at least twice a day. I have hidden my profile - did that just after we had started emailing. At the time, I was talking to him and another guy and honestly, there just wasn't anyone else there that interested me (I live in a fairly isolated area). A good friend of mine told me that he was still frequently online, and I've checked it..like clockwork, before and after work. I've known this for a few weeks and have just tried to be cool about it, haven't said anything, but it is now impossible to ignore. We don't have an exclusive arrangement, though he has told me he isn't seeing anyone else. FWIW, I don't really think he is seeing anyone else, but he is clearly still perusing the cereal aisle.

The long and short of it is that I am pretty miserable. I am starting to have real feelings for him, but this isn't fun...the sporadic communication coupled with the knowledge that he continues to be active in his Match account. I've decided that I need to tell him that I can't continue. No ultimatums. I want someone in my life who doesn't leave an evening with me and the moment he gets home, is looking online.

This is so hard...to have feelings for someone who doesn't seem to be on the same page as you. Have any of you had to deal with a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to hearing from you....
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  September 28,2010, 1:18pm
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You know some guys are not email/text people so they rarely reply or they dont have it rule their lives.

It also could be part of the game where if you respomd to soon you come off as desperate.

If you have been with him a couple months why havent you had the exclusivity talk yet?
 
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charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #3  September 28,2010, 1:23pm
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Have the "Do you want to be exclusive?" talk. If he says no, you can decide if you are willing to watch him continue perusing the cereal aisle. If not you can walk away. But at least then he would know why.

I'm in a relationship. I'm very happy in the relationship. I do still log into eHarmony to see my sweetie's profile, just because it's so cute. If he looked he would see I'm viewing him. It might look suspicious that I'm on there.

I log into match.com, though I am no longer a member, occasionally to look up people for a friend who is on match.com. If you don't log out of match, it shows you as active, even though it's in the background on your machine. I remember once, before I hid my profile, when I hadn't looked on match in a week and a friend, who I was sitting with, pulled it up and it showed I was online right then.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #4  September 28,2010, 1:25pm
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It's funny--I had the exact same situation with a man earlier this year. We'd been seeing each other for 4 months, communication was sporadic, and he was still checking his Match.com, although he told me he wasn't dating anyone else (he was "just looking around"). I planned to sit down and have a talk the next time we saw each other. I thought it was reasonable to say, "Look, this is what I'm looking for in a relationship: X, Y, and Z. I like what we have, but if it can't be X, Y, and Z, I'm afraid I'm going to have to move on." Give him a chance to change (if he wants to) or say goodbye if he doesn't. Not an ultimatum, really, just a clear communication of expectations.

Well, it turned out, next time I saw him, he initiated the conversation. Said he liked what we had, but he needed a break, etc. etc. And we broke up.

So, I didn't really have the chance to take the initiative.

But what I learned was, if you're getting the feeling that he's not that into you... He's probably not that into you. Have a conversation about it if you need to, but walk in there planning on walking out alone.

Sorry it didn't work for you.
 
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NCWOMAN is offline NCWOMAN Post #5  September 28,2010, 1:54pm
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I would be curious to know if any of you think I should mention that I'm aware of the whole Match cereal aisle thing?
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #6  September 28,2010, 2:02pm
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NCWOMAN wrote :
I would be curious to know if any of you think I should mention that I'm aware of the whole Match cereal aisle thing?
No I don't. As a matter of fact, it isn't in your place to do so until you and this man are exclusive. Then, at that point, if he is still on match, I would question is motives. Until then, you have to accept the fact that he is still a free agent and there are no gurantees that either of you will become a couple. Besides, you are still on match checking on him. Who is to say that you are not receiving emails from other men? At least that would be his argument should you bring up his match activity.

I am also curious in knowing if you even met this person yet? If you have, then why are you still emailing him? That is what I think is odd. Once phone numbers are exchanged, then it should be phone calls or texts unless emailing each other from a desk at work.

I haven't been in your situation because I already told myself that anyone that I communicate with is a free agent and I have no right to question their reasons for being online.

Hope everything works out for you.

B.Y.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #7  September 28,2010, 2:05pm
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BabyYoda wrote :
I am also curious in knowing if you even met this person yet? If you have, then why are you still emailing him? That is what I think is odd. Once phone numbers are exchanged, then it should be phone calls or texts unless emailing each other from a desk at work.
It is obvious from the OP that she has met him:

NCWOMAN wrote :
When we are together things are great. We both have a good time, lots of laughs and interesting conversation.
Plenty of people use a variety of methods of communication to talk--text, phone, email, IM, etc. There's nothing odd about that.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  September 28,2010, 2:05pm
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No I wouldn't mention it. You haven't made an exclusivity pact with each other, so he's not doing anything wrong, even though it hurts you.

I do think it's a good idea to tell him that you want an exclusive relationship and ask what he wants. No need to walk away without having checked that out! For all you know, he wants it too.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #9  September 28,2010, 2:08pm
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NCWOMAN wrote :
I would be curious to know if any of you think I should mention that I'm aware of the whole Match cereal aisle thing?
If you can mention it in a non-accusatory way, why not? But it's possible that it's a technical malfunction, so you don't want to sound like you've freaked out over nothing if he turns out (somehow) to not actually be checking it... Match.com sometimes registers that you've "logged in" even if you just open an email from their site, or forget to log out once.

So, you may want to hold off on that until you've asked a little more delicately about whether he wants to be exclusive.
 
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NCWOMAN is offline NCWOMAN Post #10  September 28,2010, 2:12pm
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We most definitely have met...have been seeing one another for a couple of months. Emails are sent during working hours, and only as the mood strikes.
 
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