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silkygirl is offline silkygirl Post #1  September 27,2010, 8:26am
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I divorced earlier this year and started dating an old flame a few months ago. In the beginning it was clear he wanted intimacy and we did after 2 dates. I am able to see him every other weekend as I have kids.

The problem is that a week or two go by without hearing from him and then he will text me at the last minute (like on Friday) to go out that weekend. I hate texting and think it is inappropriate to ask for a date that way. Is he using me?
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  September 27,2010, 8:36am
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uh oh ..... I am not the best person to put it diplomatically, but, I think you already know the answer.

No communication for a week or two, and one text and you are with him. I would not call those a date ..... I am sorry this is happening to you.

I would move on as you seem to be getting nothing out of this relationship, based on what and how you wrote it.

This has nothing with the texting, but everything with not keeping in touch, and not even having a basic relationship, especially if you have known him and he is an old flame.

I would personally never ever not be in touch with a person for a week or two and then ask for a *cough* date at the last minute for a weekend and keep doing it. That is not dating.

I am about to go for a date this weekend, and I am hoping that she calls today, and I want to talk to her, and hope that she feels the same way. No call and/or no communication between dates, for me is being used and results on no more dates.

I hope I am not being too harsh, but I tried to formulate it as kindly as I could while passing the message on.

I am sure others will chime in very soon, if not already did so
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  September 27,2010, 8:49am
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Very well and (diplomatically) said below. Some would refer to this as "booty call"
Goomph wrote :
uh oh ..... I am not the best person to put it diplomatically, but, I think you already know the answer.
No communication for a week or two, and one text and you are with him. I would not call those a date ..... I am sorry this is happening to you.
I would move on as you seem to be getting nothing out of this relationship, based on what and how you wrote it.
This has nothing with the texting, but everything with not keeping in touch, and not even having a basic relationship, especially if you have known him and he is an old flame.
I would personally never ever not be in touch with a person for a week or two and then ask for a *cough* date at the last minute for a weekend and keep doing it. That is not dating.
I am about to go for a date this weekend, and I am hoping that she calls today, and I want to talk to her, and hope that she feels the same way. No call and/or no communication between dates, for me is being used and results on no more dates.
I hope I am not being too harsh, but I tried to formulate it as kindly as I could while passing the message on.
I am sure others will chime in very soon, if not already did so
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  September 27,2010, 8:51am
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Hi silky girl and welcome to EHA!

From your description it sounds like it's a Friends with Benefits (FWB) situation -- occasional meet-ups that include physical intimacy, but not much else. Is that how it seems to you?

Since you're going along with what he's doing, I'd say no, he's not using you. If you want more of a relationship with him, or a different method of communication, or more frequent meetings, or whatever -- you could bring that up and see what he says.
 
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silkygirl is offline silkygirl Post #5  September 27,2010, 9:49am
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Re my new to group with question: he did take me on a five day vacation in another state and we got along great! Then he did not call me for 2 weeks!

At first I thought our arrangement would work for me but no contact inbetween dates seems weird. Recently I saw a bag with a huge box of condoms in his kitchen and I wonder if he is sleeping with other women.

He is not someone I'd marry however he has quite a status/image in the city where I live. I thought I would go out with him so I could possibly meet other men but have found out that his friends would not dare go behind his back to ask me out.

So basically what do I get from him? Dinner and bad sex. Comments please.
 
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WA_hiker is offline WA_hiker Post #6  September 27,2010, 9:52am
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silkygirl wrote :
He is not someone I'd marry however he has quite a status/image in the city where I live. I thought I would go out with him so I could possibly meet other men but have found out that his friends would not dare go behind his back to ask me out.

So basically what do I get from him? Dinner and bad sex. Comments please.
Keep digging. You haven't hit the main gold deposit yet.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  September 27,2010, 9:53am
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Who is "using" who here!?
silkygirl wrote :
He is not someone I'd marry however he has quite a status/image in the city where I live. I thought I would go out with him so I could possibly meet other men but have found out that his friends would not dare go behind his back to ask me out.
So basically what do I get from him? Dinner and bad sex. Comments please.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  September 27,2010, 9:53am
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Really? You only went out with him in the hopes of meeting other high-status men?

Isn't that a form of using him? If yes, then ... well, users get used, right?

Or are you just kind of angry at him, and venting here?
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #9  September 27,2010, 9:56am
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silkygirl wrote :
I divorced earlier this year and started dating an old flame a few months ago. In the beginning it was clear he wanted intimacy and we did after 2 dates. I am able to see him every other weekend as I have kids.

The problem is that a week or two go by without hearing from him and then he will text me at the last minute (like on Friday) to go out that weekend. I hate texting and think it is inappropriate to ask for a date that way. Is he using me?
He could be using you or you may be a booty call. I am curious in knowing why did you decide to get re-involved with an old flame? What split the both of you up in the first place? Depending on the answer should tell you if he has changed or not.

If you don't like texting, then you should tell him to call you if he wants to speak with you. I am sure this shouldn't be too difficult since you are already familiar with his personality/mannerisms.

B.Y.
 
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silkygirl is offline silkygirl Post #10  September 27,2010, 9:57am
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I really didn't mean new men but new friends; I've been married for 11 years and have been out of the circuit.
 
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