When to reveal you were former fatty


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Pox2010 is offline Pox2010 Post #1  September 25,2010, 7:31pm
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To jump right into it, I have been overweight for pretty much my whole life. As much as people say being overweight doesn't affect your dating life, it does. So, I've only had one bf and that was way back in the day. I've since lost all the excess weight. I'm now talking to someone I met online, and we're fairly interested in each other. He's seen my current pictures, he likes that I'm accomplished and my personality, but seems confused about my lack of past relationships.

I don't want to blame it all on my weight, but mostly weight and self-esteem issues, I just don't know when is a good time to reveal my struggle. I don't know if there is some sort of stigma...anyway that's basically my question

Thanks!
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #2  September 25,2010, 8:36pm
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First off, you should see your weight loss as a boon, not a flaw. You underwent a journey of self-betterment that was wildly successful. You should be proud of that accomplishment.

As for your lack of relationships, it really doesn't matter. Usually, during the initial dating process, you should restrain from talking about former bf/gfs. Its actually easy, when you don't have much to discuss. When it comes time to talk about it, you should be comfortable enough to reveal that you've had minimal experience, which i can almost guarantee will not be a hindrance to dating.
 
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lani5 is offline lani5 Post #3  September 25,2010, 9:00pm
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I am in exactly the same predicament. I've had very few dating experiences after my divorce because of weight issues. I also recently lost a lot of weight and have begun dating.

I have decided not to say anything right away because it does not define who I am or what I am working towards to be a healthier individual.

If the relationship progresses, I might mention it. I agree with Dafearon be proud of your hard work and and all the effort you put into changing your life. When the time is right and you feel ready, you will know what to say.

Congratulations!
 
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RebornInFire is offline RebornInFire Post #4  September 25,2010, 9:43pm
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Is it crass for me to say I'm envious of women who have lost a lot of weight and their subsequent experience? Society still expects men to be the pursuer, so women are used to taking a back seat and have the men come to them. Of course when you are unattractive, that won't happen. But some women become very striking when they slim down, and I see it stated many times..aka.."I lost a lot of weight after the divorce and I'm dating again".

Compare this to the man who slimmed down--time and again you will see men complain that even though they lost weight, their dating lives are still as futile.

Take pride in the fact you lost weight...it took a lot of personal strength. But it is probably best not to mention it early on--some men (and women) will be fearful that as soon as the ring is slipped down their partner will balloon up again.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  September 25,2010, 10:25pm
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I don't think you need to talk about anything you feel private about with a guy you only know via the internet. Later on when you've met and are starting to establish a relationship, you can talk about private things. (Or, if this is a long-distance match and you won't be meeting for a long time, wait until you feel established.)

It's not really a good idea to go into a lot of detail on relationship history very early on, no matter what that history is. With your history, you could say something like "I have had 1 serious bf and that's it." and not explain it. Many many people have only had 1 serious relationship.

Why would this be "confusing" to anyone, as you say he is? Have you been kind of dancing around the issue? Just be straight, but don't go into a lot of detail. Good luck!
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #6  September 26,2010, 4:58am
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I was always thin my entire life, but gained weight in my bad marriage. And after I left my ex in December last year, I went on a big diet/exercise plan. So I quickly dropped from a size 16/18 to my current size 8/10 (still losing), and at first I told the men I went out with, and while they didn't seem worried/etc, there were a lot of questions about how much more I wanted to lose, how I lost it, etc. I felt like they were worried I might put it back on if I didn't continue to work out, diet and all of that. But that didn't stop them from dating me, so who knows?

Now I don't tell the men about my weight loss in such specific terms. I just say, "after I got back into shape" or something like that. The details aren't their business. They know I work out, they know I eat healthy, and that's enough for the early stages of dating. Maybe a few months in I'll bring up my weight loss, but I don't consider it relevant to my dating life, so who knows? I guess I'll bring it up if it comes up organically in the conversation if the topic goes to diet, etc.
 
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Pox2010 is offline Pox2010 Post #7  September 26,2010, 5:18am
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I guess for me, I haven't quite gotten used to the new me. I'm shy and not used to getting attention. So being overweight is still very much a part of me, even though I'm no longer overweight....does that make sense? It explains my behavior to a degree.

Until recently, I was buying clothes that were way to big for me, because my perception hadn't quite caught up with reality.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  September 26,2010, 5:38am
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RebornInFire wrote :
But it is probably best not to mention it early on--some men (and women) will be fearful that as soon as the ring is slipped down their partner will balloon up again.
Sassafras54 wrote :
I don't think you need to talk about anything you feel private about with a guy you only know via the internet. Later on when you've met and are starting to establish a relationship, you can talk about private things.

It's not really a good idea to go into a lot of detail on relationship history very early on, no matter what that history is. With your history, you could say something like "I have had 1 serious bf and that's it." and not explain it.

I agree with these posts.

If is possible to meet sooner, I would. If it goes nowhere for whatever reason, you'll avoid having to ever get into the subject. If he likes you, you at least get to establish that before getting into the question. Online, it does seem that people mostly focus on the problems of someone.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  September 26,2010, 7:07am
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When you resolve feeling this way, in time... this won't be an issue
Pox2010 wrote :
. So being overweight is still very much a part of me, even though I'm no longer overweight....does that make sense? I
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  September 26,2010, 7:08am
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There are a few different angles to this OP that are not revealed.
1. If you considered yourself overweight because you did not look like a fashion model and lost 10 pounds then there is no reason to mention this at all.

2. If you were morbidly obese and have lost a couple of hundred pounds then it is going to be pretty evident in the tautness or lack thereof of your skin.

3. If you lost your weight through surgical means this is something you should address.

4. If your weight caused medical conditions this is something that you need to address.
 
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