heartandsoulight is offline heartandsoulight Post #1  September 23,2010, 8:47pm
heartandsouli…'s Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2010

Charlotte

Posts: 14

See profile

so here is the story. We met up several times and have strong chemistry...and we have kissed....he calls me babe...writes every day..calls and text...but the last two times we had a pre-planned date, he canceled because his daughter and wanted to go to the mall so something stupid. His excuse is she comes first. Twice this happens. Do I dare see him again?
 
  Reply With Quote
chimerical is offline chimerical Post #2  September 23,2010, 8:58pm
chimerical's Avatar

is an albino axolotl.

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2009

Arkansas

Posts: 4,154

See profile

Nope. He needs to learn how to put his life first sometimes. His daughter is injured? She comes first. She wants to hang out when he has other plans? He comes first.

Surely she could've gotten a ride from a friend if she'd really needed to.

You will always come second to her slightest whim with this man. I suggest you move on.
 
  Reply With Quote
curlybonce is offline curlybonce Post #3  September 23,2010, 8:59pm
curlybonce's Avatar

has her lead foot down on the accelerator

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2010

BC, Canada

Posts: 1,921

See profile

My personal experience is the kids always come first. If you're Ok being some # after that, then see him. Again, personally, I'm not good at being last.
 
  Reply With Quote
liquid_steel is offline liquid_steel Post #4  September 23,2010, 9:12pm

Friendly banter welcome...

Pacesetter

Joined: Jun 2010

Posts: 254

See profile

So, this has happened twice? He's cancelled a date with you for a spontaneous trip to the mall (or similar) with his daughter saying, "My daughter comes first?" Well, he seems consistent with his words: his daughter comes first. Meaning, he will continue to break his plans with you for her for any reason she gives. This could go on for years.

So you've expressed your frustration and his answer is: "My daughter comes first."

Do you really want to pursue a relationship like that?

Continue your search for men who prioritize dating and at least follow-through on their plans with you. It's one thing for a father to break a date to deal with an emergency with his child (understandably!); quite another when he allows his child to pull his strings any time they choose.

It's no secret that children strongly prefer their parent's undivided attention, so it's likely she will continue to try. And, it's likely he will continue to put her first each time she tries.
 
  Reply With Quote
AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  September 23,2010, 9:22pm
AndieIsMe's Avatar

A letter in the mail is more precious than a 1000 IMs

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Nov 2009

Emerald Triangle

Posts: 8,148

See profile

Maybe the next time he calls to set up a date tell him that if he cancels for a reason other than something urgent, which going to the mall is not, you will not be seeing him again. Tell him you would understand if he was canceling for something urgent or important, but taking his daughter to the mall on a whim is just not reason enough.
 
  Reply With Quote
javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #6  September 23,2010, 10:23pm
javajava5's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2007

Posts: 3,320

See profile

heartandsoulight wrote :
so here is the story. We met up several times and have strong chemistry...and we have kissed....he calls me babe...writes every day..calls and text...but the last two times we had a pre-planned date, he canceled because his daughter and wanted to go to the mall so something stupid. His excuse is she comes first. Twice this happens. Do I dare see him again?
Dear HeartAndSoulight,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting. It's a pleasure to meet you here.

Hmm, who's that handsome guy in the picture with you (the one before it was changed)? Methinks it's your son, and, if that's true, it seems you both have kids. As far as we know, you're not canceling dates with him because of your son!

This man has a classic problem like so many men and women do and it's called "Boundaries!"

There's even a book out on that very topic by Dr.'s Henry McCloud and John Townsend and that's the title of their signature work.

From that has spawed many other Boundaries books such as: Boundaries With Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No; Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work; Boundaries With Kids; Boundaries in Marriage, etc.

You see, by his own actions, he is modeling inappropriate behavior to his teen / child. He's showing that a person need not keep his or her word, that it's OK to disrespect another person by canceling at the last minute for a non-emergency, and on and on.

No amount of chemistry and calling a person "babe" can compensate for a rude, disrespectful, man who cannot even keep his word in non-emergency circumstances.

What you see now, is what you will get. It's early and you're seeing him through rose-colored lenses. It's time to take the glasses off and see him as he really is.

He is no prize. Let someone else have him.

Instead, look for a man who has integrity, values you, is responsible, sets proper boundaries in all his relationships, and so forth.

Additionally, value yourself enough not to continue with him. Do not make the mistake of thinking you can change him as many women do. You cannot.

Say good-bye and after that, do not accept further calls, texts, and / or emails from him. It will only prolong the hurt and end badly.

Write and let us know how you're doing.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; September 24,2010 at 7:33pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
ascandinavianloveaffair is offline ascandinavianloveaffair Post #7  September 24,2010, 3:22am
ascandinavian…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 7

See profile

It's possible he may be using his daughter as an excuse because he doesn't feel there is a connection? On the other hand maybe he was having a bad patch? If HE arranges another date then I would give him one last chance - and tell him so - but in a jokey way 'O.K. But this is your last chance buster!' Three strikes is fair enough.

We sometimes expect people to live up to unrealistic ideals and we have to remember that we are all flawed! Give him one last chance. Who knows?
Last edited by ascandinavianloveaffair; September 24,2010 at 3:22am. Reason: typo
 
  Reply With Quote
ISearch4Love is offline ISearch4Love Post #8  September 24,2010, 4:05am
ISearch4Love's Avatar

I'd rather love someone I can't have than have someone I can't love.

Sage

Joined: Aug 2010

Ohio

Posts: 12,591

See profile

As a father with full custody of my daughter I can tell you that my daughter comes first also. This is something I tell people I meet right from the beginning.

That being said, I think this guy is making excused for not seeing you. Even putting my daughter first, I know her schedule and it is not hard to plan things to do with other people around the things I have to and want to do with her.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  September 24,2010, 4:44am
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,302

See profile

Two things here:
1) Last minute cancellations
2) Daughter comes first.
Yes kids come first, but it's no excuse for rudeness,
Keep in mind he is probably seeing other people and would rather imply he's canceling last minute because he's such a devoted dad.
It obscures that another opportunity came up in his devoted dad routine.
heartandsoulight wrote :
so here is the story. We met up several times and have strong chemistry...and we have kissed....he calls me babe...writes every day..calls and text...but the last two times we had a pre-planned date, he canceled because his daughter and wanted to go to the mall so something stupid. His excuse is she comes first. Twice this happens. Do I dare see him again?
 
  Reply With Quote
Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  September 24,2010, 5:05am
Goomph's Avatar

is boldly going where he has never gone before.

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Aug 2008

Ontario

Posts: 1,240

See profile

I have raised my daughter from 12 till she went to university this summer. Early on I did not even dream of dating as she gave me an ultimatum (no woman in my life) and I did not want to add to her burden on top of a divorce. Once she was 15 I wanted to date and she seemed to be ok with it, After a few dates with one particular lady, my daughter started to dug her heels in, even though she would not say it. so I decided that till she was gone from home, I would not do any dating. The few times I did, till it started to get serious she was ok, but then it was all an uphill battle. And who wants to battle with their own blood when our first responsibility is to raise them ?

This man is probably getting some serious reaction from his daughter, the best thing for you is to reevaluate your relationship, as his daughter will come first, and if the daughter is making it difficult for him, you should really not try to make him choose. if you can wait for him, that is an alternative.

Or he is using his daughter as an excuse as was stated. if you ask me, it is time to move on .... Good luck with whatever decision you make ....
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« how to resolve this... | Dating | Waiting game. advice? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did answer and then also updated with news that I was premature - there is no relationship after all.” –  picklesNcream

Join the “Blast off...!” discussion

“For dating. I'm basically in a (lifelong) rut that I would like to get out of. Sadly, my good friends are also in the same place as I am - if not worse. The topic of women is non existent among ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “So I've been thinking about getting a coach.” discussion

“I need some advice. I'm 18, never kissed/dated a girl nor obviously had a girlfriend. I just finished my first year at a top 30 university (full ride scholarship) with a 4.0 GPA. Starting my ... ” –  jrw93

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“The point is no me seeing their photos, I can see their photos; it is them seeing my photos. This means nothing can be gauged by any interest they show to you. On FCW I've noticed the non-paying ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“TD, Have you PM'd eH_Advice_Host_Eve to ask her for help? She is good at helping people tweak their settings so they are more likely to get the results they want. Please consider contacting her if ... ” –  tink333

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Did you know OT stands for on topic and off topic?” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Off -Topic” discussion

“My inner child says I am. Anastasia is intriguing. (Her name too). I like the dress she's wearing in the ad. I wonder how eHarmony picks the couples for their print and TV ads.” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Where is Becky?!?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:53am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0