Are these mixed signals intentional, or is he confused too?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
mari75 is offline mari75 Post #1  September 23,2010, 1:54pm
mari75's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 3

See profile

So I have a guy friend, we have been friends for a couple of years. I guess we tried dating when we first met, but it was bad timing and didn't work out. We didn't talk for a few months, then started hanging out as friends and have become pretty close since then. I spend more time with him than anyone else. I struggled, and I guess continue to struggle, with wanting to be more than friends. We spend a lot of time together, have a lot of mutual interests, share a lot of personal, emotional information with each other and have great conversations. I continually tell myself, that we are great friends, I don't want to lose the friendship, if he wanted something more he would do something about it, etc, etc, until I make myself believe that friendship is all I want. The problem is, just when I am feeling strong about this decision, and make a mental note to stop spending so much time with him and put myself into situations where I might meet someone who does want to be more than friends, he does something to make me think he is struggling with the same thing. They are just little things, and I don't know if they are intentional, or part of me is starting to think that maybe he likes to keep me thinking maybe something will happen.

I'll try to give a couple quick examples.

We were out with some other people, sitting on the patio of a restaurant talking. Under the table he slips his shoe off (a flip flop) and puts his foot on mine (I have sandals on), and rubs mine a little. I don't believe if your foot is bare, that you wouldn't know, that your foot is on someone else's almost bare foot, and that is not normal friendly behavior for us.

Or in my mind I'll make that resolution again to stop spending so much time with him. It's not like I stop seeing him/talking to him altogether, we work in the same building, so at the very least I'll see him everyday at work. Just as I start mentally pulling away a little, he'll want to do something every night after work, and eat lunch together almost everyday. It's like he can't get enough of me.

Or sometimes when we are just talking, and we are sitting/standing close, he'll give me "that look." The look you want to see from someone you're dating, like they want to kiss you or something. At least I think it is that look, but I am pretty sure I look away because it takes me by surprise, and nothing happens.

And I know he has dated at least one person since we have been close, it was a while ago, but he wouldn't tell me about her or any other recent relationships, if there have been any. He continues to spend time with me, so much that he has to be spending more time with me than with whoever he is dating.

I don't know what to think. Am I reading too much into it? I think he knows I have a little "crush". Is he confused too? Or does keeping me hanging on to feed his ego somehow? and if that's the case, is it a conscious thing he's doing, or does he not realize it?

I really don't want to lose the friendship. My intention is not ask for more than his friendship, but I would just like some insight into what he might be thinking. Please advise.
 
  Reply With Quote
chimerical is offline chimerical Post #2  September 23,2010, 1:58pm
chimerical's Avatar

is an albino axolotl.

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2009

Arkansas

Posts: 4,154

See profile

Sorry, but I don't see any way for us to really know this. Too many variables. Do you have another close friend you could ask to observe him? Maybe someone who knows him well?
 
  Reply With Quote
Storvik is offline Storvik Post #3  September 23,2010, 2:27pm
Storvik's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Sep 2010

Canada

Posts: 84

See profile

He's attracted to you on some level.

Maybe he wants a relationship, but is to shy or afraid to bring it up. Maybe he doesn't for some reason, but still enjoy your company and physical contact (and he wouldn't do this without attraction at some level).

I think that you should say that you developed some feelings for him and that it's OK if he just want to stay friends, but that you need to know where you two stand.

Anyways, if you don't ask, you'll never know and I don't think it will ruin you friendship if you do. It might be awkward the first couple of days if he doesn't have those feelings, but I think it will get back to business as usual quite fast. And then you'll know.
 
  Reply With Quote
BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #4  September 23,2010, 2:27pm
BabyYoda's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2010

Inland Empire, CA

Posts: 2,989

See profile

Why do yo believe that dating this man will ruin the friendship? Don't you believe that some of the best relationships start off as friends?

Seems like the both of you are trying to convine yourselves that dating each other would be a mistake when in reality, the both of you want to be more than friends.

Have you ever considered having a heart to heart talk with him and asking him how he feels about taking the friendship between the both of you to another level? If you are truely friends as you say, then I don't see why this should even be a difficult decision.

B.Y.
 
  Reply With Quote
Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #5  September 23,2010, 4:18pm
Harryoss's Avatar

chooses his words carefully. (Most of the time!)

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2010

Los Angeles, CA (SF Valley)

Posts: 1,176

See profile

Looks to me like you have 2 options:

1) Talk to him about how you feel in an attempt to find out if he shares the same feeling. You can mention some of the things that make you suspect that he does, like the foot rubbing thing.

2) Assume he feels the same about you, and make a move. Which can be anything from kissing him, to something that makes it painfully obvious that you're interested in him involving some kind of physical contact, and wait for his reaction.

Unless of course, you wanna go with option number 3 which would be to do nothing about it and wait around until one of you gets frustrated with the situation and decides to move on. Which would probably (pure opinion after this point) end up with you guys drifting apart anyways.

There's something that's holding your friendship together... and that something is the desire for a romantic relationship. Be it only on your part, or on both your parts. Best to do something about it while the feelings are still there.

That's my take on it.
 
  Reply With Quote
LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #6  September 23,2010, 4:34pm

Unregistered

Joined: May 2008

SoCal

Posts: 7,705

See profile

Storvik wrote :
He's attracted to you on some level.

Maybe he wants a relationship, but is to shy or afraid to bring it up. Maybe he doesn't for some reason, but still enjoy your company and physical contact (and he wouldn't do this without attraction at some level).

I think that you should say that you developed some feelings for him and that it's OK if he just want to stay friends, but that you need to know where you two stand.

Anyways, if you don't ask, you'll never know and I don't think it will ruin you friendship if you do. It might be awkward the first couple of days if he doesn't have those feelings, but I think it will get back to business as usual quite fast. And then you'll know.
I agree with Storvik's posts. It does sound like he is attracted to you so I think you should just let him know that you would be interested in dating him if he was up for it.
 
  Reply With Quote
mari75 is offline mari75 Post #7  September 23,2010, 5:24pm
mari75's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2010

Posts: 3

See profile

Thanks for the input so far. It's interesting because I was pretty convinced that he wasn't attracted to me, and was prepared to put my feelings aside. I guess I only mentioned examples of things he has done that might indicate attraction. Although I cannot list any for sure points that say he isn't attracted, I guess I just think things would be different if he was. I am the shy one, he isn't shy. And doesn't the fact that he has dated someone else since we've been close say something? And he doesn't always act like he can't get enough of me, sometimes he is more distant. I think I am pretty upfront with the fact that I want to spend time with him. I think there are mixed messages. I don't know which messages to trust.
 
  Reply With Quote
howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #8  September 23,2010, 5:35pm
howardtheduck's Avatar

Ok, no shoes dropping, just enjoying the present...

Enthusiast

Joined: Feb 2010

NJ

Posts: 821

See profile

Time to talk and tell him what you are prepared to offer and receive - friendship and no more. If he crosses the line, and does little thinks like rubs you, touches you in a way you feel inappropriate for a friend, then make a decision. He will either value the friendship enough to not want to lose that, or is dense.
 
  Reply With Quote
LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #9  September 23,2010, 5:36pm

Unregistered

Joined: May 2008

SoCal

Posts: 7,705

See profile

If you are feeling "that look" from him and it makes you break contact, then I am sure you are picking up that he likes you...or at least, I think that is a really good indication.

But that also might be why he is not making the move, you keep turning away.

If you could handle hearing him say he is not interested and just wants to be friends, then I would risk asking him.

If not, then maybe just don't break "the look" and see what happens. lol!

Good luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Both of us interested but neither of us make the first move | Dating | Dance Your Way to a Better Dating Life! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Mixed signals? Need explanation. jgy60a Dating 22 October 17,2010 10:25am
I've been getting mixed signals and don't know how to interpret them Satsirosu Dating 15 April 2,2010 12:01am
Mixed signals & confused! mzvic Ask a Dating Expert 6 January 15,2010 10:57pm
Mixed signals?! Sakura365 Dating 7 October 29,2009 7:09pm
Mixed Signals sweetgirl78 Dating 10 May 28,2009 3:28am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did answer and then also updated with news that I was premature - there is no relationship after all.” –  picklesNcream

Join the “Blast off...!” discussion

“For dating. I'm basically in a (lifelong) rut that I would like to get out of. Sadly, my good friends are also in the same place as I am - if not worse. The topic of women is non existent among ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “So I've been thinking about getting a coach.” discussion

“I need some advice. I'm 18, never kissed/dated a girl nor obviously had a girlfriend. I just finished my first year at a top 30 university (full ride scholarship) with a 4.0 GPA. Starting my ... ” –  jrw93

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“The point is no me seeing their photos, I can see their photos; it is them seeing my photos. This means nothing can be gauged by any interest they show to you. On FCW I've noticed the non-paying ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“TD, Have you PM'd eH_Advice_Host_Eve to ask her for help? She is good at helping people tweak their settings so they are more likely to get the results they want. Please consider contacting her if ... ” –  tink333

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Did you know OT stands for on topic and off topic?” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Off -Topic” discussion

“My inner child says I am. Anastasia is intriguing. (Her name too). I like the dress she's wearing in the ad. I wonder how eHarmony picks the couples for their print and TV ads.” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Where is Becky?!?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:53am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0