Physical appearance, not vanity..still matters.


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Not2grownup is offline Not2grownup Post #1  September 23,2010, 3:12am
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is curious, like George, about that silly little thing called love

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So I went on my first date this week. We met up a favorite place of hers (I let her choose the restaurant, day, time).. The date kicked off nicely enough. During our conversation she noticed that I was hiding my face a bit when I smiled or laughed. I was at first quite reluctant to reveal why. After a good deal of coaxing, I decided that she probably should know, and she was obviously not taking no for an answer. So I showed her the result of me being smashed in the mouth by a crow bar, from my time in the Army. I am still getting work done to repair the long term damage. As a result, all of my front top teeth are currently missing. She left so fast that she actually had to come back because she forgot her jacket.

Should have seen that coming. I had been wearing my plate for some of the date, but took it out because it was (as it always does) causing my mouth to hurt...a lot, and we were about to start eating. I don't hate her for her reaction, and I understand why she left.. but in the future, I guess I hope people will at least feign a slight of compassion when someone reveals something that you badger them for. Heck, I probably should have just kept protesting or deflecting until the food arrived.


The date was going so well up until THAT point.
 
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windsurfing is offline windsurfing Post #2  September 23,2010, 3:47am
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I am very sorry about what happened with her. That's very hurtful.

I've been reading your other posts and have always thought that they are as very kind. You are very kind in the way you describe what happened here, too. I respect and admire that classy attitude. That shows great strength.

I sincerely wish you well with the treatment.
 
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Angelgal is offline Angelgal Post #3  September 23,2010, 3:58am
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I'm really sorry that happened. For me, great teeth hygeine is very important in myself and a man, but it's not like you just didn't brush your teeth for 20 years! I can't imagine being hit in the mouth with a crowbar, how painful!! There's a lucky lady out there for you, no worries! Best of luck to you!
 
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Not2grownup is offline Not2grownup Post #4  September 23,2010, 4:14am
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The only reason I don't get used to it is because I not only know that it isn't my fault (as in, was not a result of some reckless behavior), and I am actively getting it fixed. Sadly, it is, and will, take some time. My friends suggested I wait until I get it fully fixed to go about dating.

My response to them was "they are dating me...not my teeth". Maybe their opinion has some merit though. I put very little weight in the appearance side of dating outside of wanting someone who takes care of themselves...excersing, showering, brushing teeth.. that kind of thing. I don't really look at myself the way someone else might so I don't think about it. I only cover my mouth because I assume people would react awkwardly to what I'm hiding.
 
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ISearch4Love is offline ISearch4Love Post #5  September 23,2010, 5:19am
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They say you shouldn't judge a person based on appearance but I think we all know and agree that this rarely happens. Most everyone will judge people based on appearance, it's unfortunate but true. The main advise I'd give to you is to be upfront and honest and explain the situation prior to the first meeting so it's not such a shock for the person you're meeting. If they choose not to meet you due to this you're better off than having them walk out on you during the meeting. If they know in advance they will not likely choose to leave after seeing you. Good luck in your future relationships and don't let this one discourage you from pursuing other ones.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #6  September 23,2010, 5:33am
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Not2grownup wrote :
The only reason I don't get used to it is because I not only know that it isn't my fault (as in, was not a result of some reckless behavior), and I am actively getting it fixed. Sadly, it is, and will, take some time. My friends suggested I wait until I get it fully fixed to go about dating.

My response to them was "they are dating me...not my teeth". Maybe their opinion has some merit though. I put very little weight in the appearance side of dating outside of wanting someone who takes care of themselves...excersing, showering, brushing teeth.. that kind of thing. I don't really look at myself the way someone else might so I don't think about it. I only cover my mouth because I assume people would react awkwardly to what I'm hiding.
Man, I can't begin understand but I am sorry that you had to go through the accident AND the reaction on your date.

Telling your potential dates that you got hit in the face with a crowbar is probably not going to win you very many dates. However, taking your false teeth out on a date is also not going to win you very many second dates. So, you're in a tough situation dude. I feel for you, but you do have some choices. First choice is to wait and get your teeth repaired before you start dating. You said it is going to take a long time to repair the damage...how long exactly are we talking? (This would be the first question I would ask my oral surgeon.) If they said a year or two, maybe even three years. Well, honestly, that isn't a very long time to wait before dating again. At least by that time, you know your teeth are all fixed and you'd have the confidence to date.

However, IF it's going to take longer than that and you feel you can't wait until your mouth is fully repaired, well, you're going to either have to bear the pain and keep your false teeth in (no matter how discreet you think you can be in taking them out while you eat) or you are going to have to be open and honest with your dates so that they know what to expect. Even then, I'd keep the teeth in.

Again, I know it is very easy for me to say and I am not going through that pain that you are bro', but what's done is done and you have to focus on how you will deal with it until all the repair is done. The upside is that you seem to be a great guy. Honestly dude, even with what all I have just posted to you, the right girl for you is going to look past that, especially knowing that you're doing what you can to repair your teeth.
 
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deegoesgreen is offline deegoesgreen Post #7  September 23,2010, 5:48am
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Wow, that woman was incredibly rude and insensitive. You're attitude is healthy, IMO, that you don't let it stop you from meeting people. Whatever the reason it happened, you feel it important to take care of, and it's certainly not a cheap fix!! We've certainly read about dealbreakers of much, much greater consequence around here!

I'd probably consider the approach of letting someone know before meeting that you have this lengthy dental work being done, or you stick to coffee/drink dates where eating isn't going to put you in this position again.

When I think that there are brave former soldiers out there with missing limbs and other horrendous battle scars (which I've witnessed), who are young and still have hopes for a LTR, and who put themselves out there, well, the whole missing teeth that are fixable thing just seems like no big deal. Not trying to downplay or negate the effect it has for you, but more so for potential dates.

I really hope you meet someone worthy of you.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  September 23,2010, 5:54am
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Sometimes it's not so much the problem itself as in how it's being presented. Your post struck in me that you were hiding a problem quite obviously. Your date recognized that you are hiding a problem and then had to badger you to disclose. The problem with this whole scenario is that you lost credibility by hiding. I really think that it would work way better for you if you would explain ahead of time what's going on, what happened, and what you are doing to fix things. That way you are more likely to get sympathy and understanding, rather than the person freaking out and running away.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #9  September 23,2010, 7:01am
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What happened to you was rude and just plain wrong.

However, people have done that for less. Weight is a primary reason why many guys just want to get out of the room.

Not saying its right, I'm just saying it happens more than you think.
 
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windsurfing is offline windsurfing Post #10  September 23,2010, 7:07am
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I am really sorry about the accident and the pains and hurts you have taken. It would be even harder to accept the accident and its long-term effects when you were not responsible for the cause. I admire your courage and strength.

When people show awkward reactions --- If I were in this lady's position, I'd feel pain because I feel for your pain. When my mother had breast cancer, I felt a lot of pain when she first showed me that scar. It took time and strength for everyone in our family to accept the pain. She was the one who was strongest. I respect and admire her a lot.

If I were matched with you, I think you'd be the one to choose the timing and the method of communication with which you feel most comfortable in sharing what has happened. I'd feel honored if you trusted me enough to share. I'd try to ask myself what my strengths and vulnerabilities are. If both wished to proceed, I would try to learn from you the basic medical and psychological information so that I could have a better understanding and can provide helpful support.
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