Young widower: how soon is too soon?


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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #1  September 22,2010, 1:52pm
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Hello Everyone,

My wife, who was in her early 30's, passed away three months ago. Her passing was sudden and unexpected. We were together for 9 years, but it was a very interesting relationship... for 5 of those years we lived more like roommates than lovers. Something happened last year that made us sit down and contemplate where we wanted to go with each other. We decided that we wanted to be with each other (rather than breaking up) and each committed to working on our relationship. For the last 8 months or so we worked on 'Us' and we did grow very close once again. Then something unfortunate happened and she passed away.

There are lots of theories about how soon after a passing one should start "dating" again. But I kind of have a problem with the term "dating". If I'm hanging out with one of my single male friends, talking politics over a beer or something, that's just hanging out - but if I'm hanging out with a single female friend doing the same thing, it's a 'date'. At least that's what I've learned from talking with people.

Since I'm hetero, the difference between "hanging out" and "date" is with the woman there is a chance that this interaction could lead to a relationship, or something more serious down the road. (I'm not looking to actively pursue a relationship or physical encounter - having said that, if I did develop a special closeness in terms of relationship with someone I would probably not stop it from occurring.)

So now that I got all that out of the way... women: if you responded to an eHarmony ad and at some point the guy told you all that: what would you think? What would scare you away? What could the guy do to address those concerns?

At my age I'm likely to meet a lot of women who are divorced or at least have gone through a string of relationships. This is fundamentally different than a divorce or break-up. I don't know, but I would guess that in those cases, there is either a large amount of resentment at horrible things that the partner did, or a longing that the partner will come back. In my case... my wife and I were both at peace with each other at the end. I do not resent her for anything she did, nor do I regret the decisions we made - because I know that we made the best possible world for ourselves given our circumstances. And I know that she's not coming back, at least not in this world... so while I miss her and still love her, it is fundamentally different than missing someone in the sense that "they are still out there" and maybe within reach.

Thoughts? Am I crazy?

Later,
Sparkles
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #2  September 22,2010, 2:22pm

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if you told me all that, plus the fact it's only been 3 months, i would run in the other direction.

I'm sorry for your loss.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  September 22,2010, 2:37pm
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3 months is just too soon.

this was sudden and it was a loss for you.

Had this happened when you two were going through a divorce it may have been different but since you said you became close again makes it all the more difficult.

As I said before....there is not some strip you can get that you can pee on and it tells you you are ready. You really wont know until you actually do start to date again to find out if you are really ready.

The other option is you can start seeing people again but not seriously.


You also cant sit there and compare her with your wife.

Curious...did you have children together? Are you a single parent?
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #4  September 22,2010, 2:44pm
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scarlet13 wrote :
if you told me all that, plus the fact it's only been 3 months, i would run in the other direction.
Ok Scarlet, that was an amusingly terse response.

What, specifically, are you afraid of, that would make you run the other way? What bad things do you think would occur - and do you have experience with said bad things, or is it an assumption? There are a couple of ideas I have about this but I'd like to read your response first.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #5  September 22,2010, 2:44pm
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Got modded again......

Your loss happened to soon...especially talking into account the closeness you restored. Had you not done that and this happened then you would be more ready.

Are you now a single parent?

What you could do is just have light and casual dating...nothing serious.

You likely arent ready for it. You wont know until you actually date again.

I said before there isnt a strip of paper you can use to test to see if it says you are ready to date.

What you cant do is compare anyone you are dating to her. That is unfair.

To know if you are ready to date...think of how you can talk about her to someone else...how emotional does it get you?

A real test to see how you are is when you get near to certain times like her birthday, your anniversary, christmas, and other special dates...how does that make you feel emotionally?


I am not sure how old you are, but I would have this approach with women who were widows that I met...I expect them to have a place in their heart for their lost love one that would always be remembers...much more so if their was children involved. I entirely respect that.
 
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astro42 is offline astro42 Post #6  September 22,2010, 2:45pm
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Yeah, it's fundamentally different from a divorce, but also similar in the sense that it's tragic, and you didn't have time to start emotionally disconnecting from the relationship before it was actually 'over'.

At any rate, what scarlet says is true. Too soon. I would move right on past as well. You may very well be the most well-adjusted 3-month-old widower in the history of the world and I still would move on by. My time is too precious, and the list of pitfalls is too long and varied to waste my time chancing that you are one in a million. Nine year relationships just don't end and suddenly you're fine, no matter how they ended. Sorry, kid, but them's the breaks.

EDIT: It's also bad form to ask for advice and then get snippy with the people that give it to you. You put yourself out there, now don't shoot the messenger.
Last edited by astro42; September 22,2010 at 2:48pm.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #7  September 22,2010, 2:48pm
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Most women would view 3 months as too soon and being rebound,,,irrelevent if this was a divorce or being a widow/er.

They dont want to be the rebound relationship ...especially one that happens so soon.

When I went through my divorce I had this happen to me because some didnt want to date me because of it...even though I was passed the relationship with my ex because we had drifted apart and were reoommates mostly. The divorce happened suddenly..so I was more happy that it happened than hurt or upset.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #8  September 22,2010, 2:57pm

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Sparkles56 wrote :
Ok Scarlet, that was an amusingly terse response.

What, specifically, are you afraid of, that would make you run the other way? What bad things do you think would occur - and do you have experience with said bad things, or is it an assumption? There are a couple of ideas I have about this but I'd like to read your response first.
you are concerned dating would lead to a relationship, which you don't necessarily want. I want a relationship, so you would not interest me.

3 months is an astoundingly short time in which to grieve for a spouse. I'm also not interested in being with someone not emotionally healthy-too much work- so that would be the second reason.

no assumptions or bad experiences- i just have a good handle on reality.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  September 22,2010, 2:57pm
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My view is the right time is as soon as you feel drawn to a specific person of the opposite sex.

Or as soon as you can focus on the dating process without undue intrusion of thoughts of the ex. Which ever is sooner.

I am sure I would be emotionally fine in three months (or less), but I might need a lot longer than that to tend to practical matters, like cleaning up banking accounts / transactions, getting my house appropriate for a companion to come over. So, I find it hard to imagine I would have the time.
 
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Sparkles56 is offline Sparkles56 Post #10  September 22,2010, 3:11pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
Are you now a single parent? What you could do is just have light and casual dating...nothing serious.
Ami1, we didn't have kids. So it's just me around the house. Maybe I was too verbose in what I wrote, but I know I'm not ready for a relationship or a physical encounter. I really just want to meet some new and interesting women and see where the journey takes me. Having said that - I don't plan to settle. I'm looking for The One, so to speak, and if I happen to find her during the 'light dating' period I don't think I'd say, 'Hey, you know, I feel great and everything, and we seem to be a good fit, but I'm going to stop because there's an arbitrary amount of time I have to spend alone..." I'd be more likely to say, "there are some things I need to figure out before I take it to the next step, and if you'd like to come with me on that journey...."

When I do become involved in a relationship I don't want someone that is a "fixer upper" so to speak, and likewise, I do not want to be a "fixer upper" to someone else - I want to have all my stuff together, so to speak. Honestly at this point in the grieving process I don't have the capacity to judge that....

wrote :
You likely arent ready for it. You wont know until you actually date again.
And that's most likely the process that will give me the ability to judge 'do I have my stuff together'.

wrote :
What you cant do is compare anyone you are dating to her. That is unfair.
Trust me, that is well understood. You can't, in any capacity, compare one human being to another. Just like nobody can fill the unique space I have in my heart for her - nobody can 'replace' her, as she was a unique individual; therefore, a comparison would only be a bad thing. But there's someone else out there, who has a different combination of traits that I can love just as much. That woman will stand and 'fit with me' on her own accord, not in comparison with my late wife.

wrote :
To know if you are ready to date...think of how you can talk about her to someone else...how emotional does it get you?
When I'm talking about her to others... I'm usually talking about the happy times, the good memories we had. It makes me feel good inside. I generally don't talk about the 'loss' I feel except with a few certain people. Those discussions make me more emotional... but I don't think I'd have those discussions with someone I was dating. Engaged to, yeah. But not just dating.

wrote :
I expect them to have a place in their heart for their lost love one that would always be remembers...much more so if their was children involved. I entirely respect that.
I think you've accurately pegged how I feel. I have a place in my heart for her, I always will. But that does not mean that I'm incapable of loving someone else with the same intensity, that doesn't mean that my next One will replace my late wife or be some 'stand in' for her. My next One will stand on her own and have her own place in my heart.

Thanks, Ami1!
 
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