Confused, why she let me go?


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Holdyourcolor is offline Holdyourcolor Post #1  September 20,2010, 11:39pm
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I initiated communication with someone about a month and a half ago. Got to OC and connected very well, and met rather quickly (two weeks from initial communication). Per messages on EH, we seemed to have very much in common, especially long term goals. First date when by (went to have ice cream). It went okay in my eyes but not great (we were both a bit shy). At that point, I didn't know if she would want to go out again.

She did agreed to a second date, which we had to reschedule because of her car acting up (we decided on a place near my house and she was supposed to drive over here). Because of her car issue, I offered to pick her up and do something in her city instead, but she declined as we've been out only once, which I told her it was completely fine, and I understood. So we waited a week until her car was fixed, and we rescheduled the 2nd date. She lets me know again that we need to reschedule because she got another job, and the time conflicts, so I totally understood once again, no problem. But I ended up going to her city for lunch because she didn't have much time between jobs. She called me 30 mins before date #2 and said she had a flat tire and will be late, as she was waiting for AAA to arrive (which was true). I said it's cool, things happen. I thought lunch went GREAT. Huge step from date #1. We opened up more.

After the date, I asked for date #3, which she agreed. But 4 or so days later (yesterday), I get an email saying that the following, direct quote: "I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but it's not working out for me. You seem like a great guy that someone will be oh so lucky to find. I wish you the best of luck on your search!"

Confused- If she's saying I'm great and someone will get lucky, why'd she let me go? The only two things I can think of is: 1. I'm vegetarian, which was on my profile, and was asked about on the 1st date, 2. I'm a pretty skinny guy (5'9", 135lbs, 28 year old). I was always understanding, respectful, and honest, which is my usual self anyway. Maybe someone can shed some light on this confusion of mine? Thanks in advance!
 
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mikeinor is offline mikeinor Post #2  September 20,2010, 11:58pm
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I think the line goes "she wanted to be attracted to you because of all of your positive attributes but didn't feel any chemistry"

Which of course leaves you wonder what is wrong with you? "Your a great guy"... yadayadayada... is her telling you nice things to make her feel better... it is actually a little insulting in my experience.

Who knows what is actually going on in her brain? Maybe there just isn't much chance that you will treat her like crap like she likes to be treated. I know this is a really hard one and much easier to say than to believe but WHY DO YOU CARE! Nope, never made me feel any better either.

So you can doubt yourself and question what is wrong with you until you are crazy or you can just move on. Yep, this has happened to all of us and in the end we all just move on. You have every right to let it throw you for a while, a few days or even a few weeks but in the end you will find yourself moving on. Next time you will be a bit more hardened, a bit tougher and it will sting a bit less but chances are very high that there will be a next time.

And some time down the road you will find yourself on the opposite side with someone that is into you but you just can't see yourself with and you will have this experience to look back on and hopefully not patronize that person that way this one has patronized you.
Last edited by mikeinor; September 21,2010 at 12:05am.
 
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Bijou13 is offline Bijou13 Post #3  September 21,2010, 12:50am
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This might sound lame, but sometimes when other obstacles come into play (car troubles, timing etc) a person thinks maybe life is giving them signs. I know it sounds weird, but its kind of like as you get to know someones backgrounds and you find similarities you get excited. When there aren't you tend to back off.

Just let it go and move on.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #4  September 21,2010, 1:22am
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Dear HoldYourColor,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting. It's a pleasure to meet you here.

As to your question . . . why she let you go is something we'll never know the answer to so it's best not to even entertain that thought.

Don't second-guess yourself in any way. Go on being the understanding, respectful, and honest guy you've always been.

If you find yourself thinking about this, distract yourself by doing something: Exercising, listening to the radio, calling a friend, reading, etc.

It's not worth dwelling on and to do so only gives you self-doubts.

It is her loss. Don't be confused. People break-off all the time. Don't read into what she wrote . . . it means nothing. People often don't know how to break-off with someone.

Keep in mind it doesn't have to have anything in particular to do with you. Again, don't read into it. You'll drive yourself crazy if you do.

Just accept you'll never know and refuse to let that bother you.

There are many, many, many girls in this world and she is simply one step closer to someone who you want to date who wants to date you.

There's plenty of people who are vegetarians, skinny, and nice so that's not unusual and no reason not to date a person.

You had an experience, now it's over, and you're ready to meet other ladies.

As you know, chemistry has to be mutual across all the areas: Mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical (keeping in mind that God's standard - according to His Holy Word - the Bible - is for sex after marriage only and within marriage only).

Whatever her reasons, they need be of no importance to you.

You were most patient and kind and sound like a wonderful match for someone like yourself!

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, eHarmony's founder, once wrote words to this effect:

Marry a person a lot like you.

Even though this was an eHarmony match, it seems there was not mutual attraction across the core areas in all the areas on the part of both parties. This is more common than not.

Relieve your mind of further worry and thought and instead, concentrate on some other matches.

Wishing you well. Write and let us know how you're doing.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; September 21,2010 at 1:25am.
 
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windsurfing is offline windsurfing Post #5  September 21,2010, 2:43am
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Holdyourcolor wrote :
I initiated communication with someone about a month and a half ago. Got to OC and connected very well, and met rather quickly (two weeks from initial communication). Per messages on EH, we seemed to have very much in common, especially long term goals. First date when by (went to have ice cream). It went okay in my eyes but not great (we were both a bit shy). At that point, I didn't know if she would want to go out again.

She did agreed to a second date, which we had to reschedule because of her car acting up (we decided on a place near my house and she was supposed to drive over here). Because of her car issue, I offered to pick her up and do something in her city instead, but she declined as we've been out only once, which I told her it was completely fine, and I understood. So we waited a week until her car was fixed, and we rescheduled the 2nd date. She lets me know again that we need to reschedule because she got another job, and the time conflicts, so I totally understood once again, no problem. But I ended up going to her city for lunch because she didn't have much time between jobs. She called me 30 mins before date #2 and said she had a flat tire and will be late, as she was waiting for AAA to arrive (which was true). I said it's cool, things happen. I thought lunch went GREAT. Huge step from date #1. We opened up more.

After the date, I asked for date #3, which she agreed. But 4 or so days later (yesterday), I get an email saying that the following, direct quote: "I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but it's not working out for me. You seem like a great guy that someone will be oh so lucky to find. I wish you the best of luck on your search!"

Confused- If she's saying I'm great and someone will get lucky, why'd she let me go? The only two things I can think of is: 1. I'm vegetarian, which was on my profile, and was asked about on the 1st date, 2. I'm a pretty skinny guy (5'9", 135lbs, 28 year old). I was always understanding, respectful, and honest, which is my usual self anyway. Maybe someone can shed some light on this confusion of mine? Thanks in advance!
I wouldn't take the "you seem a great guy; someone's lucky to find you" line negatively. My best guy friends tell me so and they really mean it. It's not that they don't find me attractive, either. But it's just that we are friends. My take is that you don't or can't try to marry every wonderful person
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #6  September 21,2010, 5:21am
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Seems like she was not physically attracted to you. People seem to expect an instant click/spark and if they don't get it then will conclude that their match is incompatible. If she really valued your disposition then she would still be dating you. However, it was nice of her to let you know how she felt. Some people will not tell you anything and simply ignore you.

Expect to have dates like this. Don't put too much value into what people tell you unless they back it up through their actions. Continue to date until you find someone who is genuine and sincere with becoming better acquainted with you. I wish you much success.

B.Y.
 
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ISearch4Love is offline ISearch4Love Post #7  September 21,2010, 5:30am
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I've been through the EXACT same thing and had the same questions and feelings you have. My advise to you (which is how I got through it) start working toward the next good match. Get your mind of this one because dwelling on the why will only cause unneeded pain.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  September 21,2010, 6:06am
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Do you want to date and marry absolutely every single nice girl you meet? Of course not. Same thing applies to others - just because they genuinely think that you are a good person, does not make you a match and that's that.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  September 21,2010, 7:21am
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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She just was not feeling the "chemistry" OR she met some other guy that she likes better.

Whatever the reason you need to:

1) not let it bother you.
2) continue being the same nice guy you always have been.
3) move on to the next match.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #10  September 21,2010, 9:04am
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She really decided after the first date.

Her canceling future dates was the red flag with his.

You need to avoid that shy and akwardness on the first dates which is one reason you dont want to talk to much before meeting or you dont talk to her for some time before so you have topics to talk about.

I think you were her plan B where she was pursuing someone else other than you.

Maybe she wasnt attracted to you or didnt fell that "spark" on the first date.
 
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