Why can't I get a straight answer to a straight question? Advice needed.


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jgy60a is offline jgy60a Post #1  September 19,2010, 7:55pm
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I've been on about 5 dates with a woman I met on eH. Her profile emphasized how important communications are.

So the first couple dates seemed to go well. She laughed at my jokes, and found excuses to pat my arm. Goodbye kisses were lingering.

As time went on though she seemed to get more distant, her texts became more infrequent, etc. Ok I think, I guess she's just not that into me. BUt I want to make sure. And since she's big on good communications, I figure I'll just man up and ask.

I sent her an email and said, "Hey, I'm not sure how to read things, so tell me what's on your mind. Any answer is ok, just let know how you feel about us."

I hear nothing for a couple days. Then she sends an email and says, "I'm not ignoring you, I just need some time to think about how to respond, if that's ok with you?"

I replied back and said, "ok".

A week goes by, and no email, no texts, no phone calls from her. I'm hanging in la-la land so I know whether to ask her out again or to move on to another match. After a week, I text her (which is HER preferred means of communication) in a light hearted fashion asking how she's doing. She replies to it, but no answer to my real question. I'm getting pretty frustrated by this time. She has time to watch TV but not to respond?

The texting is going real slow, so I just call her. At this point I don't care what her answer is, I just want one. She says she likes me and wishes it would work out, but "we didn't seem to connect". I have no idea what that means, and she didn't explain it. I'd like to know what went wrong. Trying to get anything out of this woman (who is so into communication) is like pulling teeth. I say, "Ok, so we acknowledge we have some difficulty. Let's take the dating pressure off. Do you just want to get together sometimes and see how it goes?" And she says in a non-committal manner, "Oh, I don't know...".

I thinking, "Good grief, be a man and make a decision!". But I just say, "You can call me if you decide to. Goodbye."


On the positive side she didn't say NO, but she sure didn't say YES either. Can any of you good people explain this? The most common answer I get is, "She didn't want to hurt your feelings", but this doesn't make sense. I gave her an easy out in my email by saying any answer was ok, and she could have just said, "Sorry no chemistry" or "I'm seeing someone else" and done this from the safety and convenience of her email. You'd think by the time a woman was 50 she'd be able to answer the simple questions, "How are we doing? Want to go out again?".

I have moved on, but I'd like to understand this for future reference.
 
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Faira is offline Faira Post #2  September 19,2010, 8:22pm
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I'd move on. She's been hedging on this too long.

And at some point people have to start moving past the text thing and start talking on the phone. Texting indefinitely, especially when there's an issue in the air, is not somethat that self-proclaimed "good communicators" do unless there's a long distance involved. Even then- pick up the phone. She's been trying to get out of a conversation that she simply didn't want to have.

You did the right thing. As to why not end it when you gave her an out? No easy answer there. You're probably never going to know....just move on.
Last edited by Faira; September 19,2010 at 8:25pm.
 
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betweenhereandthere is offline betweenhereandthere Post #3  September 19,2010, 8:28pm
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I can't remember where I heard this originally... I want to say it was "He's Just Not That Into You"... but when someone wants you - they find ways to see you... they don't hedge bets, play games, or become unavailable.

It sounds like she didn't want to hurt your feelings - I've had guys tell me I could be straight with them, and then when I was - even nicely they've acted VERY hurt. It was a bad experience, and so I'm very careful about who I'm straight with.

If it's not that, then she may have just been keeping you around in case she didn't find something better, because no one wants to be alone, and some people take that to the extreme.

Regardless... she's not that interested, and the reasons why aren't all that important - because even if it happens with another woman in the future - chances are it will be for different reasons anyways.
 
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5HourPhil is offline 5HourPhil Post #4  September 19,2010, 8:28pm
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^ This has to be the most frustrating thing ever. If you actually stayed with her though you could expect the same type of response whenever had to confront her on an issue. I tend to become a smart aleck in this situation and say stuff like. "I wonder which will happen first, squeeze lemonade out of this rock or get a straight answer out of you" If some time goes by and nothing just let em know that your enjoying some refreshing lemonade
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #5  September 19,2010, 8:28pm
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The problem is no unique...many...with both sexes when they date someone they feel is a nice person but they arent all that into them or not sure of pursuing something will check out because they care enough they dont want to hurt your feelings but also arent interested in going further so they get distant and pull away and dont come out and say no.

I understand you want to know reasons why...everyone deos...but they will not share them with you. You likely didnt do anything wrong...its more of with her finding fault in little things that you were lacking in or didnt do or she didnt feel it.

There also could be another guys she found to be more interested in so she wanted to see how it went with guy 2 but also didnt want to lose her plan B backup boyfriend.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  September 19,2010, 8:34pm
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Is this the same woman you were speaking of in your other thread?
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #7  September 19,2010, 8:35pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
(snip)

There also could be another guys she found to be more interested in so she wanted to see how it went with guy 2 but also didnt want to lose her plan B backup boyfriend.
My guess would be the above. She liked you enough to keep you around as Option #2, or maybe even #3, so she didn't want to man up and let go. The part of cyber dating that I dislike is the shopping aisle syndrome - you pick up something off the shelf, it's not exactly what you are looking for, but you walk around holding it while you shop to make sure no one else picks it up until you see if the perfect item is available.

Don't take it personally, it's unfortunately the nature of the beast.
 
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jgy60a is offline jgy60a Post #8  September 19,2010, 8:39pm
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No, a different woman. It's been my lucky year...
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #9  September 19,2010, 9:57pm
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Dropdeadredtx wrote :
My guess would be the above. She liked you enough to keep you around as Option #2, or maybe even #3, so she didn't want to man up and let go. The part of cyber dating that I dislike is the shopping aisle syndrome - you pick up something off the shelf, it's not exactly what you are looking for, but you walk around holding it while you shop to make sure no one else picks it up until you see if the perfect item is available.

Don't take it personally, it's unfortunately the nature of the beast.
Good analogy!
 
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primarilyconfused is offline primarilyconfused Post #10  September 20,2010, 4:33am
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Sorry to say but common decency has gone by the wayside. Answer the question, return the text/phone call...say SOMETHING but quit screwing around with people. I understand your plight and I feel for you.

Sorry there's not a better answer to your dilemma.
 
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