Mixed signals? Need explanation.


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jgy60a is offline jgy60a Post #1  September 19,2010, 7:06pm
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I feel like I've been getting mixed signals from a woman. The first date seemed to go well, and she called me a day or two later to thank me. We're 50ish and dated 5 or 6 times.

Some examples:
- She called me every now and then to thank me for the prior date or just to say hello (Good signal).
- Responds positively when I hold her hand or kiss her (Good signal).
- She never initiates holding hands or kissing (Bad signal).
- She was comfortable coming to my house on third date (Good signal).
- When we greet each other at the beginning of a date or when saying goodbye, she always throws her arms around my neck, holds on tight, and returns the kiss (Good signal).
- The first time I went to her house (at the end of date #5 or 6) she sat on the far end of the couch (Bad signal). I stayed cool, didn't say anything about it, and we talked to 20 minutes or so. Just in case I misread the implied signal from her sitting so far away, I gave her a kiss goodbye. Once again, she threw her arms around my neck, and after the kiss said, "Now I'll have something to remember you by" (Good signal).
- She never called after that (Bad signal).

We're not dating anymore. She canceled the next date at the last minute, and I got tired of what I think is being jerked around.

I'm trying to make sense of her behavior. Although I really liked her (and I thought she liked me too), I can accept it if she just wasn't all that into me. But then why all the good signals? She could have just given me a handshake or a light kiss instead of a lingering one and making me think she couldn't wait till we meet again.

Am I in left field, or are these mixed signals, and what's behind them? Oh yeah, this is from a woman who's profile emphasized how important honesty and good communications are.

Dazed and confused!
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #2  September 20,2010, 2:13am
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Not initiating, in a woman, is not a "bad signal" in my eyes. (Speaking as a woman, here.) It could easily just be a sign of shyness/nervousness. Same goes for sitting on the far end of the couch. If she's responding to all your signals positively/enthusiastically, then she welcomes the attention from you. When you say she "never called after that," you need to qualify how long of a period of not-calling we're talking about (before you dumped her) to know if it's a bad signal or not, by the way.

Last-minute date cancellation could've been legitimate, too. Personally, I don't see anything here that screams "bad signal" to me. The best read on it is probably that she's shy.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  September 20,2010, 3:38am
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Sigh....most women in early stages of dating will not initiate. She is not jerking you around, but you seem to have expectations that the woman should throw herself at you. Some women will, some women will not. Look at dating as a dance - the man leads and the woman follows. The only confusion I see here is that you don't get that you should be leading. Seems like she has been reciprocating plenty.
 
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ISearch4Love is offline ISearch4Love Post #4  September 20,2010, 3:56am
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Sounds to me like you may be worrying too much about stuff you don't need to worry about.
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #5  September 20,2010, 4:29am
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Call her and ask her for another date.

Then be more aggressive in showing your affection and be consistent. If she sits far away from you pat the place next to you and ask her to sit there. Show her it is not acceptable to you to for her to distance herself like that. Put yourselves in situations that can lead to romance...... like go for a walk at sunset after having a nice dinner and a few cocktails. Bring a blanket and goto a quiet place.

On the other hand if you normally tend to be sexually passive yourself you may require a partner, in the long term, who is more openly affectionate and always initiates. If this is the case then maybe this woman is not for you.

Just so you know, I acted just like her, in the beginning of at least one relationship, and was just being careful that the man did not think I was too easy. I did this because I REALLY liked him and wanted a serious relationship out of it.

Women will act cool and reserved when they want a man; this can be partly due to nerves and shyness and more importantly is how we have been taught to act due to society labeling us as wh***s for showing any kind of healthy sexual interest in a man we don't know that well.

Good luck and please call her!
Last edited by Rainfallgirl; September 20,2010 at 6:26am. Reason: corrected something
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #6  September 20,2010, 4:32am
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Simultaneously we have this thread going! These two are younger than you and your love interest but the scenario is identical and this time it is the woman writing.

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...irst-move.html (Both of us interested but neither of us make the first move)
 
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KISS_keepitsimplesam is offline KISS_keepitsimplesam Post #7  September 20,2010, 9:01am
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OMG........you crack me up. I love the way you painted that picture. I completely followed it and have some sage thoughts to share with you et al: I completely agree that she gave you mixed signals. But here's what I'm thinking, maybe there's something else here, such as: Option #1: her house is possessed with puritans that will not stand for fornication in that house. Option #2: She's bipolar and straddles between being a virgin and a harlot. Option #3 (this is the serious one): maybe she's got a medical condition that's factoring into her behavior. I say that because of the comments where she hugs you and says she wants something to remember you by. Huh????

I don't get the sense she'd be very forthcoming if you asked her about it face-to-face. Maybe putting it in writing, it may help her open up and share what's going on with her to cuase this erratic behavior. Best of luck!
Last edited by KISS_keepitsimplesam; September 20,2010 at 9:05am.
 
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deegoesgreen is offline deegoesgreen Post #8  September 20,2010, 9:37am
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I can't speak for the lady you encountered, but as a woman myself who has given and received mixed signals, I can let you in on some thought processes that may help.

As the receiver of mixed signals, I found some of the root causes were (1) not over an ex, but wanting a companion/lover to fill the void; (2) allowing comparison of said ex to fog his visual and personality acuity; (3) ambivalence about embarking on a for real relationship or a superficial relationship, while acknowledging some feelings existed; and (4) protective walls that impeded emotional intimacy/attachment.

As the giver of mixed signals, my root causes were (1) remaining hopeful of a relationship with someone else not entirely out of the picture; (2) fear of conflicts; (3) waffling red flags; and (4) protective walls that impeded trust.

In other words, lack of emotional health that promotes healthy dating and ultimately, bonding.

I think you have two choices if you are fairly interested in this lady. One, you can take a risk, be vulnerable and communicate what you've told us here. That you sensed many mixed signals and you'd like to clarify where her head is before going any further. Or, you can chalk this up to a mismatch, not compatible, or too red flag-draped and move on. After 5 or 6 encounters, I would have thought a more in depth emotional exchange could have happened. Perhaps you'll have to step outside your comfort zone.

Ambivalent people, i.e., the hot/cold, don't know what they want/need folks, are not in a good place, IMO, and end up bruising both participants, though the mixed person doesn't usually see it that way most times.

Good luck.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  September 20,2010, 9:48am
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If you liked her, call her and ask her out again. If she says either "yes" or "oh I already have plans but I'd love to do that [some specific other time] instead", then she's interested.

Successful communication is 'message-sent = message-received'. This sounds like your communication has been not entirely successful. Sometimes that really is the fault of just 1 person, but more often it's on both people. You could talk to her about it, or you could just go forward and see what happens.
 
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jgy60a is offline jgy60a Post #10  September 20,2010, 4:47pm
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Thanks to everyone who responded. I do appreciate it.

The responses seem to fall into the following categories:
(1) There are no mixed signals. She digs me. I'm overreacting and worrying about nothing.
(2) She is shy.
(3) Take a risk and ask her what she's thinking.

I tried calling her 4 days ago. She didn't answer (could not be home), and she hasn't returned my call. I take that as a bad signal (very bad).

I can try sending email, but I tried that with another woman, and got no real info out of it. See:

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...ce-needed.html (Why can't I get a straight answer to a straight question? Advice needed.)


Sure, I can move on. The real questions I have here are:
(a) Are these, or are these not, mixed signals (eg. throwing arms around me, then sitting at other end of couch, repeat...)? See OP.
(b) If mixed signals, then why?

Thanks!
 
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