From friends to more?


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WA_hiker is offline WA_hiker Post #1  September 18,2010, 9:03pm
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Ok, pretty pathetic, but figured I might as well ask and see what people here say.

Basically there's this girl I've been friends with for several months. We do a lot of stuff together, hiking, climbing, etc. We also study the same subject in grad school so obviously we see a lot of each other. Thing is I am attracted to her and would like it to go from friends to something more. However, I'm really shy when it comes to these kinds of things (I get the impression she is as well, I don't think she's had a boyfriend in the recent past), and basically haven't made any move in this regard on any of the many opportunities I've had in the past. I can't really tell if she has any interest in me or not, I am terrible at reading "signals". I've had the impression she might be receptive but I'm not sure.

So I guess the question is, how do I proceed? Straight up say that I'm interested in something more and see how she responds (and probably come off as being all nervous and unconfident while doing so)? Try to probe out the situation somehow to see if she's interested without being so overt? Ignore my attraction and just keep it a friendship and look for other girls?

Any tips? The more specific the better. Ladies? If there was a male friend you've had for a few months that's never brought up having a romantic interest in you before, what would be the least weird way for him to bring it up? If it turns out she's interested, where do we go from there? What's the next step? I mean, first/second/third date material is long past us, we already know quite a bit about each other. If she's not interested, how do you keep things from getting really awkward?

Thanks for any advice...
 
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pisto is offline pisto Post #2  September 18,2010, 9:07pm
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You've been on the forums long enough to know what replies you're going to get. I think you should ask her out to dinner. Be sure to use the words "on a date." There's no mistaking that. Since you know her well, pick a day and time she's going to be free.
 
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windsurfing is offline windsurfing Post #3  September 18,2010, 9:32pm
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Did you guys hike together with other ppl included or just you two alone?

A few months are very very long time and you guys have already established as friends. Were you not interested in her before?

To change it, a romantic dinner or something romantic outdoor may be good ones. Pick a nice, romantic restaurant if you are going on dinner.

I think it good to start flirting on this actual date. I think it manly to show your interest face-to-face, not in text or email.

The risk of saying you want to invite her to a date in advance is that she may not come at all bc you guys are basically friends now.

But if you actually hang out with her alone and say something romantic there, it's more likely for her to give it a thought than when you say you want to invite her to a date after the math course or something. It would sound out of the blue.

I understand you don't want her to shoot you saying, "oh, was this meant to a date? really?" But I think it still safer to communicate your interest at the actual alone time bc of your long, long history as friends.

I feel that, if you say you want a relationship out of the blue, she may just shoot you down. Also, never, ever try to kiss her at the first or second date. It's very risky bc you guys have been friends. She may pull back and may never talk to you (have gone through awful experiences like that).

But if you keep flirting, she may start seeing you as the opposite sex and you may grow on her. You guys have been friends for a long time, and it's pretty puzzling and even upsetting when a guy suddenly changes and tries to make a move. Be patient, keep flirting, and give it some time.
 
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WA_hiker is offline WA_hiker Post #4  September 18,2010, 9:50pm
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windsurfing wrote :
Did you guys hike together with other ppl included or just you two alone?
A lot of times with bigger groups, a few times just the two of us.

wrote :
A few months are very very long time and you guys have already established as friends. Were you not interested in her before?
I guess at first I wasn't. If I did at the beginning I probably would just have asked her out right at the start shortly after we met. I guess her physical looks aren't what I usually found attractive but as we hung out I got more used to her and now find her quite good-looking.

wrote :
To change it, a romantic dinner or something romantic outdoor may be good ones. Pick a nice, romantic restaurant if you are going on dinner.

I think it good to start flirting on this actual date. I think it manly to show your interest face-to-face, not in text or email.
Yeah I didn't even consider doing it in text/email. That would just be weak.

wrote :
But if you actually hang out with her alone and say something romantic there, it's more likely for her to give it a thought than when you say you want to invite her to a date after the math course or something. It would sound out of the blue.
Ha, yeah, thought about this. Went through my head the scenario of mentioning it while we're on some hike. Then if she's not interested... boy that'd be a long and quiet drive back to town afterwards heh. The dinner suggestion is probably better.

wrote :
I understand you don't want her to shoot you saying, "oh, was this meant to a date? really?" But I think it still safer to communicate your interest at the actual alone time bc of your long, long history as friends.

I feel that, if you say you want a relationship out of the blue, she may just shoot you down. Also, never, ever try to kiss her at the first or second date. It's very risky bc you guys have been friends. She may pull back and may never talk to you (have gone through awful experiences like that).

But if you keep flirting, she may start seeing you as the opposite sex and you may grow on her. You guys have been friends for a long time, and it's pretty puzzling and even upsetting when a guy suddenly changes and tries to make a move. Be patient, keep flirting, and give it some time.
Thanks, sounds like good advice.
 
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windsurfing is offline windsurfing Post #5  September 18,2010, 10:15pm
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Yeah, as you guys have a lot of opprtunities to see each other, I think it safer and actually more effective to take it slow in changing the established friendship into a romantic relationship. It takes some time for mutual attraction to grow and I think it nice if you can take the initiative. You can show your interest in ways that do not demand an immediate answer (within a reasonable time range; you don't want to end up a "flirty friend" forever).

If it works, it sounds like you'd make a lovely couple. Good luck
Last edited by windsurfing; September 18,2010 at 10:18pm.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  September 18,2010, 10:17pm
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The big problem here is have you been moved into friendzone in here head...if so.... there is no hope.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  September 18,2010, 10:17pm
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I had a male friend in college -- platonic, we hung out a lot, were very good friends. If he had said something to me at the time along the lines of "have you ever thought about us as maybe a couple instead of as friends?" I think it's possible that relationship might have shifted into romance.

Saying something like that would be more direct than flirting. You know not everyone is a flirter. Sometimes people don't pick up on it, never do it ... but it doesn't mean they have no romance in them.

Just another option to think about.

But however you go about it, bear in mind, what have you lost if you make the attempt and you get shot down? Possibly a friendship; and you may have to endure some pain etc. But the upside is perhaps having the love of your life.

Much bigger upside than downside.
 
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pisto is offline pisto Post #8  September 18,2010, 10:26pm
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Can't pretend I think like most people, but if she such a good friend, and she's just not into you romantically, then she should be able to take your interest as a compliment and not end your friendship. It might be a little awkward for a while, but come on, this isn't high school. Just be conscientious of clues she's not interested even if she doesn't say it outright (not wanting to hurt your feelings)

I don't advise being subtle at all.
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #9  September 18,2010, 10:37pm
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It's not a pathetic question at all. You two have much in common and seem to enjoy each others company...that is a great start. I assume that you have good communication (as you have spent time alone with her). Be open and honest with her about how you feel. Try not to come on too strong and don't be nervous about this. Remember you are friends so you already have a start. If it is meant to be it will happen, if not she is a friend and that is not a bad thing at all. Also, there are some great articles that have been posted on the dating advice part of the forum on reading body language (you can do a search). Good luck!
 
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ian80au is offline ian80au Post #10  September 19,2010, 1:34am
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This is the reason I can't go down the "Friends First" path because I inevitably get pigeon holed.
 
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