Need Advice from Widowers


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
socalgal55 is offline socalgal55 Post #1  August 30,2010, 12:53pm
socalgal55's Avatar

Enjoying the beginning of Fall

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2010

Southern CA

Posts: 926

See profile

I'm slated to go out on a date with a man from match who's wife died in Sept. of 2009. What are some thoughts on this? Is it to soon for him to be dating? I know everyone is different but what is the consensus? I appreciate any advice as I've never dated a widower and don't really know what to expect. I'm not saying that you all are different, I'm just saying I have zero experience with this situation. TIA
 
  Reply With Quote
suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #2  August 30,2010, 1:38pm
suzyblueeyes's Avatar

is engaged

Enthusiast

Joined: Dec 2008

USA

Posts: 855

See profile

It's different for every person. For me, it took a few years before I was really ready. I would imagine it could be sooner if it was the result of an extended illness. Or it could be never. I wouldn't judge based solely on a label like "widower". If you like him, go out with him and judge for yourself whether you think he's emotionally available.
 
  Reply With Quote
deegoesgreen is offline deegoesgreen Post #3  August 30,2010, 2:08pm
deegoesgreen's Avatar

beagles are best

Pacesetter

Joined: Dec 2008

South Carolina

Posts: 368

See profile

I was widowed 10 years ago. I've met many widowers over the years and dated one who was at his one year mark. As suzyblueyes says, every widower is different. So much depends on details about his wife's passing, their marriage, and so forth, but most importantly, what he feels he needs at this point in time. Try not to make any assumptions about him. It's true that widowers tend to recouple somewhat quicker than widows, but tend to be slower at shedding her "presence" in his home.

In my case, I wasn't ready to date for about two years. Each person is unique, as is their story. You may need to be fairly patient if he talks about her. It shouldn't be an off limits topic, but hopefully, he won't be overly concentrated on her either. However, since he's just coming up on the anniversary of her death, it's very common for him to struggle, be less communicative, or be unavailable to an extent.

Are you his first "date?"
 
  Reply With Quote
ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #4  August 30,2010, 2:28pm
ami1uwant's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2008

Seattle, WA

Posts: 4,639

See profile

socalgal55 wrote :
I'm slated to go out on a date with a man from match who's wife died in Sept. of 2009. What are some thoughts on this? Is it to soon for him to be dating? I know everyone is different but what is the consensus? I appreciate any advice as I've never dated a widower and don't really know what to expect. I'm not saying that you all are different, I'm just saying I have zero experience with this situation. TIA
Widower can bite and are poisoness...always avoid them---need the antivenon to cure you.

sorry.,..something entirely different.

Its almost a year ago. He should be fine.

Did he mention to you if you are his first date...if so then he will be very nervous and unsure of how to ride the bike again.

It really isnt any different than someone whose divorce entered a divorce and it came out of the blue to him.

Either way he still does have memories of her. There is a place in his heart for her that you need to respect if this develops into something more.
 
  Reply With Quote
socalgal55 is offline socalgal55 Post #5  August 30,2010, 4:15pm
socalgal55's Avatar

Enjoying the beginning of Fall

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2010

Southern CA

Posts: 926

See profile

Thanks all, great advice, I clearly know we are all different and unique just wanted to get some feedback on the amount of time it's been.

Disclaimer here: I am not a stalker, never have been and never will be. He gave me his full name and the city he lives in so I did a google search on him and there was the obituary. There was a picture of her as well, so sad. He never told me how long it's been as we've only communicated in email. His match profile lists him as a widower. We did set-up a time to talk tonight on the phone.

I'm a very easy gal to get along with so if he needs to talk about her it won't bother me, in fact, it's probably a good thing as it must still be painful. I can't even imagine. I would never not go out on a date with a man just because he's a widower. I don't know if this is his first date and I don't want to ask either.

Thanks for all the insight, it's been helpful.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  August 30,2010, 4:29pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,677

See profile

Although it is not something I ever dealt with, in my age group, I would meet like any other match.

Variation between persons due to status of widowed, is less than random variation between persons anyway. That's how I'd go into it.
 
  Reply With Quote
chimerical is offline chimerical Post #7  August 30,2010, 5:09pm
chimerical's Avatar

is an albino axolotl.

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2009

Arkansas

Posts: 4,154

See profile

My mom began dating again less than a year after my dad passed away, but in that case, it was a death after several years of illness. She didn't seem to have any problems that a date would notice, imo. I think, be sensitive, but don't treat him any differently than any other date. For some, a year may seem short; for others, it seems long.
 
  Reply With Quote
Botenmaru is offline Botenmaru Post #8  August 30,2010, 6:10pm
Botenmaru's Avatar

told himself stop posting...

Quick Study

Joined: Aug 2010

Chicago

Posts: 176

See profile

Scenario 1: people like me, invested all I have in a relationship, I am passionated, devoted, it took me 5 years to get over a sudden death, because I didn't have time to prepare for it.

Scenario 2: surviving spouse of a terminal ill patient, they have the time to prepare, surviving spouse often taking the time to think over the worst scenario, what will they do, when they preform their last duty as a faithful spouse, they have enough peace in heart to move on, so I am not surprise to see many surviving spouse able to move on after their love one die to a long term illness.

My sincere condolence.
 
  Reply With Quote
Botenmaru is offline Botenmaru Post #9  August 30,2010, 6:17pm
Botenmaru's Avatar

told himself stop posting...

Quick Study

Joined: Aug 2010

Chicago

Posts: 176

See profile

I am sorry, I couldn't make my post sound more poetic, 5 years of grieve took the inspiration out of me, now I am redefining myself through new experience in life.
 
  Reply With Quote
superbeetle is offline superbeetle Post #10  August 30,2010, 6:29pm
superbeetle's Avatar

is not here

Quick Study

Joined: Dec 2009

Posts: 194

See profile

I'm sorry for your loss, Boten. I hope you're able to build a happy life for yourself going forward.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Am I a schmuck if I take him back? | Dating | Monday, August 30th weekend and date roundup! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Welcome and Tips for eHarmony Advice Newbies! eHA_Admin_Lori Talk to your Community Team 10 February 9,2012 12:07pm
What's the best advice you've read on our boards? eHA_Admin_Lori Dating 89 August 14,2010 9:21pm
Thoughts? Advice? Single Parent Input? Thalia16 Ask a Dating Expert 2 June 6,2010 9:41am
Bad Advice WeDesignOurLives Intelligent Conversation 28 February 14,2010 5:37am
Are you NEW to eHarmony Advice? Welcome! PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING! eH_Advice_Admin_Lori Dating 0 April 16,2009 10:39am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did answer and then also updated with news that I was premature - there is no relationship after all.” –  picklesNcream

Join the “Blast off...!” discussion

“For dating. I'm basically in a (lifelong) rut that I would like to get out of. Sadly, my good friends are also in the same place as I am - if not worse. The topic of women is non existent among ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “So I've been thinking about getting a coach.” discussion

“I need some advice. I'm 18, never kissed/dated a girl nor obviously had a girlfriend. I just finished my first year at a top 30 university (full ride scholarship) with a 4.0 GPA. Starting my ... ” –  jrw93

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“The point is no me seeing their photos, I can see their photos; it is them seeing my photos. This means nothing can be gauged by any interest they show to you. On FCW I've noticed the non-paying ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“TD, Have you PM'd eH_Advice_Host_Eve to ask her for help? She is good at helping people tweak their settings so they are more likely to get the results they want. Please consider contacting her if ... ” –  tink333

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Did you know OT stands for on topic and off topic?” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Off -Topic” discussion

“My inner child says I am. Anastasia is intriguing. (Her name too). I like the dress she's wearing in the ad. I wonder how eHarmony picks the couples for their print and TV ads.” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Where is Becky?!?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:35am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0