a little brain scratch case here..


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easy_breezy is offline easy_breezy Post #1  August 28,2010, 10:38am
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hi all,

need your help/opinion please...i have a little situation here (the story is a little long, I'll try to keep it short, but i think you need a little detail to get the full picture)

I met a guy about 6 months ago via some friends... Instant chemistry and a high attraction from both sides.

He asked my friend for my number after I left. She called me to ask if it was ok to give it to him. I said yes, but she didn't give it to him. (she told me later on that she didn't think we were both looking for the same things...) I didn't insist and moved on, since he's more her friend and a couple of years younger than me anyway.

our paths crossed again last week. We chatted a bit and finally exchanged numbers.

He called me every day for 5 days, but always after 10pm... he works until 7 to 9pm and always has friends around, so I kind of understood.

He's a big flirt and jokes around a lot.
the first couple of nights we spoke for about 4 to 5 hours each day. Once in a while he would joke about me going over to his place to talk and keep each other company. I always refused, saying it was too late and I was sleepy.

Then finally after the 5th night, he called me earlier in the day and asked me to go over to watch movies & chat in person that evening.

I finally accepted, hesitant, but still went, cause I really like him & there's a huge attraction.

as soon as I got there, he hugged me & kissed me as if we had been together already... It actually felt natural so i went along with it.
Things got a bit more heated later on that evening (I was there for about 6 hours)

We didn't have sex, but did get quite steamy...
we hugged & kissed all night. In all, we had a great night together and when i left him, all was good.

But it's been 3 days now and he hasn't called or texted.

I'm feeling like a total idiot now. Cause i had my hopes up that this was going to go somewhere.

i know that if i call him, he'll respond and want to see me again, but I don't want to make the 1st move because I don't want to seem desperate.

What I need to know from you is:
can a serious relationship develop after you've been already intimate with someone? Or have I messed up all my chances by going over to his place that fast?

help please!
 
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astro42 is offline astro42 Post #2  August 28,2010, 10:53am
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It's hard to say what he's after at this point.

To answer your direct question, getting physical early on means different things to different people. For me, it doesn't say anything about the development of a relationship later--if anything, it's a positive. Some people will disagree, but that just goes to show you that there is no one answer to your question.

As for what you should do, if you want to talk to him: call him. It's best if you have a specific plan and want to meet up with him. Ask him to dinner or coffee, or just to hang out. It's not the 1950s any more, and women are just as capable as men at asking someone out. If he is interested, he will say yes to your offer, or at the very least provide a specific alternative. If he is evasive, then you'll have your answer that way too.

Don't feel bad about what happened.

Hope this helps.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  August 28,2010, 11:14am
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i know that if i call him, he'll respond and want to see me again, but I don't want to make the 1st move because I don't want to seem desperate.

A mistake you are making is to feel that there is - or ever was - any point in talking on the phone.

I rarely use the phone before meeting, and never (not once in my life) for anything like 4 hours. Once I meet, the phone is only for arranging meeting.

So, there is no sign of a problem by not calling. (I would have indicated when I expected to be able to meet next, if I were him, however.)

You calling will not seem desperate (though, talking for 4 hours sure does.)


What I need to know from you is:
can a serious relationship develop after you've been already intimate with someone?

In my experience, that is the only way.


Or have I messed up all my chances by going over to his place that fast?

No. At most you have hastened the discovery of an incompatibility which would have been uncovered anyway.

About half of my first meetings were in my house or her home (with half of those being her parents' house.)
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #4  August 28,2010, 11:42am
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Seriously, astro, you always post what I'm thinking!

Anyway, OP... if you're still interested in him, what I would do is call him. Keep the conversation light. If he asks you to come over again, just say something like "Hey, there's this movie playing over at the mall that I really want to see. Would you want to go with me?" If he doesn't, suggest something else you two could do out of the house or ask him for ideas. If he isn't up for anything other than you coming over, then I'm not sure this has a future.

Getting physical early doesn't mean a relationship isn't possible. It could mean the chemistry between the two of you is just out of this world, and that's a good thing. But if that's all he wants to do, it could be he isn't looking for the kind of relationship you want.
 
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astro42 is offline astro42 Post #5  August 28,2010, 11:51am
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chawks64 wrote :
Seriously, astro, you always post what I'm thinking!
My telepathy-device is working!
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #6  August 28,2010, 11:58am

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Why are you making this about any physical activity. This is about you not calling. Call him or don't but don't put it all in his court to call you. For all you know he thinks you haven't called because he was so physical so fast. So you both get to sit there staring at the phone like two idiots waiting for the other.

If you want to talk to him call.
Last edited by Can_I_just_be_Jo; August 28,2010 at 12:00pm. Reason: I don't understand humans
 
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nophotos is offline nophotos Post #7  August 28,2010, 12:02pm
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Is your mutual friend a good friend of yours? It's possible he said something in that initial exchange which set off her alarms.

If you were the friend and she was the one going through this, what would you suggest to her?
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #8  August 28,2010, 12:09pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
Why are you making this about any physical activity. This is about you not calling. Call him or don't but don't put it all in his court to call you. For all you know he thinks you haven't called because he was so physical so fast. So you both get to sit there staring at the phone like two idiots waiting for the other.

If you want to talk to him call.
There you go, getting all logical again.

Sheesh!
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #9  August 28,2010, 12:40pm
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chawks64 wrote :
Seriously, astro, you always post what I'm thinking!

Anyway, OP... if you're still interested in him, what I would do is call him. Keep the conversation light. If he asks you to come over again, just say something like "Hey, there's this movie playing over at the mall that I really want to see. Would you want to go with me?" If he doesn't, suggest something else you two could do out of the house or ask him for ideas. If he isn't up for anything other than you coming over, then I'm not sure this has a future.

Getting physical early doesn't mean a relationship isn't possible. It could mean the chemistry between the two of you is just out of this world, and that's a good thing. But if that's all he wants to do, it could be he isn't looking for the kind of relationship you want.
Great advice!....(as always)
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #10  August 28,2010, 1:46pm

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If you don't want to rush into intimacy, avoid going over to his house. I pretty much assume that when I invite a man to my house or he invites me to his, there is an unspoken potential for intimacy.

I disagree that an eventual close relationship is negated by quick intimacy..I'm in exactly that position myself..I've known the man I am presently sharing a motel room (pretty seedy sounding huh?) with less than 3 weeks-but we had a quick click and said what the heck..go for it. Right now he is playing in the pool with a bunch of kids-we are going to a concert tonight together and I went shopping for something nicer than what I brought with me. WE get along, enjoy the same things and don't make plans for a long future yet-we are getting to know each other more each time we are together.

OP-you get to decide what you want. You have talked to this man for quite a while-if you desire intimacy with him, then have it, sans guilt please. If you don't then don't put yourself in a position to need to say no not yet or whatever.

There aren't any rules about this except your own and his-your age and upbringing is what will guide your decision-and your decisions won't change his..what I mean is what he wants may not be what you want.

Your friend might have been correct in her assumption that you are looking for different things right now.
 
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