apes44 is offline apes44 Post #1  August 18,2010, 5:12pm
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I am at a loss here, and am new to this board so Im going to do my best to describe but also need advice!

I met a girl back in April, she is 38, 2 kids divorced, teacher and does alot of extra work at school, I am 25, at the time was on disability due to a car accident and had all the free time in the world, I went back to work so getting together was harder because my schedule had me working til almost 7:30 every night and this was a problem becuase prior to going on disability i would work out with a friend til 9, so at the earlist i could see her was like 9:30 (which i know i need to make her a priority and she was other than 1 night a week of the 4 we could spend together I did have to go after work to lift.) The whole time her ex and now good friend did nothing but bad mouth me because he didnt like the age difference, yet he never met me and saw how well we got along, all her other friends loved me. I admit there was an agre gap and there were some flaws with it but nothing major that communication couldnt have fixed, (basically because I was not a homeowner or did not have kids, there were things I didnt realize need to be done, but she wouldnt ask me just expect me to know) and saying I never callled, but when i did call if she was with her kids she wouldnt answer because she felt bad talking in front of them. She had breast implants and because I was working and could not get off as it was my first week back and my manager said if I needed that day off, my job wasnt there, so she had her "friend" who hates me take her, i planned on going over her house every night after work, the first night she told me not to come because it was already late and she was sleepy. It all went down hill from there. I still really have feelings for her, and we met to play racquetball yesterday and as soon i saw her again I fell for her instantly. I want to be with her but dont know what to do, I brought up maybe starting over and she avoided the topic and said she isnt sure what she wants so she has nothing to say?

Please give me advice as this is driving me crazy and I dont know what to do
 
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annother is offline annother Post #2  August 18,2010, 5:43pm
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If I understand this correctly, you have a demanding work schedule that makes it difficult for you to meet her, you can't empathize with house and family issues because of a lack of experience, and she dumped you because you couldn't be with her when she had surgery.

You can no longer give her the time and attention you once did so she has reverted to the companionship of someone else. I'd say this was over.
 
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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #3  August 18,2010, 6:26pm
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The best advice is probably to move on, even though it hurts. There are so many problems here, it doesn't sound like you can even begin to unravel them.

Move on. Date other people. Try to forget her.

Good luck.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #4  August 18,2010, 6:58pm
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apes44 wrote :
I am at a loss here, and am new to this board so Im going to do my best to describe but also need advice!

I met a girl back in April, she is 38, 2 kids divorced, teacher and does alot of extra work at school, I am 25, at the time was on disability due to a car accident and had all the free time in the world, I went back to work so getting together was harder because my schedule had me working til almost 7:30 every night and this was a problem becuase prior to going on disability i would work out with a friend til 9, so at the earlist i could see her was like 9:30 (which i know i need to make her a priority and she was other than 1 night a week of the 4 we could spend together I did have to go after work to lift.) The whole time her ex and now good friend did nothing but bad mouth me because he didnt like the age difference, yet he never met me and saw how well we got along, all her other friends loved me. I admit there was an agre gap and there were some flaws with it but nothing major that communication couldnt have fixed, (basically because I was not a homeowner or did not have kids, there were things I didnt realize need to be done, but she wouldnt ask me just expect me to know) and saying I never callled, but when i did call if she was with her kids she wouldnt answer because she felt bad talking in front of them. She had breast implants and because I was working and could not get off as it was my first week back and my manager said if I needed that day off, my job wasnt there, so she had her "friend" who hates me take her, i planned on going over her house every night after work, the first night she told me not to come because it was already late and she was sleepy. It all went down hill from there. I still really have feelings for her, and we met to play racquetball yesterday and as soon i saw her again I fell for her instantly. I want to be with her but dont know what to do, I brought up maybe starting over and she avoided the topic and said she isnt sure what she wants so she has nothing to say?

Please give me advice as this is driving me crazy and I dont know what to do

I missing the time line here...you met in April...when was the surgery?

I would not trust you if I was the kids father because I seriously wonder why she was interested in you because of the age difference. You being young it would be difficult to go from single and 25..to married with a 38 yr old women and kids.

Her getting implants...why????????????? Unless she had breasts removed because of genetics/cancer risk or had cancer this procedure is really unnecessary ---at her age. It make me wonder what her motives are....
 
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kittykatnyc is offline kittykatnyc Post #5  August 18,2010, 7:29pm
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Wow. Is this post 'for real?' It sounds like neither one of you are ready for a mature relationship. Get your own ducks in a row. Make sure you have time for a new 'love' in your life. Then make room for that 'love' to occur.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  August 19,2010, 7:49am
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Personally I would say that you dodged a bullet on this one. This woman is looking very self-centered. Really big princess complex.

While I believe that age is just a number there is a huge difference in outlook and stage of life between a 25 year old and a 38 year old. I would suggest that you go for girls that are a little closer to your age and are therefore at a similar stage in their life.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  August 19,2010, 8:16am
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I don't think age is the factor here at all. I broke up with someone a month ago because he seemed to have time only for himself. We are both busy people with crazy hours and we scheduled specific times to see each other. For whatever reason something usually mundane always came up to intrude on an already limited time schedule. I was expected to be flexible, and accommodate these situations, but he was not at all willing to step out of his regiment. Tried talking, got heartfelt apologies and then the situation would happen again. I pulled the plug because of selfishness. He had some great qualities, but when washing the car, and bike riding infringed on the date, it was clear where his priorities lay. Now he claims to be heart broken.

I think we are being tough on this woman. We've only heard one side of the story. The OP may not have even realized how he was coming off. My date had no clue.
 
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writergal is offline writergal Post #8  August 19,2010, 2:41pm
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apes44 wrote :
I am at a loss here, and am new to this board so Im going to do my best to describe but also need advice!

I met a girl back in April, she is 38, 2 kids divorced, teacher and does alot of extra work at school, I am 25, at the time was on disability due to a car accident and had all the free time in the world, I went back to work so getting together was harder because my schedule had me working til almost 7:30 every night and this was a problem becuase prior to going on disability i would work out with a friend til 9, so at the earlist i could see her was like 9:30 (which i know i need to make her a priority and she was other than 1 night a week of the 4 we could spend together I did have to go after work to lift.) The whole time her ex and now good friend did nothing but bad mouth me because he didnt like the age difference, yet he never met me and saw how well we got along, all her other friends loved me. I admit there was an agre gap and there were some flaws with it but nothing major that communication couldnt have fixed, (basically because I was not a homeowner or did not have kids, there were things I didnt realize need to be done, but she wouldnt ask me just expect me to know) and saying I never callled, but when i did call if she was with her kids she wouldnt answer because she felt bad talking in front of them. She had breast implants and because I was working and could not get off as it was my first week back and my manager said if I needed that day off, my job wasnt there, so she had her "friend" who hates me take her, i planned on going over her house every night after work, the first night she told me not to come because it was already late and she was sleepy. It all went down hill from there. I still really have feelings for her, and we met to play racquetball yesterday and as soon i saw her again I fell for her instantly. I want to be with her but dont know what to do, I brought up maybe starting over and she avoided the topic and said she isnt sure what she wants so she has nothing to say?

Please give me advice as this is driving me crazy and I dont know what to do

You need to move on and date someone closer to your own age, who doesn't have as much emotional baggage as this woman seems to have.

If you stay with this woman, you will regret it in more ways then you could possibly know. You are both in totally different "chapters" of your lives right now. You're just beginning your life, whereas she's had 13 more years of life experience than you. You deserve to be with someone closer to your age, who you can relate to better, and grow emotionally with. Don't throw away your life by being with this woman who can't relate well to where you're at in life at 25 years old. Do you understand?

She avoided the topic of starting over because she knows she can string you along because of the power imbalance in this relationship, since you've put up with her toxic behavior this far.

In all relationships we create "boundaries" with each other. Some are healthy, some aren't. It's up to you to create some healthy boundaries with this woman IF you want to have a relationship with her. But I think you're far better off breaking up with her, cutting off all contact with her, spending time focusing on your job, hanging out with your friends and family, and dating a woman who is much younger, with no children.
Last edited by writergal; August 19,2010 at 2:45pm.
 
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