Percival is offline Percival Post #1  August 6,2010, 3:00pm
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Hi all

Just found this forum and seen the good advice here. Wanted to share an experience so someone can comment or share his/hers, as I'm in a bit of disbelief or at leat very confused.

Have been dating a woman for some time. At first only sporadically due to work reasons, but after the second meet things kind of started to move around well. I am sure she has been seeing other people as well and no issues with that.

Both of us are coming from LTR. We have stayed overnight on each others home, but no sex, mostly due to her being closed to it. This despite her own words about level of compatibility between us and the passionate kissing and touching and all that, but no sex. In bed, the touching became nearly impossible bar hugging each other and sleeping close. To me that seems to be odd but thought she needed more time or maybe a clear indication that she was prepared.

On one of or mutual overnight stays it happened that she ramped things up and opened herself for sex but I was not in for it. Guess the fact it happened suddenly with no build-up and my anxiety for not screwing things up culminated in a screw-up, in the end I wanted the occasion to be special and it turned into a disaster. She clearly took the outcome as a sign of rejection regardless of me trying to say and explain otherwise, in fact trying to provide an explanation as to why.

However we continued to see each other as beforehand and the next stage involved taking some days together. I think both saw it as a way to close any open loops and define the next steps. First day went wonderfully well, but again at night the routine of bed sharing with no sex. I was now becoming a bit confused. Following day she wakes up in a weird mood and everything blows off the gasket. In fact, at one point in the discussion she becomes critical about the bed sharing, something that she initiated, and goes back to my rejection when she was ready for sex and that it was something she never experienced before. Basically: being naked, open and ready for a man and not getting it.

In was left in a bit of emotional disarray. One of the elements behid our escapade was to explore intimacy. We both were explicit about it, that was the plan. Then it all blows-off within 12 hours. Initially I was left in a what is this all about. Moved from a point where we both seemed keen on exploring how to move forward one day, the next day into this goes no more, the following day into a routine of sharing as before but without the level of physical connection we had before. She parted ways asking for my plans for the week and checking when we could see each other again.

In passing an observation. Before we were due to depart by chance I saw she checked on her eH profile. After some time I asked her if she was still seeing or dating other people in eH and she said emphatically that no, that was not the case. No need to doubt yet was not fully convinced. Then this happens. Then she wants to continue the relationship on a deep friendship level but in a way keeping options open.

I just don't know. On one hand I'd rather close the page and move on, on the other I'm very interested in this person. Clearly we had a very profound connection but could not get fully physical. As much as I think I might have screwed-up, I'm at odds at her reaction. Why not giving the possibility of sex a second chance? She has said it might be a question of her not being emotionally ready for a relationship. Then I see by chance this eH check.

If it needs to go, it needs to go and that's it I'm afraid. On our last day she had moments of physical closeness and moments when she was distant. Very confusing. She acknowledges the special character of our compatibility but that last mile has not been travelled. Maybe she has closed herself to her doubts yet she openly wants to share time with me, said it explicitly.

On other circumstances I would have walked away but I'm finding it very, very hard this time.

If anyone can share an opinion, more than glad to read it.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  August 6,2010, 4:13pm
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Ordinarily, as a stand-alone problem, I would say that dissapointing sex is to be expected, the first time with a new partner.

I do not find her reaction welcoming - although (generously) you may ignore it since her experience has been to always get it when she wanted.

Note to the above, everything on her terms is a problem - and one not to take lightly.

***

Continuing with online dating at this point is a deal-breaker for me.

I think this situation is not going to improve to any satisfactory degree - and the downside is significant.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  August 6,2010, 4:42pm
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Not sure why the holding back initially with sex...then when she opened up you turned her away...so any self confidence she had was lost.

It could be a control issue on her part of controlling when it happens.

The sex and everything is something you two ned to sit down and talk face to face. She is reading you saying no as her not being attractive enough for you. Even if that is fixed now that will come back to bite at a future time..say she sees you checking out some other woman.

Something like this happened with my ex-wife. sex was rare. I 99% of the time had to initiate and usually rejected about 98% of the time. One time she initiates it but it was just a bad time to do that given what I was going through with at the time and she knew about that. I told her no...she took it personally.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  August 6,2010, 4:53pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
The sex and everything is something you two ned to sit down and talk face to face. She is reading you saying no as her not being attractive enough for you. Even if that is fixed now that will come back to bite at a future time..say she sees you checking out some other woman.

This is an example of why baggage and insecurity should be countered when first encountered.

Put a stop to such nonsense or go not further.


ami1uwant wrote :
Something like this happened with my ex-wife. sex was rare. I 99% of the time had to initiate and usually rejected about 98% of the time. One time she initiates it but it was just a bad time to do that given what I was going through with at the time and she knew about that. I told her no...she took it personally.

Sounds to me like leaving this person was the right decision.

Did she change after marriage (indicating the marriage was built on a fraud)?
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  August 6,2010, 6:09pm
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Percival wrote :
Both of us are coming from LTR.
I'll get to this in a moment ...but I really didn't need to read any farther.

Percival wrote :
We have stayed overnight on each others home, but no sex, mostly due to her being closed to it. This despite her own words about level of compatibility between us and the passionate kissing and touching and all that, but no sex. In bed, the touching became nearly impossible bar hugging each other and sleeping close. To me that seems to be odd but thought she needed more time or maybe a clear indication that she was prepared.
NEVER ...ever ever ever (to infinity) ...stay overnight with someone you are dating with no expectation of sex. If she needs a "cuddle buddy", tell her to go buy a stuffed animal. That's just insane.

Percival wrote :
On one of or mutual overnight stays it happened that she ramped things up and opened herself for sex but I was not in for it.
She didn't *want* to have sex with you ...she thought it was 'expected' in order to keep you interested and supplicant to her emotional needs. It's called a Pity Lay.

Percival wrote :
Why not giving the possibility of sex a second chance?
...because she never wanted to give you the possibility of sex in the first place.

Percival wrote :
If anyone can share an opinion, more than glad to read it.
Yeah, I have an opinion ...both of you are rebounding on each other.

She is acting all psycho because she knows, not-so-deep-down, that she isn't attracted to you. You are ...well, frankly, you are willing to cut off your testicles (and she is willing to let you - in fact, would likely prefer it) ...all so the two of you aren't lonely.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  August 6,2010, 6:25pm
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BikerBeagle you said it well
BikerBeagle wrote :
NEVER ...ever ever ever (to infinity) ...stay overnight with someone you are dating with no expectation of sex. If she needs a "cuddle buddy", tell her to go buy a stuffed animal. That's just insane.
I was having trouble with the concept of sleeping together with the understanding of no sex but could not put my thoughts in words. You put what I was thinking into words. Thanks.
 
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Percival is offline Percival Post #7  August 6,2010, 10:30pm
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BIkerBeagle, what you have just said crossed my mind a thousand times and frankly I have no idea why I have not reacted to it and accepted things to continue.

At one stage I thought to myself why letting all this emotional manipulation to continue. You are right, sharing a bed without any expectation of sex? When it first happened I thought it was odd and should have stopped things immediately afterwards.

On her side, why let things go on with a guy you're not attracted to? Unless you have a hidden agenda or the need for an emotional tampon, I really don't know.

Think I was blind to the red flags laid down on the road. It makes me feel like an absoulte dork.

On the other hand I tend to think that might be an over-reaction but maybe it's simply a means to justify what can never be logically or emotionally justified.
 
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Percival is offline Percival Post #8  August 7,2010, 2:59pm
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Now I found she was still active on eH (despite her saying otherwise) when we were going along. I've been played with. Simple. Time to chalk it off as a bad experience.
Last edited by Percival; August 7,2010 at 3:59pm.
 
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