Bad break-up a deal-breaker?


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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  August 1,2010, 5:37pm

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Let's say you had a great couple of dates with someone, and the topic of exes didn't come up till a few dates in, once you were already interested.

If they told you that their last break up was several months ago and was painful and dramatic, would you feel that this was a deal-breaker?

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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  August 1,2010, 5:47pm
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I think I would worry, at least.

Why am I being told this? Is she fishing for validation or something?

Why did they have (cause) this problem?
 
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annother is offline annother Post #3  August 1,2010, 5:58pm
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No.

Most breakups are bad. That's life.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #4  August 1,2010, 6:12pm
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I would ask more questions, or wait for more information to be shared, before deciding if that person was ready for a new relationship.

If their recent breakup (I consider a few months to be recent) was difficult because he initiated it and his ex-gf was having a hard time accepting it, I would wonder if she lives nearby and/or has a key to his place.

If the breakup was difficult because the guy I was dating was troubled that his ex- ended the relationship, that probably would be a deal-breaker for me.

I dated someone a few years ago who had been divorced longer than I had. He filed for divorce after her infidelity. He was okay with it (so it seemed) but she showed up on his doorstep hysterical one night while I was there. Not good. Interestingly, they remarried.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; August 1,2010 at 6:15pm. Reason: Helping people reunite, once couple at a time... : )
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #5  August 1,2010, 6:15pm
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People get in relationships...and they break up from them....that is part of life. Some are easy and some are hard.

Them being in a relationship tells me they can handle a relationship (unless that was the reason for the breakup)
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  August 1,2010, 6:41pm

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Not a deal breaker for me....I'd be asking the same question, proceeding with caution if she were to say 'break up was amicable...and we're still friends'. Might even be a little tad more cautious with the latter.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #7  August 1,2010, 7:52pm
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I agree with PY_2.

"Painful and dramatic" indicates a lot less of the probability of the ex still being in the picture, which is the only thing that really matters ...

Although technically, I also agree with D_Lion: if I somehow knew that her last break-up was several months ago, and was painful and dramatic, it wouldn't really bother me all that much, in and of itself. But if she just spontaneously volunteered that fact "a few dates in," I would find that alarming.

I would certainly not expect the topic of "exes" to come up in the first couple of dates. If it did without a good reason (like unfortunately running into one, or something like that), I might find that a "deal-breaker."
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #8  August 1,2010, 8:09pm
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Everyone has had fine break-ups. Everyone has had painful ones. Though I'd be concerned if she hospitalized one of her ex'es...
 
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frogprince is offline frogprince Post #9  August 1,2010, 9:58pm
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
Everyone has had fine break-ups. Everyone has had painful ones. Though I'd be concerned if she hospitalized one of her ex'es...
I don't know. My sister had an ex kill himself but it was totally not her fault. A bad break-up could totally be the other persons fault. Unless you know the situation in it's entirety you can't make judgment.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  August 1,2010, 10:30pm
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As long as the past break up doesn't seep it's way into ours. I've had one too many guys make the ex's problems mine. Or, if they can't seem to let go of the hate they feel towards the ex. That is a huge red flag for me.
 
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