Dating Refresher 101 needed....!


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melman is offline melman Post #21  August 1,2010, 8:07am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Pam you seem to be following, at least some of, the program that dating coach Dr. Henry Cloud outlines in How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. If you have never read this book you may want to give it a look to tune up your approach to dating.

Though I can't say that it has worked for me.
Why do you keep recommending this book? What useful things have you learned from it? Since it hasn't really helped you.
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #22  August 1,2010, 11:12am
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melman wrote :
Why do you keep recommending this book? What useful things have you learned from it? Since it hasn't really helped you.
That part wasn't very nice or necessary.
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #23  August 1,2010, 11:26am
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deegoesgreen wrote :
Hi Pam. I'm 50ish and reentered the dating world after a long marriage (being widowed). I learned the ways of this brave new world by hard knocks. Luckily for me, my career has exposed me to tons of different venues for meeting strangers and conversing -- like those old-styled cocktail parties. I'm not afraid to talk to anyone, really, I just try to manage my verbosity meter. (Quite amazing since I was an exceptionally shy kid.)
I work in the "big city" next door which isn't really all that "big" -- in a small office, with a limited amount of contact with the public. The job before that was in a secure (i.e., "closed to the public") building where there was absolutely no contact with anyone who didn't work in that office. So, I joined eH in 2003 to try to actually *meet* people.
deegoesgreen wrote :
What comes to mind while reading your posts is your ability to engage prospective dates. Most people enjoy talking about themselves. I can stay engaged in conversation with a person with each tidbit they tell me, because one piece of info can generate lots of questions for me to ask. At work, I actually warn people not to get sucked into my office by my curiosity!!
I do fine talking with people. I can talk to almost anyone about almost anything. This past week, though, I unwittingly stepped into a landmine, making an innocent comment that was taken to mean I thought he was too skinny (What?!? I didn't say anything like that at all!) and it turns out he was teased about that, unmercifully, when he was younger.

I was feeling rotten about that last night, but in retrospect, I don't think there is any way you can find out about someone's buttons ahead of time, to avoid pushing them. I thought I recovered nicely, explaining what I meant by my comment, saying he looked fine etc. -- but I guess he didn't think I recovered that well...and that the way he interpreted my comment was some sort of deal breaker for him. Whatever. I didn't say what he thought I said, but if he thought I said it, perhaps he's not over his late wife enough to be out dating again already.
deegoesgreen wrote :
I was going to suggest the meetup.com groups, too. You can travel to that big ol' city nearby or you can start one of your own in your town, based on something you're passionate about and that others may enjoy, too. I belong to a hiking/adventure club in my area. Some are designed for people who just like to dine out, but don't want to do it alone. This is a great chance to learn enhanced socializing, work on conversations and heck, get you out of the house and away from the keyboard for awhile.

I always believed if we're out and about, enjoying our lives, doing what makes us happy, instead of dwelling on the lack of a partner, it will show in our demeanor. I've been discouraged by online sites, too. I'm currently working through the demise of a relationship, and when my head clears, I plan to try online dating again, contrary to how bleak the outlook is for my age group, based on what I read here.
I've been thinking of taking up square dancing again, in spite of the lack of a partner. I know the married ladies will share...so I'll still get to dance...but I sort of feel that's unfair to them (and it feels a little creepier to me now, than it did dancing with friends who had girlfriends there, back in my teens/young adulthood). Ah, whatever. It's probably worth a visit to a club to see if I remember enough to even dance anymore!

I'm involved in a couple other things, too, but they are either largely-solo volunteer activities, or clubs of mostly women. I should find something else that involves both men & women & the opportunity to talk (which choir doesn't offer!)
deegoesgreen wrote :
And doing some of the contacting doesn't bother me. It didn't work, but that didn't/doesn't stop me. (Contrary to what the guys say here: "I would love for a woman to approach/contact me.") Maybe you could be more proactive/aggressive with the matches you receive. ????
I like to feel like I'm making the most of my eH matches, so I contact EVERYONE except for those obviously a lot shorter than me, or with an obvious HUGE red flag. Most don't respond, so it's not like I am juggling a lot of people. I've been doing that for quite awhile now, because you can't meet someone if you don't "talk" to them, and the GC or OC process is how you "talk" on eH.
deegoesgreen wrote :
Truth is, whatever you've been doing, isn't moving the process along. So I hope you will get great advice here and see if a new perspective enhances your chances. Good luck.
Yeah, I know it's not working. Hence feeling down yesterday.

I think my take-away from the comments here is to try to find something both men & women do, active, outside of work & home, to get involved in. Might not meet anyone special there, but at least I'll get more of the socializing need met that way, and be able to practice conversing. (Although I think I'm pretty good at it as long as I don't step on land mines!)
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #24  August 1,2010, 11:30am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Pam you seem to be following, at least some of, the program that dating coach Dr. Henry Cloud outlines in How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. If you have never read this book you may want to give it a look to tune up your approach to dating.

Though I can't say that it has worked for me.
I think I bought that book a LONG time ago, maybe 6 years ago? For the life of me, I can't remember what it says!

In a nutshell, what is his recommended approach to dating? And why do you think it hasn't worked for you?
 
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melman is offline melman Post #25  August 1,2010, 11:39am
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newbie40something wrote :
That part wasn't very nice or necessary.
Hey, he admitted himself that the book wasn't helping him. So why recommend it to others?

I've asked this question many times and he's never answered it.

So keep your frowny face to yourself.
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #26  August 1,2010, 11:44am
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melman wrote :
Hey, he admitted himself that the book wasn't helping him. So why recommend it to others?

I've asked this question many times and he's never answered it.

So keep your frowny face to yourself.

It still wasn't very nice, so the frowny face stays.
 
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CluelessinATX is offline CluelessinATX Post #27  August 1,2010, 12:37pm
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pammersw wrote :

Most of the time I don't get asked if I'd like to go on another date. I'm usually willing to give it a shot, because, like you said, it takes time to get to know one another. But if the guy doesn't want to ask...should I? This is the part of "Dating 101" I don't know the answer to!
Interesting you brought this up. As I mentioned before, I usually want to go on a second date as long as nothing goes particularly bad on the first date, that will give us a change to get to know each other better. What I have found is 80% of the time I asked women on second dates at the end of the first date, they either lie or say "call me" (Through bad experiences I have found "call me" = "if you call me, I will ignore your call and your voicemail to let you know I"m not interested". Personally I think this very rude). I asked some female friends of mine about this and they advised me NEVER to ask a female for a second date at the end of the first date. This doesn't really make any sense to me, but I'm sick of being lied to, so I am now following their advice. The other piece of advice I got from them is "if a woman is interested in you, she will make sure you know". So from now on, if I'm interested in a second date, I plan to just let them know I really enjoyed meeting them, and if they want to go out again, just let me know sometime soon. (the ball is in their court).
 
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nunayabizness is offline nunayabizness Post #28  August 1,2010, 4:32pm

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People think that online dating is a solution to problems with real-life dating. The reality is that online dating IS real-life dating, just with a much bigger dating pool.

You still have to be reasonably attractive.
You still have to have a personality.
You still have to have something on the ball.

Your success rate with potential dates will be the same online as it would in the real world. Your rate of rejection will also be the same. The benefit of online dating is that if you are only attractive to 1 out of 1000 people, you will be able (statistically) to plow through your 999 rejections in order to meet your 1.

The best thing you could do is try to improve yourself. "Be yourself" is often bad advice for many people.
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #29  August 1,2010, 6:13pm
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nunayabizness wrote :
People think that online dating is a solution to problems with real-life dating. The reality is that online dating IS real-life dating, just with a much bigger dating pool.

You still have to be reasonably attractive.
You still have to have a personality.
You still have to have something on the ball.

Your success rate with potential dates will be the same online as it would in the real world. Your rate of rejection will also be the same. The benefit of online dating is that if you are only attractive to 1 out of 1000 people, you will be able (statistically) to plow through your 999 rejections in order to meet your 1.

The best thing you could do is try to improve yourself. "Be yourself" is often bad advice for many people.
This wasn't very nice. It implies I'm either not attractive, don't have a personality, or don't have anything on the ball.

None of which are anywhere close to the truth!

(And I see you posted the exact same message as the first message in a thread of its own, so you must be feeling rather proud of it.)
 
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