Dating Refresher 101 needed....!


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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #11  July 31,2010, 10:51pm
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Pam - I also have very little dating experience and one long marriage behind me, and haven't even had the opportunity for that first date yet, but I would imagine it could be a bit awkward for me too if it ever happens.

I actually have read about classes for dating - if you live in/near a larger city, you may want to check your area newspapers and yellow pages.

Good luck!
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #12  July 31,2010, 10:52pm
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CluelessinATX wrote :
If you got 5 second dates out of 12, you are doing better than me. I got 2 out of 20. I should be asking you for advice
I dunno (recounting, it was really about ten). Three of those were out-of-town guys who came here to meet me, with plans for a second or third activity already made before they got here. And one of them canceled the third activity at the end of the second. And this is in SEVEN YEARS! Ugh. Poor odds.
CluelessinATX wrote :
I agree with the advice posted early. Have a few topics in mind to be sure there are no luls in conversation. Another idea is to go to a place where you are doing something together (e.g. movie, show, live music, museum), so you can talk a little about that afterwards or during the event. I don't like when a women tells me she wants to meet at a bar on the first date so we can talk. I have no problem carrying on a conversation ( I think ). However a bar is loud, making it hard for us to hear each other and I feel women tend to judge quiet a lot on the first date.
Usually the first meets have been a coffee shop (outside table) or similar. One was at a dog park (we both brought our dogs, and it gave us something to talk about). A couple of times have been lunch or dinner. The conversation goes ok except I guess sometimes I say something that is taken the wrong way? It's like I've accidentally hit a hot button without intending to.
CluelessinATX wrote :
I'm usually willing to go on a second date as long as nothing goes bad on the first date. It seem like women don't want to go on a second date unless thing go very well on the first date. On first dates, people are nervous and don't have any history with each other, so I try not to judge too much on them. I just try to have a good time with the person and learn a little about them.

This is just one male's perspective for what it is worth.
Most of the time I don't get asked if I'd like to go on another date. I'm usually willing to give it a shot, because, like you said, it takes time to get to know one another. But if the guy doesn't want to ask...should I? This is the part of "Dating 101" I don't know the answer to!
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #13  July 31,2010, 10:56pm
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Work_in_Progress wrote :
Pam - I also have very little dating experience and one long marriage behind me, and haven't even had the opportunity for that first date yet, but I would imagine it could be a bit awkward for me too if it ever happens.

I actually have read about classes for dating - if you live in/near a larger city, you may want to check your area newspapers and yellow pages.

Good luck!
I live next to the biggest city in my state, and it isn't large enough for something like that.

I'm feeling very down right now and should get offline because I'm getting hit with a wave of "doomed to be alone the rest of my life" right now and I hate crying over my keyboard.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #14  July 31,2010, 11:02pm
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I am sorry you're feeling down about it all, pammers. Me too at times ... it gets old, doesn't it.

Are you close enough to the city to get involved in some activities there? I really think that's the best way to meet people ... at least if you don't fall in love you're doing something you like.

Rotary club.
Sierra club.
Volunteer work.
Dance classes.
.....
 
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melman is offline melman Post #15  July 31,2010, 11:03pm
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pammersw wrote :
And that was seven years' worth of first meets/dates! So I'm averaging meeting slightly more than one person a year. "A dozen or so" was probably a bit high...thinking back, 10 is more like it.
You've been on eH for 7 years?? My temples throb just thinking about that. 3 months at a time is all I can stand. My data is also similar to yours, as far as the general proportion of first/second/third dates.

I think the fundamental issue is that eH is really just a slightly advanced form of blind dating. And blind dating by its very nature, is very low-odds. Now, it's true that eH is supposed to give you compatibility screening and a little pre-communication, but is that any more helpful than your hairdresser or your aunt's neighbor setting you up with someone, on a hunch that you might hit it off? My experience says no, e-dating really isn't any better than that. It might even be worse.

eH just loves to promote their (rare, rare, rare) long-distance success stories, but I think that just puts pressure on everyone else that imagines it will work for them too.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #16  July 31,2010, 11:23pm
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pammersw wrote :
I live next to the biggest city in my state, and it isn't large enough for something like that.

I'm feeling very down right now and should get offline because I'm getting hit with a wave of "doomed to be alone the rest of my life" right now and I hate crying over my keyboard.
Awww, Pammers, I'm sorry.

I feel that way at times, too, but just try to remind myself that alone is better and less lonely than stuck in a bad relationship, and just keep getting out there and doing more things I enjoy where I might at the very least make some new friends.

I hope you wake up feeling better and more hopeful tomorrow.
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #17  August 1,2010, 4:32am
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Pam, try reading this book "Turn your Cablight On" it helped me a lot to see just what a numbers game it is and helped me to become more objective about the process, less inclined to take things personally.
 
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deegoesgreen is offline deegoesgreen Post #18  August 1,2010, 7:07am
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Hi Pam. I'm 50ish and reentered the dating world after a long marriage (being widowed). I learned the ways of this brave new world by hard knocks. Luckily for me, my career has exposed me to tons of different venues for meeting strangers and conversing -- like those old-styled cocktail parties. I'm not afraid to talk to anyone, really, I just try to manage my verbosity meter. (Quite amazing since I was an exceptionally shy kid.)

What comes to mind while reading your posts is your ability to engage prospective dates. Most people enjoy talking about themselves. I can stay engaged in conversation with a person with each tidbit they tell me, because one piece of info can generate lots of questions for me to ask. At work, I actually warn people not to get sucked into my office by my curiosity!!

I was going to suggest the meetup.com groups, too. You can travel to that big ol' city nearby or you can start one of your own in your town, based on something you're passionate about and that others may enjoy, too. I belong to a hiking/adventure club in my area. Some are designed for people who just like to dine out, but don't want to do it alone. This is a great chance to learn enhanced socializing, work on conversations and heck, get you out of the house and away from the keyboard for awhile.

I always believed if we're out and about, enjoying our lives, doing what makes us happy, instead of dwelling on the lack of a partner, it will show in our demeanor. I've been discouraged by online sites, too. I'm currently working through the demise of a relationship, and when my head clears, I plan to try online dating again, contrary to how bleak the outlook is for my age group, based on what I read here.
And doing some of the contacting doesn't bother me. It didn't work, but that didn't/doesn't stop me. (Contrary to what the guys say here: "I would love for a woman to approach/contact me.") Maybe you could be more proactive/aggressive with the matches you receive. ????

Truth is, whatever you've been doing, isn't moving the process along. So I hope you will get great advice here and see if a new perspective enhances your chances. Good luck.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #19  August 1,2010, 8:29am
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melman wrote :
You've been on eH for 7 years?? My temples throb just thinking about that. 3 months at a time is all I can stand. My data is also similar to yours, as far as the general proportion of first/second/third dates.

I think the fundamental issue is that eH is really just a slightly advanced form of blind dating. And blind dating by its very nature, is very low-odds. Now, it's true that eH is supposed to give you compatibility screening and a little pre-communication, but is that any more helpful than your hairdresser or your aunt's neighbor setting you up with someone, on a hunch that you might hit it off? My experience says no, e-dating really isn't any better than that. It might even be worse.

eH just loves to promote their (rare, rare, rare) long-distance success stories, but I think that just puts pressure on everyone else that imagines it will work for them too.
Reading through this leads me to wonder how / where anyone ever finds their soul mate.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #20  August 1,2010, 8:34am
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Pam you seem to be following, at least some of, the program that dating coach Dr. Henry Cloud outlines in How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. If you have never read this book you may want to give it a look to tune up your approach to dating.

Though I can't say that it has worked for me.
 
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