When to throw in the towel . . .


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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #31  August 1,2010, 9:10am
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Don't get me wrong: I have no problem with someone having very high standards.

The phenomonen I am describing isn't even a woman saying, "Gee, you're almost perfect, but I really need a match who is [this one other thing], and you're not ...."

I'm talking about a woman saying, "you DO meet my standards, and I'm STILL not going to give you a chance."

Like I said, I think it stems from different visions of what "the one" means. We're all looking for "the one," but I see it as the one person out of a possible large number of people who match your standards, who you actually get to know and develop a relationship with over time.

There are those who think that there is literally only "One" person in the world who has been pre-assigned to them by Destiny or Fate or Providence, or something like that, and they ought to reject everyone (even people reasonably similar to their ideal) until they finally meet that guy---and then I guess the heavens will part and a flock of doves will fly around their dinner table in a heart-shape?

I guess I assume this is a particularly common mind-set among women early 20s to early 30s, since that's the age-gender I care about ... maybe it is more widespread? I think that's a shame.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #32  August 1,2010, 9:56am
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I'm 26, have received a fair amount of responses - communication requests from 25%, OC with 75% of those. Not spectacular results (Match scares me, so this is eH only), but fine considering I wasn't particularly pro-active my first month (let people contact me). I'm going to approach it as a little social experiment from here out.

Yesterday I went through all 200+ and started sorting. Sent communications to those that interested me, archived those I wouldn't mind hearing from or would come back to after the initial 50 I contacted, and also closed everyone who didn't have a profile with at least a little substance, no pic, or was unattractive to me (sorry if that offends; I may not be the slimmest - size 8, 5'9 - or most physically active, but I am looking for someone who is as compatible physically as he is mentally...I'm not looking for fit but eliminating obviously over/underweight is fair, esp. if there's nothing else in the profile that interests me. If there's something that does, archive).

I was tempted my first month to blame lack of results on my matches - they were being too picky or just weren't what I was looking for. Actually going through all my matches, I feel like the men who contacted me were some of the best (maybe not the most attractive, but oddly enough, the most attractive to me and they had decent communication skills) so I'm going to keep my mind open and continue to approach it as the numbers game it is.

To the OP - you sound like a nice guy, I certainly wouldn't close you based on your pic, it just sounds like you've gotten frustrated. I really can't provide any advice other than tell you a couple things that bug me personally as a female within your age range (not that these are necessarily an issue for you, but they certainly seem to be for a lot of the 25-30 year old's I've encountered).

1) Don't get too serious too fast - some guys ask really personal questions in the second round, and it's intimidating. I don't recommend trying pick up artist techniques, either, but keeping a sense of reality (what would I ask in a bar or in a waiting room rather than how can I best determine if she's the one for me?) helps. There are a few questions that are big turn offs (not immediate closes, but close) for me - one is the 'i've had a hard day, what would you do for me?' Blech - it strikes me as socially inept and selfish.

2) Don't play games - respond when you get a notice, call when you say you'll call. Be interested if you're interested. Maybe other women can weigh in on this, but I have no problem telling a guy I think he's cute/fun/interesting and I appreciate seeing or hearing his interest as well.

The honesty factor is huge for me - I go with my instincts and express myself freely. There's never been a negative reaction to it (other than some people just don't have it in common) and the positive reactions are emphatic, but a few of the men I've been matched with have done really silly things. Because I'm expressing interest already it completely dampens my interest to receive a text response at 3am (lack of empathy), called 2 hours after the time we set (with no good excuse it's just game playing), or being asked to call then having to listen to him play a video game at high volume (don't even know what that was. Just an a hole?). The guy who was texting me while he was at a party, then went to sit in his car because he wanted to talk about something serious that came up really impressed me. Partly because it showed how mature and interested he was and partly because it was so different from 99% of the other people I've spoken to.

Good luck with your search and have some fun with it. And you guys need to promise to give me a pep talk when I'm totally fed up next week
Last edited by lunabeach; August 1,2010 at 10:00am.
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #33  August 1,2010, 10:39am
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BikerBeagle wrote :
I'm not sure which is worse - having incredibly unrealistic standards ...or having absolutely none at all. Neither seems like a winning game-plan to me.
It's not that I don't have any standards at all...it's just that by the time a few people get to OC, then there are maybe a third of those we manage to strike up conversations that go somewhere (instead of the "What do you like to do?" "Fish." type conversations) -- so there are very few left. Most are out-of-towners, who don't feel enough of a connection to travel to meet even halfway. Usually it's self-selecting that someone that has made it far enough to be interested in meeting has a lot in common with me. And...I'm averaging meeting slightly over one person a year "in person" this way....not pre-screening on appearance, but generally giving everyone a chance. (There was a three-year period where I met NOBODY in person, but last summer I met three for a first-meet so it averages out.)

So....hmmmm....I guess maybe once every three or four years I will meet a match IRL who I'm attracted to? And maybe half of those will be attracted to me?

Living in a mostly-rural state sucks.
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #34  August 1,2010, 10:40am
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lunabeach wrote :

Good luck with your search and have some fun with it. And you guys need to promise to give me a pep talk when I'm totally fed up next week
I was totally fed up last night so I can relate...and I promise.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #35  August 1,2010, 10:44am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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There is a reason why dating is considered a 'game' ...and my thoughts and opinion on online dating, which are well documented here in various threads, notwithstanding ...I think much of the frustration (on both sides of the camp) stems from a basic assumption that we are all playing by the same rule - that we are all honest with ourselves and know exactly who we are and what we want, and honest with others in communicating that information.

On that matter, I can only say this ...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
 
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melman is offline melman Post #36  August 1,2010, 10:46am
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pammersw wrote :
It's not that I don't have any standards at all...it's just that by the time a few people get to OC, then there are maybe a third of those we manage to strike up conversations that go somewhere (instead of the "What do you like to do?" "Fish." type conversations) -- so there are very few left.
I am convinced that the longer you stay in e-communication... or if you insist on asking more probing questions... nothing good can come of it. The process is such that both sides look for a reason not to meet.

When I see a match that is nearby, has common interests and no flashing red lights, I'll meet. I'll keep the communication light and open OC saying that I look forward to meeting. Then I can make my decisions in person, instead of hoping that I have interpreted every e-answer correctly.
 
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MNlovely is offline MNlovely Post #37  August 4,2010, 5:32pm
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I have to identify with some of the frustration everyone is talking about too. Between the ghost matches and the live ones that don't respond or the ones that stop half way through it is somewhat frustrating.
But I do look at it that I'd rather have them vanish now than after I had invested time and feelings in them.

I too live fairly remote and not a lot of chance to meet people unless I include online dating as an option. And I have to agree with the other ladies in the 40's and 50's - just not a lot of interest out there. But I'll keep hanging in there and in time I'm sure my luck will change as it will for all of us.

We are such amazing people with so much to offer - they can't resist us forever right ???
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #38  August 4,2010, 6:11pm
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melman wrote :
I am convinced that the longer you stay in e-communication... or if you insist on asking more probing questions... nothing good can come of it. The process is such that both sides look for a reason not to meet.

When I see a match that is nearby, has common interests and no flashing red lights, I'll meet. I'll keep the communication light and open OC saying that I look forward to meeting. Then I can make my decisions in person, instead of hoping that I have interpreted every e-answer correctly.
Sounds like a good approach. Two or three email exchanges in OC is about enough. Any more than that can drag by.

I tend to not put too much faith into the answers to the multiple-choice questions in guided communications. I tend to use that whole process as more of a potential screen for flashing red lights, but don't read too much into things. If my first impression is uncertain, I'll give the benefit of the doubt for sure.

IMO it's always good to take a break from eH for a while. If nothing else, a couple months away leaves a number of potential matches when you rejoin.
 
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frogprince is offline frogprince Post #39  August 4,2010, 8:15pm
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melman wrote :
I am convinced that the longer you stay in e-communication... or if you insist on asking more probing questions... nothing good can come of it. The process is such that both sides look for a reason not to meet.

When I see a match that is nearby, has common interests and no flashing red lights, I'll meet. I'll keep the communication light and open OC saying that I look forward to meeting. Then I can make my decisions in person, instead of hoping that I have interpreted every e-answer correctly.
Yes exactly. There is no need for a ton of emails back and forth. Soon as you have each sent an email ask for a date. I take eharmony as a dating tool not a chat forum.

And I would always take a date to a nice restaraunt on a first date. If you want romance create a romantic situation.
 
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