When to throw in the towel . . .


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MagicalTrev is offline MagicalTrev Post #21  August 1,2010, 12:27am
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esstl wrote :
Well, it seems the perspective you are missing in this thread is of the 20 something single female in question. I'm 25, and yes I'm looking for "the one". But what is so wrong with that? I realize that no man and no relationship is perfect, but I also know what I can live with and what I can't.
The OP's point is that your expectations have been heightened by the abundance of online suitors. Thus, what's wrong with looking for "the one" is that no mere mortal gets close.

wrote :
I've been on many first dates where I was asked out again, but I never replied back, and I've stopped email communication with many eligible bachelors after a few (or even a lot) of emails. The reason for this is that I just lose interest or something about you turns me off. If I get this feeling after only a few emails or a single date, even if it seemed to go ok, why would I continue to see or communicate with that person again?
Why would you communicate with the person again? Perhaps because being honest enough to let the poor guy know you aren't interested would allow him to move on without wondering what happened. Women seem to constantly complain about men's communication skills, then you end up with someone like this who can't even be bothered to be decent enough to say, "thanks, but no thanks."

wrote :
Just because the date was pleasant and we are both nice people with a few things in common does not make a potential relationship in my eyes... Almost anyone I meet or come into contact with has these qualities, so a potential relationship partner needs just a little more than that. I'm looking for someone that intrigues me and that I'm attracted to, and if you aren't it, then you aren't it. Rest assured, you will be intriguing and attractive to some other woman.
Back to my first comment, the experiences of most guys in our age group is that women's expectations are so high that it's virtually impossible to meet. And rest assured, a guy in online dating might well never be intriguing and attractive to some other woman because she's as likely to be looking for "the one" as you are.

wrote :
Anyway, I'm not sure this is entirely helpful, but I thought I would add my two cents. If you feel like throwing in the towel on eharmony, maybe its best that you do so. Take a break, clear your head. Your negative feelings about the whole eharmony experience may be infiltrating your responses and interactions with your matches and dates. If your date senses that you are jaded about dating or are unhappy, she probably isn't going to go out with you again. Come back to online dating in a while when you feel more positive again (if you are still single).

Good luck!
It's really not helpful because it doesn't answer most of what the OP asked, it reinforces his point that women are unlikely to be courteous enough to even communicate disinterest.

The problem with negative feelings about online dating is that they are inspired by dealing with women who act as esstl admits. I can completely understand the frustration experienced by the 20-30 year old men trying to date online, and because of it I've already thrown the towel in.

Keep in mind that I'm speaking only of the younger age group.

I also have to mention the unrealistic expectations of women in that age group. In my profile, I mentioned that I'm very interested in outdoor activities (things like hiking, kayaking, running, and biking for miles and hours rather than 20 minutes) and that I want women who isn't just a mate, but is also a playmate. I want someone who can experience those activities with me, not someone who I just check in between my own activities.

Of the extremely few contacts that I've gotten from women, every single one of them, judging by their pictures, has been... ummm... less than thin, if you know what I mean. Before anyone gets all bent out of shape, I think we all agree that people are allowed to have things they want in a mate. I want mine to be in shape, and I made it very clear in my profile.

Back to the point about reasonable expectations, can a woman who is well overweight possibly expect to participate anywhere near my full capacity? The answer is obviously no.

The difference between me closing those contacts and just ignoring them is that it's blatantly obvious why the match was closed if the person is honest with themselves and that I'm plenty willing to close it out so there's no question. A lot of guys don't have that because they read profiles of women looking for, "sense of humor and charm" and then they are ignored and they probably do have a sense of humor and the ability to be charming, so those guys really do have no idea what got them rejected.
 
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John_the_savage is offline John_the_savage Post #22  August 1,2010, 12:33am
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frogprince wrote :
You mention that they stopped talking to you after the second or third email. I can't think of a reason not to ask for a date by the second email. Maybe they assume you are not serious. If you are having problems on dates perhaps you should take them to nicer restaurants.
I agree, ask for a coffee or drink date by the third email. You don't want a pen pal or to build up unrealistic expectations.

I say no to nicer restaurants. In fact no to any restaurants. If you buy a fancy dinner for them they will most likely feel obligated to continuing the date almost like they owe you. Go do an activity instead so you can show the girl who you really are intead of just talking about it.

John.
 
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surfajl77 is offline surfajl77 Post #23  August 1,2010, 12:45am
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John_the_savage wrote :
Do you ever get a reason for being rejected? In 18 months I have met 20 women in person through eharmony and the most these ever developed was 4 dates. I usually get the explanation, "You're a nice guy, but I don't think we're a good fit." John
If we're strictly in online communication, I never get an explanation. They just mysteriously disappear for reasons that will forever remain a mystery.

As for the one's I've met, I had one who told me that our personalities don't match (which was accurate) - but the majority of them do not. They just instantly vanish or gradually wane off communication with me over time in order for me to "get the hint." If it's a mutual disinterest, then that's easier to handle. But if it's someone who I actually felt like I was having a great time with, that's when you start getting a little irritated.

One of the best examples I have is a girl (28) who I met on Match.com a couple of years ago. During our date, she told me that she received up to 50-100 e-mails a day and said that the only reason I got her attention was because my profile and e-mail made her laugh and sounded intriguing.

Had an awesome time with her. Great conversation, lots of fun to be with, and the date ended up lasting much longer than I had anticipated. Probably one of the best dates I've ever had. Even made plans for a second date before she left.

Never saw her again. Never heard from her again.

And after giving it much thought . . . if she's receiving 100 e-mails a day, then why would I expect to ever hear from her again?

This is where the problem lies.

However, I do like to exchange several e-mails and get to know a little bit more about the girl before asking her out. A good 7-8 e-mails trying to learn more about them, asking about their weekend etc.

I suppose I could move faster and ask the girls out a little more quickly. But I've found that the ones that I've met out having no previous in-depth communication usually don't go very well. I quickly find out that they are not what I'm wanting and I am not what they're wanting. Things that I could have figured out via a few more e-mail exchanges.
Last edited by surfajl77; August 1,2010 at 12:51am.
 
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pammersw is offline pammersw Post #24  August 1,2010, 1:27am
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surfajl77 wrote :

But let me ask you this: Have you ever been rejected numerous times by men who have ignored you after one date because of something (and you don't know what) that turned them off?

I have a female friend who was throwing a huge fit a few weeks ago because a guy rejected her after two dates. He didn't give her any indication, he just flat-out stopped talking to her and she was extremely distraught - wanting an explanation and in total shock.
Yes. I even sort of have a thread about that.
surfajl77 wrote :

Someone people, believe it or not, like knowing what they're doing wrong so they can grow Or maybe that's just me?
I'd like to know if it's something I can change about myself, the way I'm presenting myself, or the things I say/do on that first date (or second if I'm fortunate enough to finally get one!)
surfajl77 wrote :

However, if I get along with someone on a first date and sense a physical and personal attraction with them, combined with good conversation, then I have no reason as to why I wouldn't want to see them again.
Again, not entirely sure about the physical attraction part -- although I have experienced thinking someone is either handsomer or uglier after I get to know them -- I know that when the first meet/first date has gone well, the conversation seemed to go well, and there were no absolute negatives...if the guy then poofs without any explanation (as happens so frequently!) I'm left wondering what went wrong, and if there is something wrong with me that this keeps being the end result. Usually I'm up to giving it a few dates before deciding it's definitely not working. The exceptions: the guys who lied about their height. Those, I was really not that interested in seeing again....but still would have liked to hear them tell me why they planned to disappear!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #25  August 1,2010, 7:44am
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pammersw wrote :
Just wait till you're older....the 40-something and 50-something women are experiencing the same thing you are, now.
So are the 50 something guys.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #26  August 1,2010, 7:58am
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Surf, Pam and others, the problems you are describing are universal and not limited to age or gender. Nor would I say that they are limited only to internet dating sites but occur IRL.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #27  August 1,2010, 8:04am
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Relative to the title of the thread: I have been on eHarmony since January of 2008 which it is the longest I have gone without throwing in the towel. But I think it is about time for me to not only throw in the towel with eHarmony but just give up trying to date at all.
 
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ladylovelylocks is offline ladylovelylocks Post #28  August 1,2010, 9:46am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Surf, Pam and others, the problems you are describing are universal and not limited to age or gender. Nor would I say that they are limited only to internet dating sites but occur IRL.
Thanks for this.. I have never "poofed" on anyone and I have as a 20 something female been just ignored away by many men and matches( all but one I've communicated with actually). I also understand a little how it may seem to those women that do get tons of promising matches. I guess having less interest can be a blessing sometimes.

Gr8Guyn2008, I always think you bring a good perspective to these boards. If you do leave eH dating don't leave us.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #29  August 1,2010, 9:50am
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pammersw wrote :
Interesting. Then you get to middle-aged folks like me, who will communicate with anyone who responds, whether or not there is any attraction, and will meet with just about anyone who is willing to meet!
Interesting indeed.

I'm not sure which is worse - having incredibly unrealistic standards ...or having absolutely none at all. Neither seems like a winning game-plan to me.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #30  August 1,2010, 10:10am
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MagicalTrev wrote :

Back to my first comment, the experiences of most guys in our age group is that women's expectations are so high that it's virtually impossible to meet. And rest assured, a guy in online dating might well never be intriguing and attractive to some other woman because she's as likely to be looking for "the one" as you are.
Yes ...

I don't mind as much: "Look, I don't really think we are a good match," as a form of rejection after a date ... I really hate, "Look, you're a really great guy, and you seem to have everything I'm looking for, but I just don't feel that magic spark ... I'm sure you'll find someone awesome though ..."

The old---"I realize I didn't give him much of a chance even though things were seemingly going well, so make myself feel better by telling myself he'll find someone awesome."

Completely ignoring the fact that the other single women are doing the same thing!
 
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